Friday, July 24, 2009
Looking to the bright side of things.
So for the last two-ish months, I've been feeling a bit down about things (which is probably quite evident from some of my blog posts)....Rob would say that I qualified as being called a "Debbie Downer".
I've noticed myself being more pessimistic about life. Feeling like we would never get pregnant again. Feeling sorry for myself over our three losses. Being disappointed with the way that God is carrying out His plans for my life. I guess feeling some of the anger about our situation that I hadn't really felt or let myself feel for the first couple of months after Mary Grace died.
At first it felt "nice" to succomb to those feelings. To indulge my sorrowful, frustrated attitude. I felt like I deserved to have those feelings. And surely having some of those feelings is just natural. But indulging those thoughts for an extended period of time has been nothing short of miserable. It has left me feeling more down, it has left me at times resenting friends for the situation that they are in, and worst of all, I have distanced myself from God.
And then I read this post by my blogger friend, Tracey, and it was exactly what I needed to hear.
I never question my faith in God. I absolutely know for certain that my God is who He says He is, and that the things which He promises are 100% true. But sometimes my walk with Him falters. I veer from the path which we are walking together to one which I think I can handle alone. And the truth is, that no one can handle this life without God. We may think we've got it under control, but life without God does not give us joy in our soul. And that is what I've been missing these last two months.
So I picked up God Love You by Fulton Sheen, an old book (1955) and read this, "One of the greatest mistakes is to think that contentment comes from something outside us rather than from a quality of the soul (p 7)." Well I have certainly been of the thought that getting pregnant again will make me content.
He goes on to note three aspects to being content: having faith, having a good conscience, and limiting our delights/desires. "What we over-love, we over-grieve (p8)." I have absolutely been "over-loving" the idea of getting pregnant again and "over-grieving" each month that it doesn't happen...which has been making me miserable.
And finally one more quote and then I'll stop, I promise! "All evils become lighter if we endure them patiently, but the greatest benefits can be poisoned by discontent (p 8)." Wow! How true is that for me. I can't share in being joyful when someone else gets pregnant because I'm discontent in my soul. And clearly that comes from my choice to pull away from my walk with God.
So in short I don't like my attitude and it's time for a brighter one. I'm a very practical, type A personality, so I like to take concrete steps to make things happen and that starts with identifying the problem and then making a list of ways to fix it ;)
So here's where I'll start:
1. Achieving a more disciplined prayer life.
2. Attending Mass more than "just on Sundays".
3. Going to confession more frequently.
4. Opening my bible on a daily basis!
5. Asking for your prayers to help me get back to a closer relationship with God.
Thank you friends for your prayers and for sticking with me even through these last couple of months when my attitude has been less than content. I am excited about looking to the bright side of things.