"Is that a snake?" he asks.
When I start to realize what he is talking about, my mind recoils at the thought that this is a real live snake hiding up in the pergola....sure, we have seen a snake living up there before. But this snake's belly was fatter than my arm.
Oh. My. Gosh.
My mind tries to think of any other possibility of what this thing could be until I see it's scales. And each scale is the size of a fingernail. I am starting to think in expletives about now. But I tell my husband that it is definitely just a really big rat snake....I know, because I saw something on the internet about how they can get really, really big....in strange cases.
He asks if I think the previous owners let loose a giant python.
We start thinking about the movie Anaconda.
When I say "big", it was a big snake.
By now, we are sure it is a snake, so we do the only possible thing to do. We go inside and load as many guns as we can carry.
I'm thinking, "if a snake that big is up in the pergola...."
Fill in the blank: it could eat my kids.
does it have a mate hiding under the deck?
at some point, it was on the ground.
what if it had come into the garage?
that thing could probably constrict me!
what if a bullet doesn't kill it?
I wonder how far it can strike.
how are we going to get it down?
We are armed and he decides to poke it. It doesn't move.
"I think it's dead," he says.
"There is no way it is dead. It's just hanging out. That's what big snakes do."
He pokes it some more and it doesn't move...he notices that it's belly looks collapsed.
Finally we are fairly convinced that maybe we won't have to shoot it up, and that it is indeed a really large dead snake.
So he gets a ladder and climbs up with a gun at the ready, just in case....and starts to pull it out.
The skin comes apart in pieces.
That's when we realize that it is not in fact a black rat snake.
It's not a real snake at all. Dang previous owners must have thought it was funny to scare someone senseless with a really big blow-up snake.
We laughed about it. Mostly in relief. I sort of wanted to cry. I didn't even want to touch the fake snake.
Ugh. I hate it.