It rarely happens now. But it happened today.
As time continues to go by, it has become easier to acknowledge that other people are going to continue to get pregnant around me. Life doesn't end just because my baby didn't make it. People don't just stop getting pregnant simply because (for a reason only God knows right now) I can't.
And while I'm happy for all of the pregnant women out there, particularly for those who have suffered through pregnancy losses and/or infertility issues, every now and then that sense of loss and hopelessness sweeps in and covers over me.
When my heart gets filled to the breaking point with this pain, Jesus is there.
Jesus has always been there.
He is waiting to cradle me in His arms, like the baby I long to cradle in mine.
I know God is up there shaking His head at me. I made this doctor's appointment thinking I would be 3 days past ovulation (since she told me to come in as close to O as I could)....
Guess what happened yesterday? Oh yeah, as of right now it looks like I ovulated....YESTERDAY! I full 3 days ahead of schedule, making me 6dpo on the day of my appointment! That is almost halfway through my two week wait! (Since this will be my first appointment, I'm not sure how big of a deal being off by 3 days will make as far as how much information the doctor will be able to attain.) And I'm not really sure why God has planned it this way, other than to try to show me that He is yet again in charge of everything which I believe I am in control of!
Is this some strange lesson that I just have to keep relearning?? Or maybe I've never learned it after everything that's happened? Is that possible that I haven't learned that I'm not in control of my fertility???
And there is that image again of Jesus calling me to Him...waiting to hold me.
If I can just...surrender the "control".
Photo: David Bowman’s painting titled Security