Thursday, May 27, 2010

Napro Appointment Set and Lots of Questions!

It's official!  I have an appointment set with a Napro doctor! 

Tuesday, June 15th! 

And I feel totally blind walking into this appointment! 

What do I need to bring?
What will the doc do?  (The only thing she told me was to schedule around ovulation time)!
If I have to have any surgeries will she do it or will I have to go elsewhere?
Do all Napro doctors work with the Pope Paul VI Institute?

I use the sympto-thermal method of NFP, not the Creighton Model (which the doctor told me she can get more information out of Creighton), but I don't have a year to go learn the Creighton Model!  Will STM suffice??

I'm excited but a little unsure since I don't know what to expect!

For any of you that do Napro, can you share your first doc experience?  What she'll be looking for, reviewing, etc?

Do I need to go to my OB and ask for my whole chart?? (It's BIG!)  Or should I just make a list of all the things I've been through myself to give to the new doc?

Need help please! ;)  Thanks!! 

Saturday, May 22, 2010

How can I give thanks to God for this?

A few days ago I saw this short (13 minute) video by Mark Mallett.  I don't know if any of you are familiar with him, he is a Canadian singer-songwriter and Catholic evangelist...and when he speaks, I find it profoundly moving.

So I thought I would share this video with you because after reading and really reflecting on this post by TCIE, (I just loved that post, TCIE!) I saw this video and just thought that it really related to my struggle with losing babies and not being able to bring home a second child.  And sometimes I think, "How can I give thanks to God for this?"  And "this" can be many things.

Yesterday, for our family, it was this:

A rock through the sliding glass door; kicked up by the lawnmower.  :(   Luckily it only went through the one pane of glass instead of both panes, so thankfully there was no glass inside the house (Thanks, God!).

Well, that, coupled with my husband's blown out tire as he was exiting the highway, oh and the cat throwing up on our bed...but the cat throwing up is more of a "common occurrence" in our household....those were our crosses (albeit light ones) yesterday. 

My trying to conceive journey however, is a heavy cross, but Mark exhorts us to give thanks to the Lord even when we are bearing the cross through our own suffering.  We cannot forget God's blessings!  This video will give you encouragement in whatever suffering situation you are going through...not just an infertility journey! 

Click here to watch Mark Mallett's latest video. 

I hope you get as much out of it as I did! :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Blogger's Sunshine Award!

I got an award! :)  Thanks so much to Kathleen at Kathleen's Catholic and to Michelle at Living on Faith for both awarding me with the Sunshine Award! I was so delighted and appreciative that you thought of me.

Here are some other faith-filled blogs!  I am giving them the Sunshine Award for spreading a bit of sunshine, inspiring faith and showing God's love through their writing!

Burning With Love For Your Greater Glory!

Catholic Christian Homeschooling

2 Little Princess Girls

Peace Garden Mama

Catholic NFP Mom

My Chocolate Heart

There are so many infertility bloggers that I would like to give this award to, I don't even know where to begin, but you are all in my daily prayers!

Do you know of other blogs that should receive the Sunshine Award? Here are the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog and/or within your post.

2. Pass the award on to other bloggers.

3. Link to the nominees within your post.

4. Let them know they received this award by commenting on their blog.

5. Share the love and the link to the person from whom you received this award.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Your face, Lord, do I seek!

The comments on my last post really made me reflect on my own attitude about trying to conceive lately, and especially reflect on the fact that I've been missing God's blessings even when He has been practically handing them to me on a golden platter!

Anne's comment really struck me and I am so glad you said this:  "You know, that baby in your dreams might have been one that you lost early in pregnancy. Maybe God allowed you that moment, even though in sleep, to be comforted by one of your children in heaven."

My eyes could not see and my ears could not hear that my dream could have very well been a visit, a gift from God of a visit from one of my own babies!  I nearly lost my breath when I allowed that comment to sink deep into my mind, because how could I not have seen that dream as a blessing?  Instead I viewed it as something to scorn since it reminded me of what I had lost; those babies that I could not hold this side of heaven.  I felt heartbroken knowing that somehow I had become distanced enough from God not to be able to see the blessings He was giving me in the dream about which I could only complain.

Psalm 27:8  "Come," says my heart, "seek God's face"; your face Lord do I seek.

Thursday I went to Adoration.  (Our church has First Thursdays instead of First Friday Adoration).  Psalm 69:2-4 describes how I felt in my heart.  "Save me, God, for the waters have reached my neck.  I have sunk into the mire of the deep, where there is no foothold.  I have gone down to the watery depths; the flood overwhelms me.  I am weary with crying out; my throat is parched.  My eyes have failed, looking for my God."

Then on Sunday I went to confession and realized that it had been over 2 months since I had last been!  No wonder I was feeling distanced from God.  The longer I go without confession the more likely I am to try to start relying on myself instead of the Lord, and that path quickly becomes overgrown with sin, and soon, impassable.  I had a long wait before going into the confessional.  Although I arrived at exactly 3:30pm, the time when confessions start, I was the third to last person in a line of about 20 for this particular priest. 

As I waited, I asked Jesus to give me a clear sign about trying to conceive.  I know, Lord, this question keeps popping back up...Do we keep ttc?  Do we give up?  Do we go to the Napro doctor now or later?  Do we start considering adoption? 

"But I pray to you, Lord, for the time of your favor.  God, in your great kindness answer me with your constant help."  Psalm 69:14

Well it's my turn and I go face to face, and confess my sins and then tell the priest that I have lost hope that we will have another baby.  I told him, "I have hope in God and all His promises, but God never promised me another baby.  I don't see how I can keep hoping month after month."

And he told me, "God does not want you to be frustrated.  If you are doing something over and over that is not working, you need to take another path; choose something else.  Maybe a different medical intervention."

Well hallelujah!  I felt like Jesus was answering me then and there straight through the priest (and why couldn't He, since He chooses to forgive me using the priest!) that Rob and I should definitely move on to NaproTechnology!  We've been ttc for 2 1/2 years now with either just our own expertise and the addition of a few fertility drugs here and there and clearly it's not working for us.

It was such a relief to hear him say it...for some reason I needed it to be said outloud by a third party!  And of course, now that I was back in a state of grace, I felt like I had wings!  God had forgiven me and given me direct guidance when I sought Him out in prayer, adoration and penance!

Thank you so much for all your hope-filled messages and I am so thankful that God can use what He has done in my life to fill new people with hope and inspire faith!  Praise God!  Please know that prayers were offered for all of you during my time in Adoration with our Lord.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Lost dreams.

Last night I dreamt that I had another baby girl. 

I hate those dreams.  They seem so real. 

I am holding her, feeding her...we are in the hospital and I can smell the new baby smell even in my dream.  It feels like I am with her for hours. 

And then I wake up.

The dream dissipates.

The baby is gone.

And like a cruel joke I am 15dpo, with 2 positive blue-dye pregnancy tests and a negative FRER.

Yes, 15 days past ovulation with a 13 day luteal phase.  Two positive blue-dye pregnancy tests, but oh no, don't think they are really positive....because "blue-dye" tests are notorious for giving false positives.  And the real truth-be-told test is the First Response Early Response pink dye test.

Not even a hint of a line on the FRER.

The baby in my dream is gone.

The dream of a baby this month is gone.

Why isn't my period here yet?  Oh, you know that nasty progesterone that I take to help support a potential also tends to extend your LP. 


And no, like a chicken I didn't make the NaPro appointment yet.  I've decided to wait one more cycle so that Isabel will be out of school and we will have more flexibility in being able to travel the 3 1/2 hours to the doctor's office.   So this month's plan is Fertilaid!  I'm kind of excited about it.  Okay, so I get excited whenever I try something "new" in the trying to conceive department.  Fertilaid is a supplement (3x a day!) that both Rob and I will be taking this month (Fertilaid for Men and for Women). 

So we will see how it goes.  Here's to another month!

On a different note, I am so very glad that I say my morning offering to start my day.  This month especially has been very emotional for some reason especially starting about midway through my LP and I'm just so glad that I can offer every negative pregnancy test, all the disappointment, every temperature fluctuation, each day past my LP of hope and then let down, to God....sometimes I feel it's all I've got to give Him.