Do you ever have days where you feel defeated? In this whole trying to conceive journey I never really felt "defeated". Some days a little bummed, some days strangely optimistic despite all of the negative circumstances.
But today I feel defeated. Maybe it's because everyone else is popping out babies like there's nothing to it. I have found out that no fewer than 5, yes FIVE people are pregnant this week.
And the sad part is while I'm happy for them, I'm more sad for me.
Boy, that sounds self-centered, doesn't it?
But that sadness is really overwhelming the feelings of happiness I have for them. Which is, in itself, sad. Because I want to be elated for my friends and family. I want to be jumping for joy that a new life has been created for the people I love. I want to be ecstatic that their families are about to expand with an abundance of love for a new little person.
But I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling much of anything today except for numb, disappointed self-doubt about whether we will ever have those feelings in our own family again.
I'm typing this in Rob's office and I just looked over at his calendar and what do I see?
"Know for certain that God holds you in every place." Proverbs 5:21
That's pretty powerful right there. Because not only do I need God to be holding me through my grief in other's joy, but I know for certain that He holds me even when I am feeling this low.
I don't know if people who have not struggled with trying to add to their family can really understand or fully grasp where I am coming from. Alot of people reading this would probably wonder "Why can't you just be happy for other people who are pregnant?" And the best way to describe it is that I do know that the joy is inside me for them...but right now it is pushed really far down inside me. And it feels like my grief over not being pregnant/losing babies/trying month after month is smothering my feelings of happiness for them. It's like the grief is a blanket that has covered up my feelings of happiness for others.
And I have to say that some days are better than others in this regard. Some days I look at my neighbors' one year olds (three neighbors, three one year olds) and just delight in my heart that God has blessed them with these beautiful little babies. And then other days that joy is overshadowed..."blanketed" by my own desires for a baby, and my own feelings of "I should have a one year old by now, too" (had our first try for a second child not been an ectopic pregnancy.)
So it's hard. It's hard because I want to be able to give my family and friends the love and support that they should have during their joyful time, and yet it's simply hard.
Please pray that I would have a "complete and abundant joy" in my heart for all these pregnant friends and their families! And most definitely join me in prayer that all of these babies and moms will remain healthy!