HCG level remains at 1 and the grief hit me.

So it took 3 days to get an answer back from my doctor, but it looks like my HCG level is at 1 for the third week in a row. 

Maybe some people just don't get down to zero? 

So he said I could now do monthly checks!  Hooray! 


It's hard to imagine that I would have been really big and pregnant about now.  I had a hard time a week ago when I went to get my levels drawn and there was a new nurse who had never met me.  When I checked in and told her I was a weekly standing appointment, she immediately asked "glucose levels?" and I told her, "No, HCG."

"Oh, you're pregnant?  Well that's great!"

I started stammering and trying to make my mouth make some sort of words; my face must have looked frowny, because she looked at me and tried to correct herself (not any more accurately, unfortunately)... "Oh, errr....you just had a baby?"

"We lost a baby and they are checking my HCG levels to make sure they go down."

Finally...I got it out.

"Oh I've had a miscarriage too,"  she said offhandedly and went back to her paperwork.

I took my seat to wait for them to call my name.  My mind was reeling. 

What just happened?  Where was my usual lady?  She was going to ask about how Isabel was doing and what were our plans for the summer?  And how were the goats?  And she wasn't here.  Just this new lady asking me if I was pregnant and if I had just had a baby and then casually commenting about miscarriage as if we had both just stubbed our toe and man, doesn't that hurt?

I was trying to work it all out in my head, the odd interaction, when I got called back by the only pregnant nurse in the office.

"Do you always use the same arm?" she asked me as I thrust my left one out.

"Well, yeah, why?"  Thinking it must look bruised or messed up....how did she know?

"Well you come here every week and I just wondered."  She paused and then continued..."because I have to get blood drawn and it about drives me crazy and I always have to switch arms."

Her now obviously pregnant belly was right at eye level as she tightened the tourniquet and asked me to make a fist.  So now I had to comment on her pregnancy, because what else could she be referring to?

"When are you due?"

"October."

"Well congratulations!  That's wonderful!"   I was happy for her.  I have not had those awful feelings of anger and jealousy after losing Francis Marie that I have had after previous losses. 

Then she said, "Yeah, that's what everyone's been saying.  But I don't know.  I was so sick the first 3 months I dropped 10 pounds and now I'm so tired I can barely stand it."

Ugh...there it was.  The ungratefulness.  The fact that this girl was quite healthily pregnant and wasn't even sure if she was happy about it.  I felt my stomach turn and my heartbeat quickened.  I had the opportunity, had I been thinking to say something beautiful...something profound...something that maybe could have changed her viewpoint.

Instead all that came out was, "Well, the tired part will only get worse!  Hahah....good luck."

And I jetted for the door taking a deep breath as I passed under the neon exit sign.

I got in the car and that's when it hit me....the grief.  For perhaps the very first time since February I was just overcome with this terrible depressed feeling.  It clouded everything in an instant, like a sweeping fog over my whole being.  I immediately thanked God for keeping this feeling from me for so long, but instantly dreaded the loss of His consolation as the grief washed over me.

I didn't want to go home to my kids and my husband.

I just wanted to sit in the car.

Maybe drive away somewhere far.

I really wanted a cigarette. 

Yep, I thought back to the time when cigarettes made me feel better.  When I would get mad or depressed and all it took was one cigarette to relieve some of those awful feelings.

Okay, nope.  Can't go buy cigarettes now at 34.   You're past that.  You've got little kids at home.  That's a bad plan.

Luckily I agreed with my subconscious and finally succumbed to the realization that I just had to go home and face the rest of the day...real life.  Still dishes from breakfast and lunch to prepare and laundry and goats and diapers...

So I went home and my dear husband realized that something was not right.  And I was able to tell him.  And he said, "Yeah, it's strange how grief can hit you at the oddest times out of nowhere."

So true.  Thankfully the grief was just for a day or two and it has passed for the time. 

Then on Sunday, the Feast of Corpus Christi, the first reading was Dt. 8: 2-3

Moses said to the people:
"Remember how for forty years now the LORD, your God,
has directed all your journeying in the desert,
so as to test you by affliction
and find out whether or not it was your intention
to keep his commandments.
He therefore let you be afflicted with hunger,
and then fed you with manna,
a food unknown to you and your fathers,
in order to show you that not by bread alone does one live,
but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of the LORD.

"Do not forget the LORD, your God,
who brought you out of the land of Egypt,
that place of slavery;
who guided you through the vast and terrible desert
with its saraph serpents and scorpions,
its parched and waterless ground;
who brought forth water for you from the flinty rock
and fed you in the desert with manna,
a food unknown to your fathers."

Wow....that just totally spoke to me.  God directed their journeying in the desert....He directs MY journeying in this desert so as to test me by affliction to find out if I would keep His commandments.

Garden End of June 2014

Here is our garden update for the end of June.

Our potato plants pretty much succumbed to the Colorado potato beetle infestation.  However, the potatoes are still in the ground and will be harvested in the next week or two.
Beans are shot because I decided to test out "what happens if you put uncomposted chicken manure on them" and my experiment failed...they die.  That's what happens.
I tried a second round in the same spot and guess what....that experiment failed too.
Planning on trying one more round in a different spot, and I'm hoping that it is not too late to put bean seeds in the ground.  I guess we will see.

Squash, zucchini, tomatoes, watermelon, cantaloupe and pumpkin are all growing well.

Okra has popped up and looks good so far. 

Of the pepper plants that survived, they are looking tiny but leaves look good.  I need to feed them.

Corn is growing on the stalks, but our stalks and leaves are not nearly as tall or lush as our neighbor's because we didn't fertilize them like he did. 

And the weeds....well, weeds are everywhere.  Between the kids and the other kids (dairy goats), there is no time to weed or fertilize or spray NEEM oil.  The garden just is what it is right now.  And we are lucky that it is producing and kind of running on it's own for the moment!

The other night we ate a meal entirely from our garden/homestead!  My brothers came over and we made a beer-can chicken (with one of the meat chickens we raised), potato salad with fresh potatoes and eggs from the garden, cucumber salad, and deviled eggs!  All from our own land!  It was truly a farm to table meal.

I'm really thrilled with how well the squash and zucchini are doing this year.  Last year it was so wet, that they did not do well at all, but we are growing squash and zucchini out our ears right now and the plants look really good!

Isabel's Humberto tomato plant

 

Tomatoes and weeds.  These tomatoes are starting to yellow on the bottom leaves.

 

See?

New cucumber variety we are trying this year:  Edmonson, I think.  It is good for slicing or pickling...as you can see it looks just like a pickle.

Cucumber plants and weeds.

Corn and weeds.

 

 

This is a bug on the fruit of my potato plant.  Potato plants occasionally produce fruit which is not edible and of no use to the gardener, since potatoes are grown from...well, from a sacrificial potato, so to speak! 

Watermelon plants and weeds...notice a theme in our garden?  Hahah!

 



 

Some squash and 2 cucumbers and kale seed pods that I will let dry out.  Found out the hard way that once they dry out they burst open on their own....so my garden is littered with hundreds of kale seeds that I was hoping to save in a little baggie.

HCG continues to drop!

Good news over here.... HCG has gone from 4 to 3 to 2 and now to 1.  I'm hoping on Monday it will be a zero.  Then 3 consecutive zeros and then monthly checks for 3 months.  The nurse called this week to say that we would definitely cancel the referral to the oncologist. 

No Oncology Visit! Praise God!

Because of the holiday on Monday, I had my blood drawn Tuesday.  So Wednesday morning I was waiting with baited breath for a phone call around 7:30am.  My OBGYN nurse always calls at this time, so I knew that if I got a phone call around this time then all would be well.  If not, that meant the doctor would be giving me a call later and that would not be great news.

Luckily at 7:34am, the phone rang and the nurse said that my HCG level had gone down 1 from 4 to 3!  This was excellent news to me.  But again, they want it at zero.

She then told me that my doctor said I could do an optional referral to a gynecological oncologist for a second opinion due to the "slow decline" in HCG levels.  I had read somewhere that if after a molar pregnancy, your HCG is down to negative within 7 weeks, then you have a shorter wait time before they release you to try to conceive again, more than 7 weeks is apparently concerning to the doctors.  Well, this week will be 16 weeks for me.  So that has definitely been discouraging that everything is going so slowly.

But why focus on that?  The good news is that my levels went down and I don't have to do an oncology consult.  Praise God!

Partial Molar Pregnancy Update and addition to the farm.

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted and basically it has just been a long and slow road to get my HCG level to drop. 

Here is my recap:  doctors want my HCG level to be negative (which I was thinking was <5 6th="" are="" at="" checks:="" february="" here="" monday="" my="" nbsp="" numbers="" p="" since="" weekly="">
600,000+
1351
317
135
70
42
27
19
17
12
10
8
6
4
Latest test = 4

Well once we hit "4", I thought we were in the clear and I would be tested for 2 more weeks for a total of "3 weeks in the negative zone".  However, my OBGYN called tonight to tell me that this previous Monday's test was also a "4".  So for 2 weeks in a row, my HCG level has been 4.  He wants it at 0.  Literally zero.  He said he consulted with an oncologist and he is a little concerned about how slowly my levels have dropped and now that they are static at 4.

So next week if it doesn't drop, he is referring me to an oncologist for a second opinion. 

I have had one completely normal cycle with ovulation and all....and then the next cycle was a bit strange.  I bled for 14 days straight....started bleeding on cycle day 22 and then I think my actual period started on CD 30 and lasted for 6 days plus 1 day of spotting.  So that was definitely odd, but hopefully it is just my cycle trying to get back on track and not something worse.

To tell you the truth, I just feel back to my normal self!  And since we are not expecting a baby in August we decided to just focus on getting my health all back to normal and.....getting dairy goats. 

Yes, dairy goats.  So we've been dreaming of having dairy goats (just 2) to milk for our family and make cheese and, well the neighbors made this wonderful oatmeal lavender soap that I've fallen in love with, so goat milk soap too....and we needed to fence in an acre of our property with some serious fencing, because goats are really good at escaping apparently.  So we have just thrown ourselves into getting this fence up and researching goats (because neither of us have any caprine experience)...

cap·rine /ˈkæpraɪn, -rɪn/ Show Spelled

adjective

of or pertaining to goats.

 

So between the fence and the garden (tomatoes, kale, zucchini, potatoes, squash, watermelon, cantaloupe, carrots, peppers, sweet peas, pole beans and corn, currently), and sending Rob out to a dairy farm to check out some milkers....we've been pretty busy, but it's been a really good busy.  Good, productive, healthy busy.

 

So listen, you can definitely say a little prayer for me about the whole HCG drop/oncology thing.  I'm not really worried about it, but I can ALWAYS use prayer.

 

Thanks for reading along :)

My Kids' Cakes

So before I had kids I had never really tried to make a fancy cake.  I didn't really make much of any cakes to tell you the truth, but somehow once the birthdays started, I would find an idea for a cake and just go for it.    

                                                In the beginning, there was just a regular cake.

Isabel's First Birthday.

 

She wasn't too impressed as you can tell ;)

Her birthday celebration also coincided with nap time.  Rookie  parent mistake!

 

Second Birthday cake was also unimpressive....she had growing issues and was on a gluten-free diet at the time, so she had her own mini cake.

 

Third Birthday cake!  My first try at fondant.  I made my own and for my first attempt at making a "cute" cake, I thought it was fantastic!

 

It was a bug themed party.

 

Fourth Birthday she was really into Hello Kitty.  I loved this cake too!  So much fun!

 

Then we had her 5th Birthday and I had just had Ian....so she got this cake.

All I can say is that with a new baby, she's lucky she got a homemade cake.  Her favorite color is purple, so that was impressive to her ;)

 

Ian's 1st Birthday was right around Easter, so this was an obvious choice!  I thought this cake also turned out great!  The only thing that could have made it better is if I could have devised a basket handle.

 

For Isabel's 6th Birthday we had a party at a park.  We invited friends and every single one of them came.  I couldn't believe it!   So I had to make a big cake to feed a lot of people.  I thought a giant "I" for "Isabel" would be fairly easy and get the job done.

Ian's 2nd Birthday I was in the hospital delivering Caroline.  (Remember, their birthdays are one day apart?)  So there is no cake. 

 

 

Isabel's 7th Birthday at the end of the same month got a store-bought cake.  3 kids and one of them a newborn?  Could not handle making a cake!

 

But this year with the baby turning 1, Ian turning 3 and Isabel about to be 8, I had a lot of help and had the time to be able to make a cake again.

 

Caroline's cake turned out floppy.  No literally.  I took the cake layers and put them in the freezer and they froze on an uneven surface leaving me with a lumpy cake.  It was ridiculous.  I hesitate to put it on here, but I mean all the other cakes are here and it IS her first birthday cake, so here ya go.

 

 

So it was a double layer vanilla cake.  Isabel helped make little roses and she decorated the top with one of those edible markers....lumpy cake with some cracking fondant, hahahah..... who will remember those details other than me? ;)

 

Cake not so cute....but Caroline on her birthday?  Ummm....I'll take a second serving of her!  She was a doll.

 

And she loved her cake. 

 

I mean really loved it.  She was covered and smothered by the end.

And then, there was Ian's 3rd Birthday cake.

I searched pinterest for train cakes and came up with a lot of great ideas.  And basically just convinced myself I could do this ;)  And then I did.

 

 

It was really beautiful.  I had to set my ego aside because as soon as Isabel saw that fondant was really just edible modeling clay, she could not resist helping.  She is sooooo into making little figures with modeling clay; she just had a blast helping with the cake.

 

 

So it's a three layer cake.  2 chocolate layers and vanilla in the middle from scratch.  Buttercream icing from scratch, and marshmallow fondant.  Now the recipe said to use high quality marshmallows, but I cheated and used the store brand.  I saved a small bit of the buttercream to puff out the clouds.  It was stinkin' adorable. 

 

 

It tasted alright too. ;)

 

 

 

 

Ignited by Truth 2014

So I got a chance to attend this really wonderful conference again this year, this time with my wonderful husband.  Ignited by Truth is an annual conference that seeks to bring to light the teachings of the Catholic Church and ignite in the hearts of the attendees a love of their faith.  Here is a little bit of background on IBT:  http://www.ignitedbytruth.com/images/IBT_Rationale.pdf

I was so excited about the conference for a few reasons....the first is that I hadn't been since 2009 when we were in the very midst of finding out about Mary Grace.  The second is that it had an amazing list of speakers including Dr. Patrick Fagan, Dr. Scott Hahn, Kimberly Hahn and Jennifer Fulwiler, among others. 

Personally, I could have listened to Jennifer Fulwiler and both the Hahns give talks for days!!  They were such captivating and engaging speakers. 

The third reason I was excited about IBT is that I got to attend with my husband!  We were originally planning on just going together for a "date night" on the free Friday evening part of the conference, but God worked it out that Rob was able to attend all day Saturday with me as well!  As an aside, it is funny how far we have come with date nights!  I remember, pre-children when date nights consisted of meeting friends at the pool hall and having a ridiculous number of drinks and then feeling miserable the next morning when it was time to head into work.  That didn't last long once children entered our world, and now I'd have to say that I enjoyed this date night to hear these speakers talk about their faith in God with such joy and love far more than some of the crazy nights out we had a decade ago.  Ahhhh how time changes things ;)

There were 50 people at any given time in line for confession during the 2nd half of Saturday.  It was just beautiful to see so many people living their faith, excited about loving Jesus, and appreciating the fullness of truth that we have as a Catholic community.

I do have to say that I felt a little bit guilty.  Attending IBT this year was very different than attending in 2009.  I knew many people there this year!  Whereas in 2009, even though we had been in the Raleigh area for almost 6 years, I recognized no one that I knew at the conference.  But this year, we have become so entwined with the homeschooling community....and guess what?  They were all there.  And they were all volunteers!  And that is where my guilt comes in, because other than praying for the conference, I did not volunteer this  year!  My other bit of guilt came from getting to sit in the very front row on Friday night and in the second row on Saturday....I mean, the seats were empty, it just seemed like it was too good to be true to get a seat in the second row of 2000 people just 10 minutes before the conference began!

And my really exciting news was that Kimberly Hahn came and sat down next to me on Friday night since I was right there in the front row while her husband gave the 2nd talk of the evening.  How neat is that???  I had the thought to ask if we could take a selfie together, and then I quickly had the second thought that that would be pretty weird...so of course I just sat there and internally diaglogued with myself about asking her if she was really Mrs. Hahn....but then that of course would mean she would know that I knew who she was...and maybe she liked just sitting next to someone who she thought didn't know who she was....oh yeah.  Total awkwardness in my head, so I just sat there and pretended like I didn't know her from Adam.  In the end we had a brief conversation and she recommended two of her husband's books to me. ;)

In addition to hearing blogger Jennifer Fulwiler speak, I also met Tracy from A Slice of Smith Life, and saw my friend Tara from Blessings in Brelinskyville. 

But the conference was so encouraging and uplifting.  It is just great to be inspired by others who are so in love with Jesus and trying to live that life of faith daily. 

April starts our busy month!  I have my weekly HCG draw tomorrow (I'm expecting it to be about 15)....still trying to get it down to less than 5.  The end of the week brings both Caroline's First Birthday and Ian's 3rd Birthday....just cannot believe a year has gone by since Caroline joined our family!  It's too fast, and at the same time it seems she's been a part of our family forever.  And please send up a prayer for her...it seems we have turned a corner, but she has had a fever all weekend which has been very difficult to break even with motrin and Tylenol.  Thank you!  Anyway, then there is something every week, and the end of April brings Isabel's 8th Birthday, and then a week later her First Holy Communion!  What a beautiful time in our lives, just as spring is really starting to pop here in the Carolinas.