Thursday, October 1, 2009
The forgotten anniversary.
September 28th marked 7 months since our daughter died. And the most horrible part of that, is that on September 28th I forgot that it was an anniversary.
Not to say that I didn't think about Mary Grace this past Monday. I find myself thinking of her here and there, briefly, every day. She has been on my mind a lot as of late, but somehow it didn't connect on Monday that it was an anniversary.
That makes me feel like an awful mother. I mean, not overall...but in that instance. Who forgets their daughter's death anniversary at just the 7th month?
I know. We are only human. I would not beat myself up like this if I had forgotten a friend's birthday, or my parents' wedding anniversary....but it wasn't any of those things. It was my own daughter's anniversary.
I only remembered while I was lying in bed last night. And then, of course, I had a terrible time falling asleep, because what kind of person would forget such a thing? Am I awful? Am I that self-focused that it just "slips my mind"?
The longer someone is gone, the harder the memories are to hold onto. They become unfocused, fuzzy,... maybe that is how it is becoming with Mary Grace for me. I have photos and momentos to remind me. But the actual memories are already greatly faded. I guess it is natural. I just didn't expect for it to happen so soon. I didn't expect to forget an anniversary so soon. I knew that there would be at least one month that I would forget....eventually. But not yet.
I wonder if women who get to have their babies for a longer time remember for a longer period of time. Are the memories crisper if your baby died a few days after birth? Would they be more vivid if I had had a few more hours holding her in the hospital? If I had had more time? If she had grown for another month in my belly?
Am I just a horrible person for not being able to see these things clearly in my head?
No, actually, I don't need you to answer that.
I think in the end, we all want more time with our loved ones. It feels like more time would mean less pain and more memories to keep in your heart.
But I feel rotten about the forgotten anniversary...if your own mother forgets, who will remember?