Well physically I am doing great. The first day or two after being released from the hospital I felt pretty terrible: exhausted, still shaky, racing heart, etc. But every day for the next week, I felt my strength coming back and was feeling better and better (probably thanks to the iron pills!). The 2nd week I started feeling tired again, but after my thyroid levels came back at a normal level I started to feel much better (maybe it was psychological?).
My HCG levels have been falling quickly!
Upon admission to the hospital HCG was 650,000+
Upon discharge HCG was 150,000+
10 days later HCG = 1,351
1 week after that HCG = 317
*edited to add* 1 week after that HCG = 135
1 week after that HCG = 70
1 week after that HCG = 42
1 week after that HCG = 27
1 week after that HCG = 19
I have to continue to have my HCG checked weekly until it has reached a negative level (depends on the doctor, this can be <5 3="" a="" and="" at="" check="" checks="" consecutive="" continue="" for="" has="" it="" level="" monthly.="" nbsp="" negative="" or="" p="" then="" they="" to="" weekly="" will="">
Tomorrow is already 3 weeks since losing the baby. And the day after tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary of losing Mary Grace. It's just so surreal. I would have never thought after losing 4 babies back to back and then having 2 more healthy children that we would have lost another. Of course it makes me think what the future might bring. I'm not getting any younger, but I do turn 34 this year and then of course the next year I become....duh duh duh....."of advanced maternal age". Normally that wouldn't really phase me except that I kind of tend to already have complicated pregnancies.
Emotionally, this loss has been very different for me. This time I just haven't really been releasing many emotions until they just can no longer be contained and I explode. After the explosion with Ian which I wrote about last time, I went to confession and really made a resolution to control myself better....or at least try to be conscious of the times when I am getting upset, so that I can decompress before it gets to a nuclear level! And for the most part I thought I had been doing a pretty good job. But Isabel has been expressing some concerns, so I need to do better. I see weekly confession in my future for awhile just to help me to stay on track! I need that sacramental grace!!!
Emotionally, so far it has also been easier to have a lot of pregnant women around me (aside for that first HCG check at my doctor's office). I have 5 good friends who are currently expecting babies this spring and summer!! And thankfully by God's grace He is really helping to spare me from feelings of jealousy that I have had in the past after a loss.
So we are doing pretty good overall. Spring and summer are obviously very busy for us with the garden, and that has already started to serve as a good distraction and even a way to heal. Yesterday Isabel and I started our indoor seeds of peppers (hot and sweet), onions, basil and tomatoes (4 different varieties). Those little seedlings are a fun project ...watching them sprout and grow, tending to them with water and light...setting them outside to harden them off to the elements when they get big enough.
Hmmm....kind of like raising a garden of children!
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9 comments:
Thoughts and prayers for you as your body and soul begin to heal...
And please give no heed to that silly notion of " advanced maternal age." None of my first three pregnancies were easy. And after being told I would be unabe to conceive due to premenopausal hormone levels, we were blessed with our sweet baby Flynn Grace. I was the ripe old age of 40 when I had her! : )
Can I mention that if your irritability and impatience seem to not abate in a few weeeks, perhaps asking your doctor to prescribe something for post-postpartum depression? Bonnie on A Knotted Life has some pretty interesting posts about PPD, and how she was not even really aware that could be the source of her irritable mood. You've been through so much heartache, it's not at all surprising that you find it hard to get your balance. I am praying for you, that you will be able to find it easier to carry this heavy, heavy cross you have been given.
God Bless ~ Margaret
Prayers and love as you continue to heal in body and soul!
Hi friend.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I found your blog after losing my 4th baby at 20 weeks, Magdalene Joy. I don't blog anymore, but you were such a help and strength for me at that time. One of my losses, my second, was a partial molar. My doctor at the time, told me that only happens with girl babies. I did go on to find research to confirm that. It was very comforting to know, for me.
I also went on, after those losses to have a healthy baby boy at 44 yrs old. I worked with Dr Hilgers and my local prolife clinic. One of my docs was very open to reading Dr A Toths book, which was a great help. He has studied infections and pregnancy. I knew I had lost Magdalene because of group b, which they do not test for until later in gestation, but his worked aided us in finding it can be present much earlier and how it can effect conseption and growth folowing. He does talk about molars and partial molars as well.
I had never wanted to read him since I thought he only delt with STDs, but it is so much more.
I am now expecting again and so far, so good with my same protocol.
You are in my most heartfelt of prayers.
Lisa
Angelia,
It is amazing to me how God places people in you live (through what ever means) at the perfect time, thank Cindi. Today is my birthday and I will be thinking about and praying to your Mary Grace, I hope she and Peter can play together in Heaven.
We also have chickens and last year having a garden surely help me in my grieving. We built a memory garden for our little Peter. I can't wait to plant in it this year. We haven't started but next week we will start our seeds. I think you can plant outside sooner than we can here in NE.
I am also in a Catholic Homeschool group so I knew I had to deal with Mama's with babies and some who were Peter's age. Mamas are mostly sensitive to your feelings. I will continue to pray for you even without jealous it can be hard to see little babies in the summer when you baby would have been born. Even this past summer I sometimes thought God was playing tricks on me when I saw (always boys)the same age as Peter. I finally embraced these little reminders and would say "hi" to Peter at those moments.
Know you are in my prayers. God Bless.
~Adrianne
Continuing to pray for healing, peace, and comfort.
You're Lent is so heartbreaking this year. Hope that after your time in the desert of mourning, Easter shines with extra brilliance. Love and prayers!
Thank you all so much for your kind comments. They have helped me so much this week and it is such an encouragement to know that we can support and encourage each other through these blogs and what God does through them!
I've also been struggling with anger outbursts after my loss. Thank God for confession! I hope every day gets a little easier for you. And isn't infertility/loss extra cruel in that it steals our years when we're young and healthy and not of "advanced maternal age"? I'm dealing with that now. It really snuck up on me. I have a post swirling in my head about it :)
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