The last 3 days I've been feeling on and off depressed again. I guess everything has now slowed down enough that we're definitely back to the "everyday routine", and it's been harder than I want it to be. My heart has been very heavy feeling, and although it's been gorgeous outdoors, I feel as though a dreary rain cloud has been lingering over me. Thankfully, though my heart has been heavy, it has not been physically hurting like it did for the two weeks after Mary Grace died. Don't be alarmed- it is apparently a grief response to have a physically achey heart.
In my heart I know that it is natural to be sad. It's okay for me to feel depressed that I don't have my little baby girl to hold. It's part of grieving...you have to "work through it". I know that there will be good and bad days. Right now though I have that foggy headed feeling again that I had for those first 2 weeks. I completely forgot a friend's birthday yesterday until nearly 10pm and she even called me on the phone at 6pm...nope..didn't trigger anything in my brain until nearly 4 hours later. I guess people will understand that my mind is still clouded. But it kind of makes me mad. Not only do I not have my baby, not only do I have sadness and heartache, but now I can't remember birthdays that are clearly marked on the calendar? It's just frustrating. I'm frustrated with myself for failing to remember. I think in some ways I'm frustrated with myself because Mary Grace died. Was I the best mother I could have been to her while I carried her? Could I have prayed for her more? What about before her diagnosis- what if I had prayed especially for her health every day before I knew she was sick? Did I talk to her enough? Did I tell her I loved her enough?... I know that she is in heaven and she can pray for me; she IS praying for me. And I'll see her again one day. But what about TODAY? What about the pain I'm feeling right now?
Lord, please help me to turn this sorrow over to you. Please make my suffering worthwhile in Your plan. Please show me, make it apparent to me that my suffering has value; that it is not in vain. I know I cannot understand it all here, but give me just a glimpse of what You have in mind.
I went to a website (www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com) where I go when I need hope and inspiration, because this mother has also been through loss and her faith is an example to me especially on my "down" days. And when I got to her website I found an urgent prayer need for baby Stellan... please see the direct link to his family's website and pray for this little baby: (www.mycharmingkids.net) Here I am feeling sad about what I've lost, but my time could be better spent praying for other families who are in need. Please join me in praying for their family tonight.