Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Stressing this week...

So I've been a wreck since Friday the 22nd.  I haven't meant to be, but after having an emotional meltdown in front of my parents, my mom embraced me in a hug and asked, "Are you worried about the big ultrasound next Friday?"

It wasn't until it was vocalized that I was able to acknowledge why I've been a grumpy, sobbing, snappy mess for the last several days.  I am completely anxious over our upcoming anatomy scan.   Usually I only break down a few days before a regular ultrasound, but considering this is "the big one" I should have known that this would be a rough week.

The anatomy ultrasound is the one in which we found out that things were terribly wrong with Mary Grace.  It was literally the ultrasound that changed our lives forever.  We went in with joy and excitement about simply finding out our baby's sex.  I had not a care in the world, and had not once considered that something could be wrong with her.  We left that appointment with the knowledge that our baby would probably not live.  So I guess that it is reasonable for me to be worried, anxious and nervous that this big ultrasound on Friday will not go well for our newest little addition currently growing in my womb.  I do have a bit of excitement over hopefully finding out the gender, but that is definitely overwhelmed by the fear that something will not be right.

I feel silly too, not having expected this sort of reaction from myself.  Afterall, for the last 2 months I've been rehearsing the first thing I will say to the ultrasound tech at this anatomy scan:  "I need you to tell us as soon as you see that something is wrong."  Yeah, not a very optimistic outlook, I know!  It's not that I'm truly expecting something to be wrong exactly...I think it's more of a way for me to prepare myself in case something isn't right. 

So after the meltdown in front of my parents (umm....very unusual for me, by the way) on Saturday, and chewing on this realization that I'm on pins and needles over this ultrasound, we went to Mass on Sunday.  The homily was on being open to the truth in your own life...and I had to accept that I'm not holding it together like I think that I am!  When we stood up to say the Creed, I noticed on the pew directly in front of me, a piece of paper with a saint intently looking down at a crucifix he was gently holding..."Wow", I thought, "that looks a whole lot like St. Gerard...wouldn't that be something if a St. Gerard (the patron saint of expecting mothers!!) card was sitting right in front of me?  It would be like a sign or something."

I stared closer and could see "Majella" printed on the end of the card....St. Gerard Majella....that would be him.  Convinced that this was a sign for me, I thought to myself, "okay, this lady in front of me is literally sitting with her purse on this card, so it has to be hers.  If she doesn't take it after Mass, it must really be meant for me."

Well, guess who left the card sitting directly in front of me???

I picked it up and took it home.



From the card: "Saint Gerard's dominant virtue - trust in God's providence" and "His favorite expression, 'God will provide'".

"Over two hundred years ago, the saint once remarked: 'If anyone unable to bear the sufferings which God has sent him, calls on me for help...or if I hear of such a one, I will pray that God give him the grace of conformity with His holy will.'"

It may be guaranteed to be a rough week for me emotionally, but as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus, like St. Gerard in the picture, and can place my trust in God's providence....He will provide for me no matter what happens at Friday's ultrasound.

And just to show you that my belly is in fact growing, here is a belly pic from this Sunday at 17 weeks.  Thanks for any prayers you could send my way this week!  I will update again on Friday!

16 comments:

Megan said...

Angela, I don't blame you one bit for being concerned about the u/s. I know I would be a mess. :( Good for you for getting your feelings out, and the story about the prayer card is AMAZING! God is holding you close during all of this. Praying that you get good news on Friday!

WheelbarrowRider said...

I am so sorry it has been a rough week for you, and definitely it is understandable. What a beautiful sign you received as a consolation though! You can count on my prayers! And great picture!

Amie said...

Angela, I think you fears are totally normal, even necessary. I am sending MANY prayers your way for the big ultrasound this week, not only for a healthy baby, but for YOU to find peace as well. You're lookin' good, Mama. Hang in there!

Meredith said...

hang in there girl, your feelings and emotions are totally normal. God is able to go before us and level all mountains! Looks like you're carrying a sweet little girl in there!! (my opinion obviously!)

Kerry said...

praying for you, count on it...

Karen said...

I think your fears are completely normal. I would be the same way. I'm terrified for our anatomy scan and I have never experienced the sadness and loss you have.

I will pray for you this week. I will pray for a healthy baby and peace for you.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

I would be a wreck. I am praying for you.

The prayer card incident is a beautiful consolation!!!

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

It's completely understandable why you would be so anxious and nervous about the 20 week anatomy scan. I will be praying that God provide you with peace in your heart until then, AND a perfectly normal ultrasound.
This is, as I've found, one of the toughest parts of my job. Sooo many expectant mothers come for their ultrasound (not just the 20 week, but the 12 week or the first trimester viability, etc.) thinking it is just going to be an opportunity for them to see their baby jump around... when in many cases, there is bad news to be given. And when they are not at all prepared for that... it is just so difficult. I'm not saying every pregnant woman should expect the worst all the time, but the element of complete and utter shock I think is so often THE worst part of the news, when it's bad.
I think St Gerard is making it clear that he has your back - may his prayers for you calm your heart.

Second Chances said...

Gosh, I can only imagine your anxiety. Praying for you to have peace in your heart and trust in Him.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

Cute bump, you look beautiful. I will pray for you that the ultrasound goes well!!

My Heart Exults... said...

If you needed a sign - you got it! Knowing that St. Gerard is praying for you has to bring you some peace!

emily anne said...

You look radiant! You look super slim and prego-licious! :) Praying for you this week especially...

Love you my dear friend!!

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

Love, love this story! I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. This is one of the things I am sure that I will be afraid of if I ever get pregnant again.

mrsblondies said...

I'll be praying that your scan goes well. It's definitely understandable that you are worried due to your history. I'm glad you found the St. Gerard card and have a bit of peace.

Sew said...

I can only imagine the nerves and anxiety....


Girl, how do you look so good every day! Oh what I would give! I would kill for your thyroid and adrenals! I'm totally have thyroid and adrenal envy right now! hahahaha

Anonymous said...

Hi Angela - We'll be praying that your baby is healthy and active for your scan on Friday. We also have our anomoly scan this Friday morning and I'm a bit nervous. Although I haven't been what you've been through, I still get nervous about these things. :) Very cool story about finding the St. Gerard card at Mass. Amazing how He speaks to us, isn't it?! :)

Take care and look forward to hearing about your scan.

-Jaime Carter