Lost dreams.

Last night I dreamt that I had another baby girl. 

I hate those dreams.  They seem so real. 

I am holding her, feeding her...we are in the hospital and I can smell the new baby smell even in my dream.  It feels like I am with her for hours. 

And then I wake up.

The dream dissipates.

The baby is gone.

And like a cruel joke I am 15dpo, with 2 positive blue-dye pregnancy tests and a negative FRER.

Yes, 15 days past ovulation with a 13 day luteal phase.  Two positive blue-dye pregnancy tests, but oh no, don't think they are really positive....because "blue-dye" tests are notorious for giving false positives.  And the real truth-be-told test is the First Response Early Response pink dye test.

Not even a hint of a line on the FRER.

The baby in my dream is gone.

The dream of a baby this month is gone.

Why isn't my period here yet?  Oh, you know that nasty progesterone that I take to help support a potential pregnancy....it also tends to extend your LP. 

*sigh*

And no, like a chicken I didn't make the NaPro appointment yet.  I've decided to wait one more cycle so that Isabel will be out of school and we will have more flexibility in being able to travel the 3 1/2 hours to the doctor's office.   So this month's plan is Fertilaid!  I'm kind of excited about it.  Okay, so I get excited whenever I try something "new" in the trying to conceive department.  Fertilaid is a supplement (3x a day!) that both Rob and I will be taking this month (Fertilaid for Men and for Women). 

So we will see how it goes.  Here's to another month!

On a different note, I am so very glad that I say my morning offering to start my day.  This month especially has been very emotional for some reason especially starting about midway through my LP and I'm just so glad that I can offer every negative pregnancy test, all the disappointment, every temperature fluctuation, each day past my LP of hope and then let down, to God....sometimes I feel it's all I've got to give Him.