Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Healing a wounded heart.

Last week was a really good week for me. It's like a light just switched inside of me and I've been very at peace with Mary Grace's death. Last Wednesday night (April 15th) before I went to sleep I was thinking about how my heart was wounded. I envisioned my heart was cut down the middle and opened up into two perfect halves. And then I thought about Jesus laying His hands, palms down, on each half of my dissected heart. He is the only one who can heal my heart.

That made me think of Thomas who told the other disciples that he would never believe that Jesus had appeared unless he was able to place his fingers inside the nailmarks and his hand into Jesus' side.

Thomas wanted to put his hands in Christ's wounds because he doubted.

Jesus wants to put His hands in my wounds so He can heal.

Jesus asks if He can place His hands in our wounds to heal our brokenness. And I think last week I felt like I could say, "Okay". Because over the last week I have been without despair, without depressed feelings and even without crying! I have felt hopeful about the future, yes even about "trying again". I still think very often of Mary Grace. Everytime I look at the calendar I am reminded of how many weeks pregnant I would be (I marked each week on the calendar when I was first pregnant all the way up to my due date)...and I would be 28 weeks pregnant by the way. I still think about how my belly should be growing, I think of the spring maternity clothes I should be wearing now, I think of how I would have decorated her nursery. But this week I can look at all those things in an almost fond way...it's tricky to explain. But it almost seems like these beautiful dreams of what could have been...but I'm feeling them in a much different way than two weeks ago when I was weeping for what could have been.

I'm not at all considering that this may be the end of my grief journey. I'm just trying to document a little of what this week has been like "riding the grief waves".

So back to Jesus placing His hands on my heart and Thomas doubting that Christ had risen! Guess what the Gospel reading was on Divine Mercy Sunday (2 days ago for you non-Catholics) and the Sunday AFTER I had this revelation?? You guessed it! Doubting Thomas (John 20:19-31)! I love when God affirms the little revelations He's given me.


Meredith said...

Praising Jesus for your hopefulness and joy and for your DESIRE for Him to heal you completely...that takes a huge step of faith as well!! ;) Thank you for being like a disciple to so many people and showing us all that God's love is flawless and His timing is perfect. And yes, isnt it wonderful when He shows us a little glimpse of Himself!?! I'm just rejoicing with you and thankful for your peace! And of course, I have daily been praying for your next miracle and God's perfect timing on that as well!

Anonymous said...

Well, I am a non-Catholic, but the gospel reading at my church this past Sunday (which "we Methodists" refer to as the second Sunday in Easter) was also John 20:19-31. It sounds as if our message was similar to yours. I am so glad that it spoke to you in such a powerful way and provided you with an image that has helped you begin to heal. I wanted to pass on something else that came from my church service this past week. I would imagine that you are familiar with the classical piece "Sheep May Safely Graze" -- both Courtney and Mere had it played as part of the prelude at their weddings. I had never heard the words before, though. Our chancel choir is absolutely amazing and I love most anything that they do -- often accompanied with a small orchestra. Anyway, they sang this for the anthem on Sunday and I wanted to share the words with you.

"Flocks of sheep may safely graze while in their shepherds tender care; Safely graze and safely slumber, free from danger, free from hunger, in their shepherd's care. As the shepherd leadeth well, so God, with kind and loving mind, Leads those who in His care will dwell. Where the shepherd leadeth well, there rest is found and peace abounds. Yea, rest and peace and all that make a fair and joyful land." It made me think of Mary Grace surrounded by flocks of sheep (lambs) in the loving care of the Father in that "fair and joyful land." Just wanted to share that with you. Pam

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Hi Angela,
I feel bad cause I don't really get to spend as much time blogging and getting to know anyone as much anymore, not enough time to bond with sweet Mommies who share similar circumstances, but I immediately clicked on your name when I saw that our sweet girls share the most precious name ever!! I read your history and you are just so beautiful on the inside and out. I am glad you got to see the Extreme Home Makeover and yes it's amazing to see how God ties things together and how much our little angels touch so many lives. I am glad He brought you to me and I will pray for your Joy to come in the morning...very soon. When I am up early in the morning and ever so grateful to have the quiet feeding times with my new little AnnaGrace Pearl....I am reminded how good God is and how He does work everything good for those who love Him. I will be praying for you and your family and checking in to see how He provides you with your new Joy!! I am so glad he blessed you and your family with your precious Mary Grace and of course Isabel too!
With love in our precious Savior,
Kim (Mary Grace's mom)