Sunday, June 28, 2009

Four Months.

Wow...four months already? Four months so soon? It's hard to believe that it's been four months since I had her. Sometimes it seems like an eternity and yet sometimes it seems like just yesterday.

One of our priests at church has been transferred out of our parish to help at a retirement center for priests. Today was his last day. He was the priest who celebrated Mary Grace's funeral. It was sad. It's been four months and she's gone and now he's gone. Of course it didn't help that they played Eye Has Not Seen in church today. Here are the lyrics that touched me:

Our lives are but a single breath.
We flower and we fade.
Yet all our days are in Your hands
so we return in love what love has made.


What a beautiful verse, and yet such a poignant reminder of what we've been through. I like to think of us having returned Mary Grace in love to the Father.

Meanwhile I'm still waiting for new life around here... I don't feel like our family is anywhere near complete... but what if God's plan is that it is? What if it's just supposed to be me, Robert and Isabel? That's really difficult for me to accept. In fact, right now, I'm sure I don't accept that. And by that I mean, I will simply keep trying. It is discouraging to feel like a failure when I don't get pregnant month after month, and discouraging to keep losing babies when I do get pregnant...especially when they have all been random losses. I know we all want what we can't have, but is wanting more children to bless our family something that I can't have? Maybe. And maybe one day I will have to accept that it will just be the three of us here on earth.

And maybe God isn't done with my suffering yet. Because it is a type of suffering that women who have been trying to conceive for months go through. But I can keep my eye on the prize, and I can remind myself not to whine about not getting pregnant and not to despair over the losses that we've had...I can remind myself that my suffering has redemptive purposes when Christ uses it to help others.

So thank you Mary Grace on your four month anniversary, and my other little ones in heaven, for what you are helping Christ accomplish through me. And please ask Jesus to send us some baby dust to help us conceive a new little blessing.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey, Angela! I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you guys and praying for you all! Mary Grace continues to live on in our hearts!!

love
Amber :)

Hil323 said...

Praying for you to have a little one and for you to get that little one when the time is right--I feel positive for you and bet it'll happen when the time is right.. It's been a short time, don't give up and grieve yet!!! Maybe God , who knows what we need better than us, knows you need to grieve still and also let your body have a rest after all you've been through. It really hasn't been that long either! Don't despair!For God has plans for us, not for disaster, but for a future and HOPE!

Cathy's world said...

I know you don't know me but I have come across your blog and have followed it for about a month now.
My name is Cathy, I live in California. I too lost my child. The situation is a little diffrent but nonetheless, my child! When it comes to mom's there are no boundries. We all hurt no matter what the situation may be.
Our son was diagnosed with CNS lypmphoma. We lived at The Ronald McDonald house for 11 months so we could be by our sons side for his 11 month stay at Loma Linda Childrens hospital.
He was given his wings on August 7, 2000. I watched my beautiful son suffer through cancer and a stroke and then untill he went home to be with the Lord. It is every parents nightmare.
My advice to you is to follow your heart and your feelings. Don't you dare let anyone tell you when to move on or when to stop grieving!!! Everyone griefs diffrently. You have the right to grief for as long as your heart feels you must.
I think on your aniversary you might let some balloons go in honor of your Mary Grace. Then maybe have dinner with your husbund who I am sure is still hurting too. Maybe the dinner can be for you and him and in remembernce of your angel.
I am so sorry about your precious lost. I hope some day God will grant you full peace. He is a loving God!!! As I am sure you already know.
I pray that you will become pregnant again. In HIS time. it will happen.
Much love to you and your family in the upcoming weeks. I will keep you lifted in prayer.

From one who knows.
God Bless,
Cathy

Cathy's world said...

One more thing...
I had a hysterectomy before my son passed. I asked the priest at our church why was so much taken from me. My son and now I can't have any more children. He told me that ""HE will not leave you"" There is so much in store for you.
2 years ago this month my daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who was given my son's name, Jeremy. He is the light of my life.
God is not done with you sweetie. I always think of Job...So much was taken away and he was given back double.
Keep the faith. There is more to come.
God Bless!