Monday, May 3, 2010

Lost dreams.

Last night I dreamt that I had another baby girl. 

I hate those dreams.  They seem so real. 

I am holding her, feeding her...we are in the hospital and I can smell the new baby smell even in my dream.  It feels like I am with her for hours. 

And then I wake up.

The dream dissipates.

The baby is gone.

And like a cruel joke I am 15dpo, with 2 positive blue-dye pregnancy tests and a negative FRER.

Yes, 15 days past ovulation with a 13 day luteal phase.  Two positive blue-dye pregnancy tests, but oh no, don't think they are really positive....because "blue-dye" tests are notorious for giving false positives.  And the real truth-be-told test is the First Response Early Response pink dye test.

Not even a hint of a line on the FRER.

The baby in my dream is gone.

The dream of a baby this month is gone.

Why isn't my period here yet?  Oh, you know that nasty progesterone that I take to help support a potential also tends to extend your LP. 


And no, like a chicken I didn't make the NaPro appointment yet.  I've decided to wait one more cycle so that Isabel will be out of school and we will have more flexibility in being able to travel the 3 1/2 hours to the doctor's office.   So this month's plan is Fertilaid!  I'm kind of excited about it.  Okay, so I get excited whenever I try something "new" in the trying to conceive department.  Fertilaid is a supplement (3x a day!) that both Rob and I will be taking this month (Fertilaid for Men and for Women). 

So we will see how it goes.  Here's to another month!

On a different note, I am so very glad that I say my morning offering to start my day.  This month especially has been very emotional for some reason especially starting about midway through my LP and I'm just so glad that I can offer every negative pregnancy test, all the disappointment, every temperature fluctuation, each day past my LP of hope and then let down, to God....sometimes I feel it's all I've got to give Him. 


Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

I'm sorry you had this sad dream-I've never had one that vivid but I can imagine how much it hurts to wake up.

You're in my prayers!

WheelbarrowRider said...

post peak progesterone kind of stinks that way. I absolutely love my hcg though. I am sorry about the disappointment and hope that fertilaid is helpful. Its nice there are options on the horizon (fertilaid, appt with the doc etc). Still lots of possibilities :)

Leila said...

I am full of hope for you! You are in my prayers!

doctorgianna said...

I'm so sorry. Praying for you! Glad that you can be upbeat about the fresh start of a new cycle.

Karen said...

I'm sorry. I've had pregnancy dreams but not baby ones. Especially not one that vivid. I can't imagine how bad that hurts. I'll be praying for you.

Ann G. said...

I had to admit that I gave a tiny, little groan when I saw that you were waiting a month before seeing the NaPro physician. Then I took it back because you are so faith filled and I know you prayed about your decision.
You know, that baby in your dreams might have been one that you lost early in pregnancy. Maybe God allowed you that moment, even though in sleep, to be comforted by one of your children in heaven.
My prayers for you continue.

Emily Anne & Joshua Jones said...

I love you girl. You are amazing. Thanks for being so honest and faithful in your posts. Praying for you...(and I posted new pics for you too).

Roxane B. Salonen said...

It meant so much to me to hear from you this weekend, Angela. My grieving isn't altogether dissipated but hearing from friends who understand suffering, and also the hope on the other side of the tears, is such a blessing. May 2 is the day our Gabriel left this world through miscarriage, so that probably has affected me more than I've admitted. Even though my infertility agony was more short-lived than yours, I experienced it long enough to know how deep it goes, even when you have other children. Let your living child heal you and fill you up with hope and love. There is something very special about a 4-year-old. They come with graces that are not so evident in other ages. I'm praying with you, too, and I feel optimistic. But I also understand the deep pain. Keep looking for all the signs of life God is wanting to show you while you wait. I will pray that those signs are amplified for you now. Blessings and peace, Roxane

lavatea said...

I dreamed of a little baby girl the day I decided to test (one day early) when I found out I was pregnant with our last child. I lost the baby 4 days later. That dream is still haunting me. At the time I took it as a sign from God that he was giving me another child right then. Now I think maybe it is a promise that someday He will let me keep another one. Who knows. :(

Anonymous said...

Dear Angela,

I found your blog because I was researching the accuracy of blue dye pregnancy tests. On Sunday (Mother's Day), I tested positive on a blue dye test, but tested negative the next day at the clinic.

I am an unmarried full-time student at Kent State University. I suffer from bipolar disorder, PTSD and other chronic illnesses. I have no resources and no means of support. I'm a year away from graduation. If I'm pregnant, my due date would fall at the beginning of my last semester at school. It's terrifying.

In reading the story of Mary Grace, I was reminded of how delicate and precious life is. It seems cruel and ironic, sometimes, that women such as yourself, who are healthy and have so much love to spare for a child, have such difficulty conceiving and carrying a baby to term.

I also realized that if I am pregnant, it's a miracle. I have PCOS and possibly endometriosis. I am 32 years old and I have a history of serious hormonal issues ever since I started my period when I was 9 years old. I've been told that conception and carrying to term would be very difficult for me without medical intervention.

You blog inspired me to bring my fears and hopes to God, to ask Him to guide me and help me to embrace whatever may come with an open mind and an open heart. It's hard to feel it, sometimes, but I know that I am never really alone.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that though I don't know you or your family, I love you. I will pray for you as I pray for myself. It is only recently that I turned back to the Lord after many years of doubt and anger. Reading this blog has helped to strengthen my faith. I thank you for that.

In Christ,
Morgan J.

Kathleen's Catholic said...

Angela, there's a little sunshine gift for you on my blog. God bless!