Well I've felt progressively sadder as the day has worn on. If things had gone according to MY PLANS, I would be 39 weeks and 6 days pregnant with Mary Grace today...hopefully going into labor soon. I imagined all this week how big my belly should have been and remembered how big I was with Isabel.
I love being pregnant. I love the joy it brings, knowing there is a new life growing inside of you. Feeling the movements, anticipating what your baby will look like and who they will become. What's not to love?
And clearly, I wish that I was still pregnant with Mary Grace. About to meet her, about to smell her sweet baby skin, about to introduce her to her sister and our family...
Part of me is really anticipating that tomorrow, my due date, will not be as bad as I am imagining. We have alot going on tomorrow, and I'm hoping that keeping busy will keep my mind off the sadness growing in my heart.
I realized today that I needed to read something uplifting as my spirit was starting to sink. So I picked up The Prayer of Jabez Devotional by Bruce Wilkinson; a book I haven't looked at in well over a year. And what bookmark would I find inside?
Saint Gerard Majella: PRAYER FOR SAFE DELIVERY
O Great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ, perfect imitator of thy meek and humble Saviour, and devoted Child of the Mother of God: enkindle within my heart one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in thine and made thee a seraph of love.
O glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime, thou didst bear, like thy Divine Master, without murmur or complaint, the calumnies of wicked men, thou hast been raised up by God as the Patron and Protector of expectant mothers. Preserve me from danger and the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the child which I now carry, that it may see the light of day and receive the lustral waters of baptism, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Really? God wanted me to find the "prayer for safe delivery" the day before I was supposed to deliver? Why? Is this a cruel game? Does God find my pain humorous? At first I wondered if it was some big joke that the Creator of the universe was playing on me. I imagined Him sitting back on His throne having a mighty laugh.
And then I slowly began to let it sink in that maybe He was not laughing at me, rather smiling as I began to read the pages that were held by that bookmark.
"Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?" Jeremiah 32:27
Of course not, I thought. And as I read the reflection for that day, I analyzed my fears about not ever getting pregnant again, and my suspicions that maybe God only wanted to bless me a little bit, or that maybe His plans for me weren't really that important...I really took a hard look at these things.
And then came the moment that I think God was smiling about: The moment that I realized that I had indeed been putting my God in a box. My God is "a God of power- available, essential, and unlimited" (p. 68, The Prayer of Jabez). Have I really understood and appreciated that? Nothing is too hard for my God. And I feel like today He was giving me a sign that I would be an expectant mother again one day soon; I just need to allow Him to remain with me, and to be the God He really is... not limited by my fears, anxieties and suspicions that He won't see me through everything...but unlimited in His ability to change circumstances, do the unimaginable, and blow our mind with His power and grace!
Lord only You can sustain me through the trials and dark moments in my life. Help me to keep You out of the "box" I put You in with my worries and fears about the future. Give me an unshakeable confidence and trust in You!