Thursday, October 15, 2009

A little overwhelmed with feelings.

I'm feeling quite overwhelmed today. 

One of my best friends gave birth yesterday to a beautiful and healthy 9lb, 10oz baby boy!  And I am so excited for her family.  She gets to experience the joy of becoming a mother for the very first time!  The anticipation of meeting your little one after 9 long months (and sometimes a bit longer if you are overdue!) is quite high by the end, and then there they are...they just pop out and you get to fall in love all over again.

However today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  So today in a special way I am remembering Mary Grace and my other 2 babies who did not make it into this life, and yet I'm celebrating with my friend over her son's joyful entry into this world.  So it's been a little overwhelming.

Coupled with the fact that I have taken about 14 pregnancy tests over the last 5 days and they have all come up big, fat negative, my emotions are all over the place.

Furthermore, yesterday someone gave me the book Don't Sing Songs To A Heavy Heart:  How to Relate to Those Who Are Suffering.... well now why on earth would I need that??  I know, I know...this is not a very christian attitude...I need to be thankful someone was sort-of thinking of me.  But in all honesty, that is a book for THEM to read, not me!  I am the one suffering.  I don't need a book to relate to others who are suffering. 

But as I thought about it....maybe I do.  Maybe I'm so caught up in feeling sorry for myself that I'm not pregnant, feeling sad about losing Mary Grace, feeling overwhelmed that life goes on now matter what stage I'm in....maybe I'm missing opportunities to relate to other people who are suffering.  Maybe I am simply not noticing when another person is suffering. 

I had assumed that the suffering I went through would make me more aware, more open, more understanding of others who were suffering, but maybe that isn't the case.  It won't be the case if I don't allow it.  It won't be the case if I am too self-absorbed to notice.  So maybe this book will be good for me to read.  Maybe I will try not to be so defensive and just accept the "gift" book for what it is. 

Jeremiah 31:13b says, "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."  Imagine the anticipation turned to jubilation we will experience when Robert and I get to meet our three babies in heaven...I think that will rival a 9 month wait any day of the week.


Tracey said...

Angela...I feel for and with you my friend.

Prayers and blessings upon you for continued strength and wisdom and comfort.

Shannon said...

Remembering Mary Grace today and praying for you and your family!

House of Collinsworth said...

Praying for you. Today (October 15th I mean...even though it's now 2:00 in the morning on the 16th) my son's grave marker arrived. Today I met my friend's tiny newborn...she was due within days of Noah. Today my friends had their first child...a healthy baby boy. And it's Remembrance Day. I understand the flood of emotions. It's still so fresh for us. I'm praying for joy...for both of us. Goodnight.