Last week was a really good week for me. It's like a light just switched inside of me and I've been very at peace with Mary Grace's death. Last Wednesday night (April 15th) before I went to sleep I was thinking about how my heart was wounded. I envisioned my heart was cut down the middle and opened up into two perfect halves. And then I thought about Jesus laying His hands, palms down, on each half of my dissected heart. He is the only one who can heal my heart.
That made me think of Thomas who told the other disciples that he would never believe that Jesus had appeared unless he was able to place his fingers inside the nailmarks and his hand into Jesus' side.
Thomas wanted to put his hands in Christ's wounds because he doubted.
Jesus wants to put His hands in my wounds so He can heal.
Jesus asks if He can place His hands in our wounds to heal our brokenness. And I think last week I felt like I could say, "Okay". Because over the last week I have been without despair, without depressed feelings and even without crying! I have felt hopeful about the future, yes even about "trying again". I still think very often of Mary Grace. Everytime I look at the calendar I am reminded of how many weeks pregnant I would be (I marked each week on the calendar when I was first pregnant all the way up to my due date)...and I would be 28 weeks pregnant by the way. I still think about how my belly should be growing, I think of the spring maternity clothes I should be wearing now, I think of how I would have decorated her nursery. But this week I can look at all those things in an almost fond way...it's tricky to explain. But it almost seems like these beautiful dreams of what could have been...but I'm feeling them in a much different way than two weeks ago when I was weeping for what could have been.
I'm not at all considering that this may be the end of my grief journey. I'm just trying to document a little of what this week has been like "riding the grief waves".
So back to Jesus placing His hands on my heart and Thomas doubting that Christ had risen! Guess what the Gospel reading was on Divine Mercy Sunday (2 days ago for you non-Catholics) and the Sunday AFTER I had this revelation?? You guessed it! Doubting Thomas (John 20:19-31)! I love when God affirms the little revelations He's given me.