Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Visiting the cemetery and post-delivery check up.

Yesterday we took our fake flowers out to Mary Grace's grave. I underestimated how big the bouquets are that people bring out to cemeteries. We had this tiny little bouquet of purple flowers that was just dwarfed when you looked out at all the other bouquets. Rob said it was just right, because she was a tiny little baby. But I will know to bring more the next time we bring her flowers.

The earth was fresh from where they had buried her and the spot is a third of the size of a regular burial plot. She is the first to be buried in the new "Cherub Garden" section. I thought she might be lonely being the first one there, but of course that is such a human reaction...I guess it is also a mother's reaction. I know it is just her little body there. She is really in a place that has no loneliness. But there still seems to be something lonely about it.

Isabel found the tiniest blue flowers growing all over the hillside. When I say "tiny" I mean that the entire flower was the size of my pinky nail- not including the stem. I showed her where she could place them. We told her that was Mary Grace's special remembrance spot; a special place we could go to remember her little sister. She seemed to understand but was also not overly concerned. I think she will really like the memorial we chose for Mary Grace. When it comes in I will take a picture of it. It has two little lambs and most of you won't know, but Isabel absolutely adores sheep. Sheep are better than princesses, playing dress up or any other typical little girl favorites. I'm sure if our homeowner's association allowed it, our family would have a pet sheep because our daughter is so in love. So I think it will be more special once the memorial comes in and she can see the lambs and Mary Grace's name...and of course, just as she gets older and understands more. As soon as Rob and I saw that memorial picture of the lambs, we knew it was the perfect one.

Switching topics, today I went to my OBGYN for a post-delivery checkup. I learned that after delivering Mary Grace, my doctor had performed a D&E to clear out the rest of the placenta. I knew that he had done some sort of scraping because the placenta was coming out incompletely, but I did not have to be put under because my epidural anesthetic was working so well I could not feel what he was doing. Anyway, my doctor said that I had healed nicely, that the urine pregnancy test came back negative which means all the pregnancy hormones have already left my body, and that we are physically ready to try to conceive again as soon as we are emotionally ready. I was shocked and relieved and angry all at the same time. How dare my body be healing so quickly while I feel so emotionally sick, hurt and sad?! How could I heal faster after carrying a baby for 21 weeks than after my ectopic pregnancy at 7 1/2 weeks or my miscarriage at 9 1/2 weeks? It just feels so backwards and wrong. And at the same time, of course I am so thankful that I am healing so quickly! The physical healing won't be drawn out like it was with the other losses...for once we don't have to wait to try to conceive again, and yet I can't imagine trying to conceive again right away.

Finally, it's 9:11pm and I just realized that I've completely missed bible study tonight. I'm so sorry, my bible study friends! Just another example of the foggy realm that I'm still living in. Other examples of "the fog" include: forgetting my wallet in the car as I'm trying to check out at the shoe store, walking around the house for 45 minutes looking for the book people signed at the funeral (when it was clearly in sight), forgetting important details from emails people have sent, skipping meals because I simply forget to eat, and leaving my cell phone in the car all afternoon. I'm usually organized, conscientious of others and of appointments, and of the time. And lately time moves at it's own pace while I catch myself spacing out and then trying to catch up.


Hil323 said...

You have EVERY right to be "spacey" right now and if someone has a problem with you being spacey give them my number and I'll let them have it! I love you my friend. Take all the time you want to grieve and as always, I'm only a phone call away. I love you-Hil

Meredith said...

I was going to say the same thing Hilary are entitled to be forgetful right now and in your own little world!! Dont beat yourself up about it-it's completely normal! and dont pressure yourself to get it all back together right away either...that will all come in time.
We'll be praying for God's plan for your family as far as conception goes for another precious little life. I'm sure you had and still have and will probably for a long time battle an ocean of emotions and THAT IS OK!! God made you an emotional mother and woman and gives you all the feelings you have. Rest, allow your body to continuing healing in all areas, continue the grieving process that you're expected to go through (although I know some others obviously dont understand that!;), and know that God's timing is perfect in the plans He has for your family. Your physical body is a ROCK and you are so strong-God has indeed made you so extra special!