Is it possible to be in love with a baby from the moment you see a positive pregnancy test? I'm sure it is, but I wasn't. I was overwhelmingly grateful, but immediately nervous. I hesitated to tell anyone, even Rob. I thought, "if something goes wrong early on, at least I can spare him the pain." Of course, I realized by the end of that first day, that I couldn't not tell him. And for some reason I was surprised when he embraced the reality with a contagious and overwhelming joy! And within three days I was completely in love...already holding my new baby in my arms... at least in my heart and head.
And that's as close as I would get to Baby Number Five.
One week after learning we were expecting I started bleeding and cramping. I knew when my pregnancy test at 16 days past ovulation was nearly the same color as my test line from 11 days past ovulation, that things were not going well.
I had imagined keeping this pregnancy quiet from friends and family until I had assurance that we were "in the clear" regarding an ectopic pregnancy, early miscarriage and chromosomal abnormalities...but we didn't get that far. A very early pregnancy loss is something I had never experienced. But God has allowed me to experience this now as well.
And my mind has certainly wandered through this loss.
*Does God want me to experience ALL aspects of pregnancy loss??
*Maybe my suffering has particular importance in the salvation of souls or ministering to others?...that God continues to allow suffering again and again in this area of my life?
*God has taken four babies from me. Right now, I only have one more "baby" and that is my dear daughter, Isabel. If you know me, then you know that Isabel suffers from Failure to Thrive issues, and now back-to-back illnesses since starting preschool (I understand, not uncommon in preschool age, yet...) part of me thinks...does God wish to take my last and ONLY LIVE "baby" from me?
These thoughts are extreme, I know! Because I am having them! They are unbearable at times! Yet they are my thoughts and ponderings during this time. I can only be honest in my writing. And perhaps someone out there can relate.
For now I know that I can only trust in Jesus. Saint Faustina Kowalska and the message of Divine Mercy, "Jesus I Trust in You!" have been strong in my mind over the past week and I have been saying this repeatedly throughout the week. I don't have all or even any of the answers other than what I receive through prayer and some recent revelations from scripture which I hope to post about soon.
Sometimes I think maybe I am not as close to the Lord as I think and He is sending my babies to heaven as a very personal "communion of saints" to pray that I draw ever closer to His Sacred Heart. Maybe I am so far from the Lord that He has sent four of my very own to pray for me...
Lord, I never knew the pain of losing a baby at a mere 4 weeks and 3 days could be as painful as losing a baby at 7 weeks and 1 day, 9 weeks and 5 days or 21 weeks...but it is. I was already daydreaming of my baby in my arms and that "new baby smell".
Who would have ever imagined that Mary Grace would be a "big sister" in heaven?