So I've been a wreck since Friday the 22nd. I haven't meant to be, but after having an emotional meltdown in front of my parents, my mom embraced me in a hug and asked, "Are you worried about the big ultrasound next Friday?"
It wasn't until it was vocalized that I was able to acknowledge why I've been a grumpy, sobbing, snappy mess for the last several days. I am completely anxious over our upcoming anatomy scan. Usually I only break down a few days before a regular ultrasound, but considering this is "the big one" I should have known that this would be a rough week.
The anatomy ultrasound is the one in which we found out that things were terribly wrong with Mary Grace. It was literally the ultrasound that changed our lives forever. We went in with joy and excitement about simply finding out our baby's sex. I had not a care in the world, and had not once considered that something could be wrong with her. We left that appointment with the knowledge that our baby would probably not live. So I guess that it is reasonable for me to be worried, anxious and nervous that this big ultrasound on Friday will not go well for our newest little addition currently growing in my womb. I do have a bit of excitement over hopefully finding out the gender, but that is definitely overwhelmed by the fear that something will not be right.
I feel silly too, not having expected this sort of reaction from myself. Afterall, for the last 2 months I've been rehearsing the first thing I will say to the ultrasound tech at this anatomy scan: "I need you to tell us as soon as you see that something is wrong." Yeah, not a very optimistic outlook, I know! It's not that I'm truly expecting something to be wrong exactly...I think it's more of a way for me to prepare myself in case something isn't right.
So after the meltdown in front of my parents (umm....very unusual for me, by the way) on Saturday, and chewing on this realization that I'm on pins and needles over this ultrasound, we went to Mass on Sunday. The homily was on being open to the truth in your own life...and I had to accept that I'm not holding it together like I think that I am! When we stood up to say the Creed, I noticed on the pew directly in front of me, a piece of paper with a saint intently looking down at a crucifix he was gently holding..."Wow", I thought, "that looks a whole lot like St. Gerard...wouldn't that be something if a St. Gerard (the patron saint of expecting mothers!!) card was sitting right in front of me? It would be like a sign or something."
I stared closer and could see "Majella" printed on the end of the card....St. Gerard Majella....that would be him. Convinced that this was a sign for me, I thought to myself, "okay, this lady in front of me is literally sitting with her purse on this card, so it has to be hers. If she doesn't take it after Mass, it must really be meant for me."
Well, guess who left the card sitting directly in front of me???
I picked it up and took it home.
From the card: "Saint Gerard's dominant virtue - trust in God's providence" and "His favorite expression, 'God will provide'".
"Over two hundred years ago, the saint once remarked: 'If anyone unable to bear the sufferings which God has sent him, calls on me for help...or if I hear of such a one, I will pray that God give him the grace of conformity with His holy will.'"
It may be guaranteed to be a rough week for me emotionally, but as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus, like St. Gerard in the picture, and can place my trust in God's providence....He will provide for me no matter what happens at Friday's ultrasound.
And just to show you that my belly is in fact growing, here is a belly pic from this Sunday at 17 weeks. Thanks for any prayers you could send my way this week! I will update again on Friday!