Thursday, December 31, 2009

Oh 2009! I did not know what you had in store for me.




What an amazing year 2009 has been. 

We found out we were having our second baby girl on the same day that we found out she was likely to soon die.

We loved and fought for her with a passion and strength that I didn't know we could have for a little one we had not yet met.

We prayed that God's will be done in her life and in ours.

We grieved when the doctor told us she had gone.

We carried her coffin down the aisle for her funeral and buried her on a gusty March day.

We began to live life "after Mary Grace died", although for a long time it was a blurry mess of tears and pain.

We began to heal.

I stopped counting the time since she died in hours, days and weeks.

We opened our hearts to new life and struggled with God's timing.

We relinquished our desires for another baby to God's will and gave up fighting for control.

We began to experience joy that comes from knowing our suffering unites us to Christ in an intimate way.

We suffered an early pregnancy loss in November.

I have gone from being agitated by seeing pregnant women to being envious, to being happy for them, to longing to be them.

I have grown deeply in my relationship with Jesus through my suffering and have an ever-increasing desire to do His will.

Oh Lord, what a special job my two "2009 babies" had if it was to bring me closer to you.  If by losing them I was forced to look at my life, my desires, my intentions and conform them to Your will then that is the greatest gift they could give me.  With prayers from friends, family and strangers we have persevered this year.

In this way God has deeply blessed our family this year.  Thank you God!

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance.... in the kingdom of light. Colossians 1:9-12

3 comments:

chadandnikki said...

It was most definitely an interesting year. I'm glad I didn't know what it would bring 365 days ago. And I'm glad it's over.

But I'm most thankful for all the lessons learned and that it's driven me closer to the Lord. Thanks for this post. It's wonderful.

Meredith said...

Ang, what a hard, yet beautiful blog you just wrote. It isnt easy to know or to understand what God's plans are, but like you said, as long as we are drawing nearer to Him and relying on Him, that's really all that matters. You have survived 2009 and know that no matter what else comes your way, you'll survive that too with Jesus as the source of your strength and existance! We love you and are praying for a great new year for you all! I'm proud of you and all that you've overcome-your treasures will come in heaven-for eternity!!

Abigail said...

What a beautiful post. I share so many of your same feelings. We lost a son in utereo in 2006 and had a Baby girl fight for her life at Children's National Hospital this past year in 2010. I look forward to reading more about your faith journey with dear Mary Grace.