Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Don't judge a book...

Last night I watched a show that I had DVRed.  I am a sucker for the pregnancy shows.

Why?  I don't know...I guess to torture myself.  ;)  There is something comforting about watching someone else be able to cuddle and coo over their newborn baby,...that's the way it's supposed to be.  Those newborn moments are so sweet and tender, even if it is a little depressing for me.

So I was watching Par.alyzed and Preg.nant with Tw.ins

And I had taped it thinking...."great, what is this lady thinking getting pregnant with twins?  How is she going to take care of them?  How come she can have twins and I can't even get pregnant at all?"...and on and on in my head.

But within the first 12 minutes of the show, I was crying with their family, and crying in shame over the way I had judged them.

Their 4 month old son had been killed in the car accident that ended up paralyzing the mother.

Oh I still feel horror at how I was criticizing this family in my heart and head....and look what they had been through.   The worst grief imaginable:  losing a child.

And as I continued to watch the show, I grew to love this family and admire them (yes, even in the one hour that it was)...and not because I felt sorry for them.  Certainly after learning about their situation my heart was full of sorrow and the shared pain of losing a baby...but their attitude was so inspiring...

Although I am certainly not in a wheelchair and cannot understand or connect to what that must be like, I did connect to the mother's desire to have another baby...not to replace the one that she lost, but a new creation to love and care for.

By the end of the show, I felt like we were not as different as I had originally imagined us to be. 

God help me in those moments before I have a critical thought, that I might remember to try to have insight into another person's situation.  Holy Spirit, guide my heart that my first thoughts might be of compassion and love and not jealousy, annoyance or arrogance!  Lord for all that I've been through please don't let me forget my own suffering; remind me of my cross daily that I might not grow cold-hearted or inattentive to the needs of others who are suffering.  Jesus, remind me of Your own cross, that I might not take it for granted.  I can only do these things through You, Lord.


WheelbarrowRider said...

I am addicted to shows like that as well. I definitely have been in the same position, quick to judge and quick to regret. I am always ashamed at my actions.
It is funny how you can love a stranger in less than hour, but I have so been there!

Leila said...

Oh my goodness. What heartache and inspiration! Beautiful post.

Tiffany said...

Hi Angela~ It is so nice to meet you and thank you for stopping by my blog. I am so sorry about your Mary Grace and your other precious sweeties in heaven. You have been on quite a journey. I have a dear freind who lost her baby Grace in utero last September, much like your Mary Grace. I will be recommending your blog to her! I pray that your writing will be an outlet for healing and peace...It's a beautiful gift. Our prayers of love and hope are with you and your dear family! God Bless you and Mother Mary hold you close. "Suffering is the very best gift He has to give us. He gives it only to His chosen friends." ~St. Therese of Lisieux~

Amie said...

Angela, I love your posts and how you always find a way to see the positive in the situations you find yourself in. I know in my heart that you WILL hold another newborn-the way its supposed to be.

Still stalking you, on and off TWW!

Hugs, Amie (mommyto3+1)

Kim C. said...

Hi, I saw you had visited my blog and was immediately drawn to yours. My daughter, Mary Grace Covert, was born sleeping on September 26, 2009. I will pray for you and follow your journey. May you continue on with all the faith I have read in these posts. Thanks for finding me!


Ann G. said...

One of the great gifts I received from having my two children born into heaven was a compassion for those who had also lost babies. Before this happened to me I had a sincere but vague feeling of sympathy for couples who experienced miscarriage or infertility. Now God has given me empathy and love for others in these circumstances. Wow! Looking back, I had never really seen the heartache that a mother went through after she lost her babe or tried to conceive. By my own heartaches, God opened my eyes and heart to the pain of others and has even generously given me the opportunity, on occasion, to help or encourage a mother as she experiences these same heartaches.
Angela, that's why you were so quick to feel that mother's pain. It's a gift from God.

MeghanT said...

Hi Angela,
I too am addicted to pregnancy shows and wonder why I torture myself. But you are right, they can also be a comfort and a reminder that we are not alone.
I want you to know that you are a blessing and inspiration to me. I have not gone through infertility as you have, but I am facing challenges in my own life. God has a plan for each of us and a path for us to follow. You are so strong and this journey is making you stronger.
I have been reading your posts from time to time, and each time I see the grace God has given you to face heartache and pain. Each step you take is in His hands and He will guide you to where you need to be. This journey is hard but look at the lives you have touched.
I am honored to have called you my friend. Thank you so much for sharing this journey of your life with the rest of us. God has promised to give us the desires of our heart when our heart is in His will. Keep your eyes on Him and treasure the child you now have in your arms (as I know you do). Keep the faith and hope. I am praying for you and your family. I hope with you for something that will work and give you that child of your heart.
All of God's blessings,
Meghan (Drabicki) T.

Angela said...

Thank you so much, friends for your kind words! I feel so blessed to have such hope-filled prayers headed to heaven for me! :) It is such a gift to be able to get such insight from your comments! I feel like I grow every time I read one! Thank you! :)