Tomorrow is the one month anniversary of her delivery. I just cannot believe it has already been a whole month...it feels like I delivered her yesterday, and yet it feels like it was so long ago too- like a very distant dream. Today was three weeks since we said goodbye at her funeral and they put her little coffin in the ground.
I woke up very snappy this morning. I didn't realize why until later in the morning and I think it has everything to do with tomorrow's anniversary. It's so strange that her delivery has already become an anniversary. Luckily I got the snappiness under control once I realized why I was feeling that way.
Before all of this happened with Mary Grace, I used to say a morning offering, but only every now and then or when I remembered. Now I say it every day. I thought "what in my life was changed since Mary Grace's death?" "How did she impact me?"
Well of course there is the redefinition of who I am. In addition to being Isabel's mommy, and having lost 2 babies in the first trimester, I am the mother of a stillborn baby. She has redefined who I am. There are some days where I feel rotten and depressed about the situation, but I still know Who is in charge. And I feel strongly that her death may have had alot of purposes, but the one purpose I can actively participate in is building up my own faith. Walking every closer with God. And how do I put that in action? I ask myself again, "What in my life has changed since Mary Grace was in my life and since she died? Am I going about the 'same old life' I had before or has she kicked me out of my complacency? Has she touched me enough that I am willing to enact a real change in my life?" The answer for me is "yes".
I have started by committing myself to saying a morning offering every day. Getting my morning started out right...with God and offering my day to Him. Isn't that how Mary Grace is starting each day in heaven? With the Lord?
through the Immaculate Heart of Mary,
I offer You my prayers, works,
joys and sufferings
of this day for all the intentions
of Your Sacred Heart,
in union with the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass
throughout the world,
in reparation for my sins,
for the intentions of all my relatives and friends,
and in particular
for the intentions of the Holy Father.
One small prayer at the beginning of the day can have a huge impact on how you live the rest of that day. It feels good to be able to sit here a month later and even in the sad days, I can realize that I am making a change in my life for the better, because of my daughter. Thank you Jesus! Maybe she is just what I needed to be a better servant of Yours!