Thursday, June 10, 2010

Life doesn't stop....and I am not in control!

There are some days like today when I give in to the self-pity.  When I let myself pause just long enough in remembering my time with Mary Grace that the grief floods back in.

It rarely happens now.  But it happened today.

As time continues to go by, it has become easier to acknowledge that other people are going to continue to get pregnant around me.  Life doesn't end just because my baby didn't make it.  People don't just stop getting pregnant simply because (for a reason only God knows right now) I can't.

And while I'm happy for all of the pregnant women out there, particularly for those who have suffered through pregnancy losses and/or infertility issues, every now and then that sense of loss and hopelessness sweeps in and covers over me. 

When my heart gets filled to the breaking point with this pain, Jesus is there.

Jesus has always been there.

He is waiting to cradle me in His arms, like the baby I long to cradle in mine.

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I know God is up there shaking His head at me.  I made this doctor's appointment thinking I would be 3 days past ovulation (since she told me to come in as close to O as I could)....

Guess what happened yesterday?  Oh yeah, as of right now it looks like I ovulated....YESTERDAY!  I full 3 days ahead of schedule, making me 6dpo on the day of my appointment!  That is almost halfway through my two week wait!  (Since this will be my first appointment, I'm not sure how big of a deal being off by 3 days will make as far as how much information the doctor will be able to attain.)  And I'm not really sure why God has planned it this way, other than to try to show me that He is yet again in charge of everything which I believe I am in control of!

Is this some strange lesson that I just have to keep relearning??  Or maybe I've never learned it after everything that's happened?  Is that possible that I haven't learned that I'm not in control of my fertility???

And there is that image again of Jesus calling me to Him...waiting to hold me.

If I can just...surrender the "control".


Photo: David Bowman’s painting titled Security

6 comments:

doctorgianna said...

Don't worry about the timing of the appointment in regards to ovulation. She probably said close to ovulation so she could do post-peak blood work. But if you're close to the beginning of another cycle, that might even be better because, if needed, she could do the whole blood panel next cycle (including the pre-ovulatory stuff). Praying that your appointment goes well!

Michelle said...

Oh, I empathize with you on this one! It is so hard. And the grief never fully goes away. But leaning on Jesus is the most important thing, as you already know. Beautiful post.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I have to keep re-learning too, but for me it's patience. God's proven countless times that if I am patient and wait for His will to unfold, great things happen! But still time I after time I say, hurry up and unfold already! Sometimes it seems sort of comical in my head--me going, "Hurry up and send me a baby already!" and God going, "Hurry up and learn patience already!!" :-)

Leila said...

Oh, my heart breaks for you in remembering your dear Mary Grace. The pain is so great because the gift was so good. God bless you and comfort you!

Anonymous said...

How did your appointment go?

Ann G. said...

Angela,
Was wondering how you were doing since we haven't heard from you in awhile. Did you have your appointment with the NaPro doctor?
You came to my mind during Mass this morning. I prayed for your family and your husband on this Father's Day.