It's official! I have an appointment set with a Napro doctor!
Tuesday, June 15th!
And I feel totally blind walking into this appointment!
What do I need to bring?
What will the doc do? (The only thing she told me was to schedule around ovulation time)!
If I have to have any surgeries will she do it or will I have to go elsewhere?
Do all Napro doctors work with the Pope Paul VI Institute?
I use the sympto-thermal method of NFP, not the Creighton Model (which the doctor told me she can get more information out of Creighton), but I don't have a year to go learn the Creighton Model! Will STM suffice??
I'm excited but a little unsure since I don't know what to expect!
For any of you that do Napro, can you share your first doc experience? What she'll be looking for, reviewing, etc?
Do I need to go to my OB and ask for my whole chart?? (It's BIG!) Or should I just make a list of all the things I've been through myself to give to the new doc?
Need help please! ;) Thanks!!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
How can I give thanks to God for this?
A few days ago I saw this short (13 minute) video by Mark Mallett. I don't know if any of you are familiar with him, he is a Canadian singer-songwriter and Catholic evangelist...and when he speaks, I find it profoundly moving.
So I thought I would share this video with you because after reading and really reflecting on this post by TCIE, (I just loved that post, TCIE!) I saw this video and just thought that it really related to my struggle with losing babies and not being able to bring home a second child. And sometimes I think, "How can I give thanks to God for this?" And "this" can be many things.
Yesterday, for our family, it was this:
A rock through the sliding glass door; kicked up by the lawnmower. :( Luckily it only went through the one pane of glass instead of both panes, so thankfully there was no glass inside the house (Thanks, God!).
Well, that, coupled with my husband's blown out tire as he was exiting the highway, oh and the cat throwing up on our bed...but the cat throwing up is more of a "common occurrence" in our household....those were our crosses (albeit light ones) yesterday.
My trying to conceive journey however, is a heavy cross, but Mark exhorts us to give thanks to the Lord even when we are bearing the cross through our own suffering. We cannot forget God's blessings! This video will give you encouragement in whatever suffering situation you are going through...not just an infertility journey!
Click here to watch Mark Mallett's latest video.
I hope you get as much out of it as I did! :)
So I thought I would share this video with you because after reading and really reflecting on this post by TCIE, (I just loved that post, TCIE!) I saw this video and just thought that it really related to my struggle with losing babies and not being able to bring home a second child. And sometimes I think, "How can I give thanks to God for this?" And "this" can be many things.
Yesterday, for our family, it was this:
A rock through the sliding glass door; kicked up by the lawnmower. :( Luckily it only went through the one pane of glass instead of both panes, so thankfully there was no glass inside the house (Thanks, God!).
Well, that, coupled with my husband's blown out tire as he was exiting the highway, oh and the cat throwing up on our bed...but the cat throwing up is more of a "common occurrence" in our household....those were our crosses (albeit light ones) yesterday.
My trying to conceive journey however, is a heavy cross, but Mark exhorts us to give thanks to the Lord even when we are bearing the cross through our own suffering. We cannot forget God's blessings! This video will give you encouragement in whatever suffering situation you are going through...not just an infertility journey!
Click here to watch Mark Mallett's latest video.
I hope you get as much out of it as I did! :)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Blogger's Sunshine Award!
I got an award! :) Thanks so much to Kathleen at Kathleen's Catholic and to Michelle at Living on Faith for both awarding me with the Sunshine Award! I was so delighted and appreciative that you thought of me.
Here are some other faith-filled blogs! I am giving them the Sunshine Award for spreading a bit of sunshine, inspiring faith and showing God's love through their writing!
Burning With Love For Your Greater Glory!
Catholic Christian Homeschooling
2 Little Princess Girls
Peace Garden Mama
Catholic NFP Mom
My Chocolate Heart
There are so many infertility bloggers that I would like to give this award to, I don't even know where to begin, but you are all in my daily prayers!
Do you know of other blogs that should receive the Sunshine Award? Here are the rules:
1. Put the logo on your blog and/or within your post.
2. Pass the award on to other bloggers.
3. Link to the nominees within your post.
4. Let them know they received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and the link to the person from whom you received this award.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Your face, Lord, do I seek!
The comments on my last post really made me reflect on my own attitude about trying to conceive lately, and especially reflect on the fact that I've been missing God's blessings even when He has been practically handing them to me on a golden platter!
Anne's comment really struck me and I am so glad you said this: "You know, that baby in your dreams might have been one that you lost early in pregnancy. Maybe God allowed you that moment, even though in sleep, to be comforted by one of your children in heaven."
My eyes could not see and my ears could not hear that my dream could have very well been a visit, a gift from God of a visit from one of my own babies! I nearly lost my breath when I allowed that comment to sink deep into my mind, because how could I not have seen that dream as a blessing? Instead I viewed it as something to scorn since it reminded me of what I had lost; those babies that I could not hold this side of heaven. I felt heartbroken knowing that somehow I had become distanced enough from God not to be able to see the blessings He was giving me in the dream about which I could only complain.
Psalm 27:8 "Come," says my heart, "seek God's face"; your face Lord do I seek.
Thursday I went to Adoration. (Our church has First Thursdays instead of First Friday Adoration). Psalm 69:2-4 describes how I felt in my heart. "Save me, God, for the waters have reached my neck. I have sunk into the mire of the deep, where there is no foothold. I have gone down to the watery depths; the flood overwhelms me. I am weary with crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes have failed, looking for my God."
Then on Sunday I went to confession and realized that it had been over 2 months since I had last been! No wonder I was feeling distanced from God. The longer I go without confession the more likely I am to try to start relying on myself instead of the Lord, and that path quickly becomes overgrown with sin, and soon, impassable. I had a long wait before going into the confessional. Although I arrived at exactly 3:30pm, the time when confessions start, I was the third to last person in a line of about 20 for this particular priest.
As I waited, I asked Jesus to give me a clear sign about trying to conceive. I know, Lord, this question keeps popping back up...Do we keep ttc? Do we give up? Do we go to the Napro doctor now or later? Do we start considering adoption?
"But I pray to you, Lord, for the time of your favor. God, in your great kindness answer me with your constant help." Psalm 69:14
Well it's my turn and I go face to face, and confess my sins and then tell the priest that I have lost hope that we will have another baby. I told him, "I have hope in God and all His promises, but God never promised me another baby. I don't see how I can keep hoping month after month."
And he told me, "God does not want you to be frustrated. If you are doing something over and over that is not working, you need to take another path; choose something else. Maybe a different medical intervention."
Well hallelujah! I felt like Jesus was answering me then and there straight through the priest (and why couldn't He, since He chooses to forgive me using the priest!) that Rob and I should definitely move on to NaproTechnology! We've been ttc for 2 1/2 years now with either just our own expertise and the addition of a few fertility drugs here and there and clearly it's not working for us.
It was such a relief to hear him say it...for some reason I needed it to be said outloud by a third party! And of course, now that I was back in a state of grace, I felt like I had wings! God had forgiven me and given me direct guidance when I sought Him out in prayer, adoration and penance!
Thank you so much for all your hope-filled messages and I am so thankful that God can use what He has done in my life to fill new people with hope and inspire faith! Praise God! Please know that prayers were offered for all of you during my time in Adoration with our Lord.
Anne's comment really struck me and I am so glad you said this: "You know, that baby in your dreams might have been one that you lost early in pregnancy. Maybe God allowed you that moment, even though in sleep, to be comforted by one of your children in heaven."
My eyes could not see and my ears could not hear that my dream could have very well been a visit, a gift from God of a visit from one of my own babies! I nearly lost my breath when I allowed that comment to sink deep into my mind, because how could I not have seen that dream as a blessing? Instead I viewed it as something to scorn since it reminded me of what I had lost; those babies that I could not hold this side of heaven. I felt heartbroken knowing that somehow I had become distanced enough from God not to be able to see the blessings He was giving me in the dream about which I could only complain.
Psalm 27:8 "Come," says my heart, "seek God's face"; your face Lord do I seek.
Thursday I went to Adoration. (Our church has First Thursdays instead of First Friday Adoration). Psalm 69:2-4 describes how I felt in my heart. "Save me, God, for the waters have reached my neck. I have sunk into the mire of the deep, where there is no foothold. I have gone down to the watery depths; the flood overwhelms me. I am weary with crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes have failed, looking for my God."
Then on Sunday I went to confession and realized that it had been over 2 months since I had last been! No wonder I was feeling distanced from God. The longer I go without confession the more likely I am to try to start relying on myself instead of the Lord, and that path quickly becomes overgrown with sin, and soon, impassable. I had a long wait before going into the confessional. Although I arrived at exactly 3:30pm, the time when confessions start, I was the third to last person in a line of about 20 for this particular priest.
As I waited, I asked Jesus to give me a clear sign about trying to conceive. I know, Lord, this question keeps popping back up...Do we keep ttc? Do we give up? Do we go to the Napro doctor now or later? Do we start considering adoption?
"But I pray to you, Lord, for the time of your favor. God, in your great kindness answer me with your constant help." Psalm 69:14
Well it's my turn and I go face to face, and confess my sins and then tell the priest that I have lost hope that we will have another baby. I told him, "I have hope in God and all His promises, but God never promised me another baby. I don't see how I can keep hoping month after month."
And he told me, "God does not want you to be frustrated. If you are doing something over and over that is not working, you need to take another path; choose something else. Maybe a different medical intervention."
Well hallelujah! I felt like Jesus was answering me then and there straight through the priest (and why couldn't He, since He chooses to forgive me using the priest!) that Rob and I should definitely move on to NaproTechnology! We've been ttc for 2 1/2 years now with either just our own expertise and the addition of a few fertility drugs here and there and clearly it's not working for us.
It was such a relief to hear him say it...for some reason I needed it to be said outloud by a third party! And of course, now that I was back in a state of grace, I felt like I had wings! God had forgiven me and given me direct guidance when I sought Him out in prayer, adoration and penance!
Thank you so much for all your hope-filled messages and I am so thankful that God can use what He has done in my life to fill new people with hope and inspire faith! Praise God! Please know that prayers were offered for all of you during my time in Adoration with our Lord.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Lost dreams.
Last night I dreamt that I had another baby girl.
I hate those dreams. They seem so real.
I am holding her, feeding her...we are in the hospital and I can smell the new baby smell even in my dream. It feels like I am with her for hours.
And then I wake up.
The dream dissipates.
The baby is gone.
And like a cruel joke I am 15dpo, with 2 positive blue-dye pregnancy tests and a negative FRER.
Yes, 15 days past ovulation with a 13 day luteal phase. Two positive blue-dye pregnancy tests, but oh no, don't think they are really positive....because "blue-dye" tests are notorious for giving false positives. And the real truth-be-told test is the First Response Early Response pink dye test.
Not even a hint of a line on the FRER.
The baby in my dream is gone.
The dream of a baby this month is gone.
Why isn't my period here yet? Oh, you know that nasty progesterone that I take to help support a potential pregnancy....it also tends to extend your LP.
*sigh*
And no, like a chicken I didn't make the NaPro appointment yet. I've decided to wait one more cycle so that Isabel will be out of school and we will have more flexibility in being able to travel the 3 1/2 hours to the doctor's office. So this month's plan is Fertilaid! I'm kind of excited about it. Okay, so I get excited whenever I try something "new" in the trying to conceive department. Fertilaid is a supplement (3x a day!) that both Rob and I will be taking this month (Fertilaid for Men and for Women).
So we will see how it goes. Here's to another month!
On a different note, I am so very glad that I say my morning offering to start my day. This month especially has been very emotional for some reason especially starting about midway through my LP and I'm just so glad that I can offer every negative pregnancy test, all the disappointment, every temperature fluctuation, each day past my LP of hope and then let down, to God....sometimes I feel it's all I've got to give Him.
I hate those dreams. They seem so real.
I am holding her, feeding her...we are in the hospital and I can smell the new baby smell even in my dream. It feels like I am with her for hours.
And then I wake up.
The dream dissipates.
The baby is gone.
And like a cruel joke I am 15dpo, with 2 positive blue-dye pregnancy tests and a negative FRER.
Yes, 15 days past ovulation with a 13 day luteal phase. Two positive blue-dye pregnancy tests, but oh no, don't think they are really positive....because "blue-dye" tests are notorious for giving false positives. And the real truth-be-told test is the First Response Early Response pink dye test.
Not even a hint of a line on the FRER.
The baby in my dream is gone.
The dream of a baby this month is gone.
Why isn't my period here yet? Oh, you know that nasty progesterone that I take to help support a potential pregnancy....it also tends to extend your LP.
*sigh*
And no, like a chicken I didn't make the NaPro appointment yet. I've decided to wait one more cycle so that Isabel will be out of school and we will have more flexibility in being able to travel the 3 1/2 hours to the doctor's office. So this month's plan is Fertilaid! I'm kind of excited about it. Okay, so I get excited whenever I try something "new" in the trying to conceive department. Fertilaid is a supplement (3x a day!) that both Rob and I will be taking this month (Fertilaid for Men and for Women).
So we will see how it goes. Here's to another month!
On a different note, I am so very glad that I say my morning offering to start my day. This month especially has been very emotional for some reason especially starting about midway through my LP and I'm just so glad that I can offer every negative pregnancy test, all the disappointment, every temperature fluctuation, each day past my LP of hope and then let down, to God....sometimes I feel it's all I've got to give Him.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Presumption and Faith.
Today was my last bible study until next Fall (well there is one more class, but I will not be able to attend, so it was the last one for me), and it was so good.
I personally related to different points made this week such as the warning against presumption spoken of in James 4:13-15: "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town, spend a year there doing business, and make a profit'- you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow. You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears. Instead you should say, 'If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.' "
This really ties into my last post! I think this week's bible study lesson was a true confirmation from God that I just have to hope and have faith, and stop having all these expectations for my future life....to truly just abandon all to Him (and for me this is a daily act! Somtimes a minute by minute act!) so that I can live in the present moment.
My life is contingent upon God. Even my very next breath, my next heartbeat is dependent upon Him. I would cease to exist just that quickly if He stopped thinking of me.
What a powerful reminder of how little I am in the whole scheme of things. And yet what a powerful reminder of how much God loves me...with all the people in the world, He loves me enough to be thinking of me!
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own "self-importance" (and for me that translates into how important it is for me to have another live baby and how my life should "look" according to this plan I have), that I truly am guilty of presuming things.
The priest who gave the video commentary on our lesson made this point: Our personal plans may have been thwarted but there is a divine wisdom behind the whole thing, the hand of divine providence is always involved and sometimes God lets us know the wisdom behind His timing, and sometimes He does not.
A year or two after college I went to a concert in a different city, downtown with a group of probably 6 friends. It was an all-day event and when we were driving back the 30 minutes to the house a cop pulled our car over. Luckily our DD (who happened to be DH) was in fact driving, because the rest of us had been drinking throughout the afternoon...but we were all so nervous that he would get a ticket for speeding or something, and then how would the rest of us get home? Well the cop let him off without any ticket and we just couldn't figure out why he pulled us over in the first place, but we did move from the left hand lane to the right hand lane (of the 4 lane divided highway) and kept our speed a little slower than normal. Not 3 minutes later, a car came barrelling towards us going the wrong way on the highway at super high speed in the LEFT lane, where we had previously been cruising prior to our incident with the cop.
God certainly let us know the wisdom behind His timing in that instance....getting pulled over by that cop saved our lives...or at the least saved us from a serious wreck.
Why God has thwarted my every attempt to have a baby after Isabel is beyond me. I often speculate on it with my very limited human wisdom...I can think of a couple of reasons why I believe it has been this way. But I wish God would reveal to me His true purpose...I wish He would make it as clear as that night after the concert on the highway.
There must be a reason...but it is still hard to understand.
And yet I just have to have faith when I don't understand. Faith that God knows, and that He knows best.
Faith that in the meantime, until I understand, that I can still try to live in and do His true and holy will in every moment.
I personally related to different points made this week such as the warning against presumption spoken of in James 4:13-15: "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town, spend a year there doing business, and make a profit'- you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow. You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears. Instead you should say, 'If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.' "
This really ties into my last post! I think this week's bible study lesson was a true confirmation from God that I just have to hope and have faith, and stop having all these expectations for my future life....to truly just abandon all to Him (and for me this is a daily act! Somtimes a minute by minute act!) so that I can live in the present moment.
My life is contingent upon God. Even my very next breath, my next heartbeat is dependent upon Him. I would cease to exist just that quickly if He stopped thinking of me.
What a powerful reminder of how little I am in the whole scheme of things. And yet what a powerful reminder of how much God loves me...with all the people in the world, He loves me enough to be thinking of me!
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own "self-importance" (and for me that translates into how important it is for me to have another live baby and how my life should "look" according to this plan I have), that I truly am guilty of presuming things.
The priest who gave the video commentary on our lesson made this point: Our personal plans may have been thwarted but there is a divine wisdom behind the whole thing, the hand of divine providence is always involved and sometimes God lets us know the wisdom behind His timing, and sometimes He does not.
A year or two after college I went to a concert in a different city, downtown with a group of probably 6 friends. It was an all-day event and when we were driving back the 30 minutes to the house a cop pulled our car over. Luckily our DD (who happened to be DH) was in fact driving, because the rest of us had been drinking throughout the afternoon...but we were all so nervous that he would get a ticket for speeding or something, and then how would the rest of us get home? Well the cop let him off without any ticket and we just couldn't figure out why he pulled us over in the first place, but we did move from the left hand lane to the right hand lane (of the 4 lane divided highway) and kept our speed a little slower than normal. Not 3 minutes later, a car came barrelling towards us going the wrong way on the highway at super high speed in the LEFT lane, where we had previously been cruising prior to our incident with the cop.
God certainly let us know the wisdom behind His timing in that instance....getting pulled over by that cop saved our lives...or at the least saved us from a serious wreck.
Why God has thwarted my every attempt to have a baby after Isabel is beyond me. I often speculate on it with my very limited human wisdom...I can think of a couple of reasons why I believe it has been this way. But I wish God would reveal to me His true purpose...I wish He would make it as clear as that night after the concert on the highway.
There must be a reason...but it is still hard to understand.
And yet I just have to have faith when I don't understand. Faith that God knows, and that He knows best.
Faith that in the meantime, until I understand, that I can still try to live in and do His true and holy will in every moment.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
This present moment.
"How are you doing?"
I have really been getting this question alot lately. (And I don't mind at all, by the way! It is wonderful to know that people still think about us in regard to Mary Grace and trying to conceive).
And it's not the casual "Hey, how're things going?".
It's the deep, implied meaning, "So how are you doing?".
And quite frankly I've been doing great! I think it has alot to do with the springtime weather we are having that really gets your heart soaring! And a soaring heart is great for keeping an optimistic outlook!
I heard back from the NaPro doctor I contacted and I can schedule with her around ovulation time. So that puts us into next month because I ovulated yesterday, so this cycle is "out" as far as an appointment goes. I'm not sure if I should go ahead and actually make the appointment though...I mean, what if I get pregnant this month? What if this is it?
That is the game I play every month though! So I think I will go ahead and schedule it and I can cancel if something wonderful (like a pregnancy!) happens....
So that has me a little excited.
I've also been delving into some "homeschool" activities with Isabel (and homeschool is in quotations because Isabel is still in her preschool class) and I've just been loving it. We had such a great week of learning together that it really helped me be able to focus on loving her in a new way, as one of her "teachers"! I think God is really moving in my heart this week and I it has been such a blessing.
Ever since ending Lent it felt like I'd been in a bit of a dry spell. You know that feeling where God feels distant? And now it's like He is finding new ways to reveal Himself to me...new ways to intimately work Himself deeper into my heart.
And that part feels sooooo good! It is such a relief when the Lord quenches that thirst....that longing for Him.
What else? I had Rob dismantle the crib.
What!? You 've had an empty crib set up for the last 2 years?
*blush* Yes. And that's not the half of it!
I've had at least 6 boxes of diapers sitting on a changing table for the last 2 years, just waiting to be used.
Do diapers expire? *shrug*
I just can't bear to part with them, but I did put them away in the closet so it no longer looks like I've just won the diaper lottery.
We took the crib down the street for a neighbor to borrow. This way it is at least getting some use and we can get it back if it looks like we will be in need of it again.
I did have mixed feelings about taking down and putting away these items, but it is kind of like spring-cleaning of the heart...I've got to move on from the dream that's in my head of a house with many little children running around. I've got to sweep out these preconceived ideas about how my life was supposed to be, and make room to be at peace with God's plan for how my life is supposed to be.
And while the crib is up and the diapers are out, I am not fully living in His plan. Because the reality is that there is not another baby to care for in this moment.
The only child I have to care for right now is Isabel.
She is my present moment.
And I am so thankful that I get to be a Mommy to her here, right now.
I have really been getting this question alot lately. (And I don't mind at all, by the way! It is wonderful to know that people still think about us in regard to Mary Grace and trying to conceive).
And it's not the casual "Hey, how're things going?".
It's the deep, implied meaning, "So how are you doing?".
And quite frankly I've been doing great! I think it has alot to do with the springtime weather we are having that really gets your heart soaring! And a soaring heart is great for keeping an optimistic outlook!
I heard back from the NaPro doctor I contacted and I can schedule with her around ovulation time. So that puts us into next month because I ovulated yesterday, so this cycle is "out" as far as an appointment goes. I'm not sure if I should go ahead and actually make the appointment though...I mean, what if I get pregnant this month? What if this is it?
That is the game I play every month though! So I think I will go ahead and schedule it and I can cancel if something wonderful (like a pregnancy!) happens....
So that has me a little excited.
I've also been delving into some "homeschool" activities with Isabel (and homeschool is in quotations because Isabel is still in her preschool class) and I've just been loving it. We had such a great week of learning together that it really helped me be able to focus on loving her in a new way, as one of her "teachers"! I think God is really moving in my heart this week and I it has been such a blessing.
Ever since ending Lent it felt like I'd been in a bit of a dry spell. You know that feeling where God feels distant? And now it's like He is finding new ways to reveal Himself to me...new ways to intimately work Himself deeper into my heart.
And that part feels sooooo good! It is such a relief when the Lord quenches that thirst....that longing for Him.
What else? I had Rob dismantle the crib.
What!? You 've had an empty crib set up for the last 2 years?
*blush* Yes. And that's not the half of it!
I've had at least 6 boxes of diapers sitting on a changing table for the last 2 years, just waiting to be used.
Do diapers expire? *shrug*
I just can't bear to part with them, but I did put them away in the closet so it no longer looks like I've just won the diaper lottery.
We took the crib down the street for a neighbor to borrow. This way it is at least getting some use and we can get it back if it looks like we will be in need of it again.
I did have mixed feelings about taking down and putting away these items, but it is kind of like spring-cleaning of the heart...I've got to move on from the dream that's in my head of a house with many little children running around. I've got to sweep out these preconceived ideas about how my life was supposed to be, and make room to be at peace with God's plan for how my life is supposed to be.
And while the crib is up and the diapers are out, I am not fully living in His plan. Because the reality is that there is not another baby to care for in this moment.
The only child I have to care for right now is Isabel.
She is my present moment.
And I am so thankful that I get to be a Mommy to her here, right now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
