I must have stopped to look at the calendar half a dozen times today, and it wasn't until around three o'clock that I realized why I was in such a tormented mood today. Today is April 6th, one month since Mary Grace's funeral. I had it in my head that today was April 5th and was really wondering why I was all over the place today since I've been doing relatively well for the last several days.
I cried in the shower so hard until the tears and water blended together and I wasn't sure which was falling down my face and asked God if it was okay to not want His will today. I whined to God in the shower like a teenager whines to her parents when she doesn't get her way. That's how I felt today...like a whiny teenager who didn't get her way...I didn't get my baby. I haven't gotten my last three babies. Even while I stood there and asked if MY will could be done, deep in my heart I knew that my will is pointless. God's will is ALWAYS better than my will. Because He always knows what is going on and "what is going on" is going on for a reason.
I went out of my way to attempt to pick a fight with Rob today; that's how rotten of a mood I was in! Luckily my patient husband would have none of it. Rob tried to remind me to turn to God with my pain, but I didn't want to listen to him or God. I just wanted to be a spoiled, whiny "teenager". But once I got into the shower and realized what I must sound like to the Lord, I literally threw myself into His arms...God's arms. I felt like a defiant teenager who realized her father was right...My Lord is always right. He always knows best, and He is always there to hold me even after my heart has felt hardened, even after I wrestle with His ways. How blessed I am to have a personal God who is there to see me rebelling in my heart, crying in the shower and who offers His heart with open arms. And thank you God for prompting me to throw myself into those arms yet again. Though I still had some sadness the rest of the day, I really felt a physical release of some my pain and frustration after letting God catch me.
I wrote some thank you notes this afternoon and looked through Mary Grace's memory boxes and pictures, and all of that helped me feel better too. It's nice to still have cards, donations to charities and little packages trickling in...it's just nice to know we are still on people's minds and in their prayers.