Thursday, July 2, 2009

Ugh...July is here.

So July is here. I've been quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) dreading July's arrival. My wedding anniversary and my would-have-been due date for Mary Grace both fall on July 11th. A mere week and two days away.

Quite frankly I'm having trouble reconciling my feelings about that date. Robert will want me to be happy and celebrate, as we should because it is a great celebration of our marriage. A day to rejoice in our great love for each other and remember the commitment we have made to one another for life. And yet it is the day which our little Mary Grace should have been arriving. We should have been celebrating doubly that day!

I can sit back and still remember the joy and excitement that I had thinking about the fact that our second daughter shared a due date with the most important event in mine and Robert's lives- our own union in marriage! There couldn't be a happier celebration, I thought.

And now it is so bittersweet. And I haven't figured out what to do on that day. Or how to bring both parts of the day, the joy of our anniversary and the grief of not being able to welcome a live Mary Grace into our family; how to bring both of those parts together. Maybe the days leading up to the due date will be the worst. Sometimes it is the anticipation of, rather than the actual day that seems to be harder.

I was also hoping to be pregnant again right now. I thought that would help lessen the blow of July 11th. But I guess mine and God's plans haven't been quite matching up in the baby department. I'll have to work on that.

Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

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