The comments on my last post really made me reflect on my own attitude about trying to conceive lately, and especially reflect on the fact that I've been missing God's blessings even when He has been practically handing them to me on a golden platter!
Anne's comment really struck me and I am so glad you said this: "You know, that baby in your dreams might have been one that you lost early in pregnancy. Maybe God allowed you that moment, even though in sleep, to be comforted by one of your children in heaven."
My eyes could not see and my ears could not hear that my dream could have very well been a visit, a gift from God of a visit from one of my own babies! I nearly lost my breath when I allowed that comment to sink deep into my mind, because how could I not have seen that dream as a blessing? Instead I viewed it as something to scorn since it reminded me of what I had lost; those babies that I could not hold this side of heaven. I felt heartbroken knowing that somehow I had become distanced enough from God not to be able to see the blessings He was giving me in the dream about which I could only complain.
Psalm 27:8 "Come," says my heart, "seek God's face"; your face Lord do I seek.
Thursday I went to Adoration. (Our church has First Thursdays instead of First Friday Adoration). Psalm 69:2-4 describes how I felt in my heart. "Save me, God, for the waters have reached my neck. I have sunk into the mire of the deep, where there is no foothold. I have gone down to the watery depths; the flood overwhelms me. I am weary with crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes have failed, looking for my God."
Then on Sunday I went to confession and realized that it had been over 2 months since I had last been! No wonder I was feeling distanced from God. The longer I go without confession the more likely I am to try to start relying on myself instead of the Lord, and that path quickly becomes overgrown with sin, and soon, impassable. I had a long wait before going into the confessional. Although I arrived at exactly 3:30pm, the time when confessions start, I was the third to last person in a line of about 20 for this particular priest.
As I waited, I asked Jesus to give me a clear sign about trying to conceive. I know, Lord, this question keeps popping back up...Do we keep ttc? Do we give up? Do we go to the Napro doctor now or later? Do we start considering adoption?
"But I pray to you, Lord, for the time of your favor. God, in your great kindness answer me with your constant help." Psalm 69:14
Well it's my turn and I go face to face, and confess my sins and then tell the priest that I have lost hope that we will have another baby. I told him, "I have hope in God and all His promises, but God never promised me another baby. I don't see how I can keep hoping month after month."
And he told me, "God does not want you to be frustrated. If you are doing something over and over that is not working, you need to take another path; choose something else. Maybe a different medical intervention."
Well hallelujah! I felt like Jesus was answering me then and there straight through the priest (and why couldn't He, since He chooses to forgive me using the priest!) that Rob and I should definitely move on to NaproTechnology! We've been ttc for 2 1/2 years now with either just our own expertise and the addition of a few fertility drugs here and there and clearly it's not working for us.
It was such a relief to hear him say it...for some reason I needed it to be said outloud by a third party! And of course, now that I was back in a state of grace, I felt like I had wings! God had forgiven me and given me direct guidance when I sought Him out in prayer, adoration and penance!
Thank you so much for all your hope-filled messages and I am so thankful that God can use what He has done in my life to fill new people with hope and inspire faith! Praise God! Please know that prayers were offered for all of you during my time in Adoration with our Lord.