The forgotten anniversary.

September 28th marked 7 months since our daughter died.  And the most horrible part of that, is that on September 28th I forgot that it was an anniversary. 

Not to say that I didn't think about Mary Grace this past Monday.  I find myself thinking of her here and there, briefly, every day.  She has been on my mind a lot as of late, but somehow it didn't connect on Monday that it was an anniversary.

That makes me feel like an awful mother.  I mean, not overall...but in that instance.  Who forgets their daughter's death anniversary at just the 7th month? 

I know.  We are only human.  I would not beat myself up like this if I had forgotten a friend's birthday, or my parents' wedding anniversary....but it wasn't any of those things.  It was my own daughter's anniversary. 

I only remembered while I was lying in bed last night.  And then, of course, I had a terrible time falling asleep, because what kind of person would forget such a thing?  Am I awful?  Am I that self-focused that it just "slips my mind"?

The longer someone is gone, the harder the memories are to hold onto.  They become unfocused, fuzzy,... maybe that is how it is becoming with Mary Grace for me.  I have photos and momentos to remind me.  But the actual memories are already greatly faded.  I guess it is natural.  I just didn't expect for it to happen so soon.  I didn't expect to forget an anniversary so soon.  I knew that there would be at least one month that I would forget....eventually.  But not yet. 

I wonder if women who get to have their babies for a longer time remember for a longer period of time.  Are the memories crisper if your baby died a few days after birth?   Would they be more vivid if I had had a few more hours holding her in the hospital?   If I had had more time?  If she had grown for another month in my belly? 

Am I just a horrible person for not being able to see these things clearly in my head? 

No, actually, I don't need you to answer that. 

I think in the end, we all want more time with our loved ones.  It feels like more time would mean less pain and more memories to keep in your heart. 

But I feel rotten about the forgotten anniversary...if your own mother forgets, who will remember? 

Forty Days for Life.

There is a campaign that begins tomorrow, Wednesday, September 23rd through November 1st, and it is the largest, coordinated pro-life event ever!  Jesus says, "Where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am." How amazing to be a part of 40 Days For Life that will pray for an end to the murder of innocent human lives.

You can participate by praying and fasting for an end to abortion over the next 40 days.  Here is a link to a page of daily devotionals for the next 40 days. 

This issue has come close to my heart in all that we went through with Mary Grace.  Knowing that there are many women whose babies are given a fatal diagnosis in utero, I feel especially called to participate in the 40 Days For Life campaign this year because every moment you have with your child is special, in and out of the womb.  Let's all pray that all mothers will choose life for their children. 

I thought about ending this post with the last paragraph, but sometimes we read these "please help" campaigns and think, "Oh that'd be nice to do..." and then forget about it, or think it is too much work.  So let's look at it in another way.  Let's pretend we can rewind the clock and that I am still pregnant with Mary Grace.  In fact, it is the day that I have just gotten the news from the amnio results that Mary Grace's condition is fatal...she will die in utero or once she is born.  Let's pretend I am not pro-life.  In this scenario, I am debating whether or not to abort Mary Grace.

Does that leave you with shudders?  I shuddered as I wrote it.

And out there in the world is another mother in my same shoes.  Another mother who is told her baby will die, so why not go ahead and "finish it"?

Maybe you agree that women should be allowed to choose to end their child's life if it is already going to die.  I don't agree with that, but you might.  So then pray for the healthy babies that mothers are aborting.  I'm not here to debate with you.  I'm just here to beg you to pray for the killing to stop.

Can you say one prayer for 40 days?  Do you have 15 seconds to say one Our Father a day to help end abortion? 

Can you give up one thing that is keeping you from spending time with God?  Give up one television program, or 30 minutes of internet time? 

Thanks for reading this.  Let's spend the next 40 days making a difference for tiny little innocents like her.

The joys of parenthood.

This morning I just happened to be watching the news when they interviewed a woman, Corinne Maier, who wrote a book about 40 reasons not to have children (No kids: 40 good reasons not to have children).

I was at first disgusted that anyone would write such a book and then to my surprise and horror they stated that the author is a mother of two!  That was when my disgust changed to heartache for her and especially for her two children.  I wondered about the emotional state of two children whose own mother's ideas about raising children included:

"your kid will always disappoint you"
"kids are the death of desire"
"motherhood or success: pick one"
"motherhood is a trap for all women"

Unbelieveable and appalling.

That made me want to make my own list of good reasons for having children. 

Here are a few:

Oh, as if this pic weren't good reason enough?? 

Increased love.
The joy of watching your child grow.
The wonder of discovery.
Loving pride of watching your child take his or her first steps.
How your heart melts when they say, "Mommy, I love you!"
Knowing your child has made you a better person.
Self-centeredness turns to selflessness.
Innocent questions.
Newborn baby smell!
Baby smiles and coos.
Cuddling a little one in your arms.
Knowing Mommy's hugs have meaning.
Children are a blessing from the Lord.
The desire for more children.
The laughter of your child.
The smile it puts on your face when you hear those giggles.
Sponataneous kisses and hugs.
Little hands reaching for yours.
Squeals of delight.
Knowing that you are your child's role model and biggest influence.
Becoming a family.
Sharing your child with his or her grandparents (don't they just delight in them?).
Knowing you worked together in the creation of a new life with God.

These are just some of the reasons that I came up with within a matter of minutes, and I was interested to know what your reasons are/were for having a child.  I'm not about to say that having a child is not hard work, it is!  But the joy, love and delight that come from having a child far outweigh the negatives in my mind.  Hopefully in your mind too!  Please feel free to add your joys of parenthood in the comments section!

Listening for God.

When I was in kindergarten, the teacher would always tell us, "If you're not looking, you're not...?" And then the class would answer with a resounding, "Listening!"

If you're not looking, you're not listening.

Remember that? That phrase has definitely stuck with me since I was five, although I'm not always the best at applying it. But it made me think about a person's relationship with God. It has at least been the case in my life, that when I am looking at God, when I am focused on Him in my daily life (talking to Him throughout my day, making an effort to live His teachings, offering my actions to Him throughout the day), I am more open to hearing the Lord when He wants to say something to me.

So last week during some personal prayer time, I tried to de-clutter my mind and let God speak to me.

What do you want to say to me, Lord? I want to be still and listen to what You have to say.

I asked Him to give me a word that I could focus on. And the word that came to my mind was

"Peace".

Peace. Okay. So I tried to think about that for the rest of my prayer time, and of course it led me to think about my life....the bigger events of my life were where my thoughts first traveled. My marriage, my daughter, my relationship with God, whether or not we would have more children, and of course, losing my babies.

And as I pondered these things I realized, I do have peace with what God has allowed to happen in my life. I do have peace that I have three babies in heaven. I have peace that God has blessed me with an adorable and irresistibly lovable daughter here on earth. I have peace that our family is a family of 3 on earth and 3 in heaven.

And although we are still trying for a baby, I have found a new peace in my heart over the possibility that it may just be the three of us.

And that word kept popping into my head throughout the week...randomly. It's like the Holy Spirit was just sending me a little nudge every now and then, reminding me, "Peace".

So when Isabel got a fever the evening before her first FULL day of preschool, I didn't stress...I felt peace.

When I realized that because she would not be able to attend school, I would likewise miss my first bible study class, I heard in my head, "Peace".

And to round out the week, when our Engaged Encounter volunteers discerned Robert and I to be the next Local Coordinators for the diocese of Charlotte, (a prospect over which I had previously been trembling in my boots felt reluctant) I had peace.

It's been such a freeing feeling to relax in the peace that the Lord brings. And He invites all of us to turn our worries, stresses, problems, grief and all burdens and shortcomings over to Him. He can do mighty things with you!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power." Ephesians 6:10

I do feel stronger, having listened to and applied what the Lord was telling me this week. Have peace and cast your worries on Him!

Passing the six month mark.

We've made it through the six month anniversary of our baby's death. We were on a much needed vacation with friends of ours, which was a blessing. We didn't really have time to reflect on this anniversary while we were away. Which was actually nice. It was nice to be so busy with joyful things that I didn't have time to think about what we were missing. Here is a picture of our family having fun on a boat ride during our vacation. I promise Isabel had fun too, although you wouldn't think so from her stoic picture taking face.



I think I've moved beyond the "I'm sad on every anniversary" phase. Now grief surprises me less frequently and when I'm not expecting it, but definitely less frequently. But when it does surprise me, I feel the way Isabel looks in that picture. My thoughts drift back to all the events of February.

I had time to contemplate things once we were back home and unpacked. I studied pictures of Mary Grace that we had taken. I went through some of her things that I keep in her memory box. I tried to not let my heart linger there too long. Just enough to "remember" for a few moments.

I still have Mary Grace's funeral remembrance card on our refrigerator. It's in the top left corner. Sometimes I'll look at it and think about taking it down, and one day I did take it out from under the angel magnet that keeps it stuck to the door...but I quickly put it back.

I have not been to her grave in quite some time and I do feel quite guilty over this. I know there is not a rule about how often you should go to visit your loved ones at a graveyard, but I guess when you start feeling guilty it's probably time to go, right?

It's just that it's been so gorgeous here the last week. We are getting the slightly cooler, almost-autumn temps with gentle breezes and it is just glorious! I have been praising God for the beauty of these days and it feels like a contradiction to sit at her grave on a glorious day.

There have been many things to keep me busy this month, that is for sure. Isabel starts preschool tomorrow and I am thrilled and a little heartbroken that the house will be so quiet for three hours on Mondays and Wednesdays. I know I am only looking at 6 hours a week of "Isabel-free" time, but I'm sure it will seem more quiet when you are wishing for a houseful of little voices.

When I filled out Isabel's preschool registration forms in January, there was a space for "siblings" and I remember noting "New sibling for Isabel due July 2009" with a smiley face at the end and exclamation points. Yesterday I turned in paperwork with the same "siblings" section and noted, "Baby sister, Mary Grace due July 11th, 2009, was stillborn in February. Isabel knows that her sister is in heaven and will speak of her frequently."

Time does not stop for grief and we are here, in the present, six months down the road. It is true what they say, "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." He has certainly guided us through the last six months and will continue to do so if we let Him.

A jump start.

Wow, August 20th! We have almost reached the six month mark since we lost Mary Grace. Sometimes it's hard to believe that this has been my life, losing three babies. At times the pain was so real and so harsh, and now the pain is there if I think too long about things; reliving how it all played out in my head, but it is a tender pain, if you will. It is painful, and yet I feel joyful that I will get to meet our little girl again.

Overall, I feel like I am doing much better.

My "jump start" to getting back on the right road was going to confession recently. Yes, confession. Catholic confession! It was just wonderful to feel God's grace poured out over me and not just knowing, but feeling that my sins were forgiven and that I was back in a state of grace! I don't think there is another feeling that is as refreshing to the soul.

I've been trying to turn over "control" of trying to conceive to God this month. Although I'm still trying to figure out what that looks like. How do you turn over control to God? I mean, in all estimations, He IS in control. Does that mean I'm supposed to give up charting my fertility? No more temperature taking, no more cross-checking when ovulation occurred each cycle? I don't think so. I mean, I think we have those tools to benefit our chances of conception each month.

No more obsessively taking pregnancy tests at the end of my cycle...every month? Well, that may be a good way to give up my "control". Although I really can't control whether or not there will be a second pink line on the test.

I don't mind admitting to you that my penance at confession was to say an "Our Father" with a special emphasis on "Thy will be done"...ahem. So I've been working on that...daily.

It was so joyous to be able to receive our Lord in Holy Communion on Sunday after having been to confession the day before! Knowing that I was receiving Jesus physically, into my body just gives a person so much strength! And certainly I could not have remained on this journey with every obstacle that we have been through without the strength of Jesus. It was no coincidence that the gospel was the following passage from John:

Jesus said to the crowds:
“I am the living bread that came down from heaven;
whoever eats this bread will live forever;
and the bread that I will give
is my flesh for the life of the world.”

The Jews quarreled among themselves, saying,
“How can this man give us his flesh to eat?”
Jesus said to them,
“Amen, amen, I say to you,
unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood,
you do not have life within you.
Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood
has eternal life,
and I will raise him on the last day.
For my flesh is true food,
and my blood is true drink.
Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood
remains in me and I in him.
Just as the living Father sent me
and I have life because of the Father,
so also the one who feeds on me
will have life because of me.
This is the bread that came down from heaven.
Unlike your ancestors who ate and still died,
whoever eats this bread will live forever.” Jn 6:51-58

Seeing through the thorns.

Someone posed this question to me the other day, "Why would God let this happen?" in regards to a specific situation they had encountered. And it's been on my mind ever since.

"This" could be alot of things.

It could be a family who's house is in foreclosure because the father lost his job.

It could be the little baby who was born with a heart condition undetected 'til birth.

It could be the tragic death of a friend who died doing what she loved and died way too young.

It could be the loss of three babies in 13 months...

Why would God let this happen?

All of these situations involve suffering. Sometimes our suffering is at the hands of another person. We hurt because someone spoke in anger to us, or another person rear-ended our car. In those situations it is almost easier to handle because there is a responsible party, and someone to forgive.

But when a baby is born ill...or not born at all...I think it is fair for some to ask why God would let this happen.

The truth is that we live in a fallen world. There is sin and there is death, even for the very smallest. If you are a Christian, you know that this world is not your home. It is not your destiny. It is passing. Our soul was created to rest in the Lord, and it will truly rest in a place where there is no sin and no death; in heaven, our eternal home.

I think God allows us to experience suffering to refine our soul. We re-evaluate what is important (that of the world, or that of heaven) and we take steps to draw closer to our goal. Some people turn away from God after this suffering (as I felt myself slipping from my walk with Him these last two months). From my experience, it came from an anger towards God. Anger from having had to suffer the loss of my baby, the loss of my future, and anger over not being in control of all these aspects of my life. And the bottom line is that God is in control of our life whether we want to acknowledge that or not. If He stopped thinking of us for but a second our life would cease to exist. He sustains our very breath until He determines our end.

And because He is all-knowing and His plans are perfect, when He chooses to close a chapter in our life, it is the perfect ending simply because it is how He meant it to be. This is hard to write because it means that I am saying that when God chose to take Mary Grace, it was a perfect choice. That sounds completely wrong, but when you try to see it through eyes aimed toward heaven, it begins to make some sense. Sometimes you have to look through the thorns to find the beauty in God's plan.

God doesn't make mistakes, ever.
God has a plan and it is perfect.
God's plan is perfect because He is all-knowing and all-powerful.
God's plan involves offering us the opportunity to accept Jesus as our Savior, so that we might join Him in a place where we will one day understand.