HCG continues to drop!

Good news over here.... HCG has gone from 4 to 3 to 2 and now to 1.  I'm hoping on Monday it will be a zero.  Then 3 consecutive zeros and then monthly checks for 3 months.  The nurse called this week to say that we would definitely cancel the referral to the oncologist. 

No Oncology Visit! Praise God!

Because of the holiday on Monday, I had my blood drawn Tuesday.  So Wednesday morning I was waiting with baited breath for a phone call around 7:30am.  My OBGYN nurse always calls at this time, so I knew that if I got a phone call around this time then all would be well.  If not, that meant the doctor would be giving me a call later and that would not be great news.

Luckily at 7:34am, the phone rang and the nurse said that my HCG level had gone down 1 from 4 to 3!  This was excellent news to me.  But again, they want it at zero.

She then told me that my doctor said I could do an optional referral to a gynecological oncologist for a second opinion due to the "slow decline" in HCG levels.  I had read somewhere that if after a molar pregnancy, your HCG is down to negative within 7 weeks, then you have a shorter wait time before they release you to try to conceive again, more than 7 weeks is apparently concerning to the doctors.  Well, this week will be 16 weeks for me.  So that has definitely been discouraging that everything is going so slowly.

But why focus on that?  The good news is that my levels went down and I don't have to do an oncology consult.  Praise God!

Partial Molar Pregnancy Update and addition to the farm.

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted and basically it has just been a long and slow road to get my HCG level to drop. 

Here is my recap:  doctors want my HCG level to be negative (which I was thinking was <5 6th="" are="" at="" checks:="" february="" here="" monday="" my="" nbsp="" numbers="" p="" since="" weekly="">
600,000+
1351
317
135
70
42
27
19
17
12
10
8
6
4
Latest test = 4

Well once we hit "4", I thought we were in the clear and I would be tested for 2 more weeks for a total of "3 weeks in the negative zone".  However, my OBGYN called tonight to tell me that this previous Monday's test was also a "4".  So for 2 weeks in a row, my HCG level has been 4.  He wants it at 0.  Literally zero.  He said he consulted with an oncologist and he is a little concerned about how slowly my levels have dropped and now that they are static at 4.

So next week if it doesn't drop, he is referring me to an oncologist for a second opinion. 

I have had one completely normal cycle with ovulation and all....and then the next cycle was a bit strange.  I bled for 14 days straight....started bleeding on cycle day 22 and then I think my actual period started on CD 30 and lasted for 6 days plus 1 day of spotting.  So that was definitely odd, but hopefully it is just my cycle trying to get back on track and not something worse.

To tell you the truth, I just feel back to my normal self!  And since we are not expecting a baby in August we decided to just focus on getting my health all back to normal and.....getting dairy goats. 

Yes, dairy goats.  So we've been dreaming of having dairy goats (just 2) to milk for our family and make cheese and, well the neighbors made this wonderful oatmeal lavender soap that I've fallen in love with, so goat milk soap too....and we needed to fence in an acre of our property with some serious fencing, because goats are really good at escaping apparently.  So we have just thrown ourselves into getting this fence up and researching goats (because neither of us have any caprine experience)...

cap·rine /ˈkæpraɪn, -rɪn/ Show Spelled

adjective

of or pertaining to goats.

 

So between the fence and the garden (tomatoes, kale, zucchini, potatoes, squash, watermelon, cantaloupe, carrots, peppers, sweet peas, pole beans and corn, currently), and sending Rob out to a dairy farm to check out some milkers....we've been pretty busy, but it's been a really good busy.  Good, productive, healthy busy.

 

So listen, you can definitely say a little prayer for me about the whole HCG drop/oncology thing.  I'm not really worried about it, but I can ALWAYS use prayer.

 

Thanks for reading along :)

My Kids' Cakes

So before I had kids I had never really tried to make a fancy cake.  I didn't really make much of any cakes to tell you the truth, but somehow once the birthdays started, I would find an idea for a cake and just go for it.    

                                                In the beginning, there was just a regular cake.

Isabel's First Birthday.

 

She wasn't too impressed as you can tell ;)

Her birthday celebration also coincided with nap time.  Rookie  parent mistake!

 

Second Birthday cake was also unimpressive....she had growing issues and was on a gluten-free diet at the time, so she had her own mini cake.

 

Third Birthday cake!  My first try at fondant.  I made my own and for my first attempt at making a "cute" cake, I thought it was fantastic!

 

It was a bug themed party.

 

Fourth Birthday she was really into Hello Kitty.  I loved this cake too!  So much fun!

 

Then we had her 5th Birthday and I had just had Ian....so she got this cake.

All I can say is that with a new baby, she's lucky she got a homemade cake.  Her favorite color is purple, so that was impressive to her ;)

 

Ian's 1st Birthday was right around Easter, so this was an obvious choice!  I thought this cake also turned out great!  The only thing that could have made it better is if I could have devised a basket handle.

 

For Isabel's 6th Birthday we had a party at a park.  We invited friends and every single one of them came.  I couldn't believe it!   So I had to make a big cake to feed a lot of people.  I thought a giant "I" for "Isabel" would be fairly easy and get the job done.

Ian's 2nd Birthday I was in the hospital delivering Caroline.  (Remember, their birthdays are one day apart?)  So there is no cake. 

 

 

Isabel's 7th Birthday at the end of the same month got a store-bought cake.  3 kids and one of them a newborn?  Could not handle making a cake!

 

But this year with the baby turning 1, Ian turning 3 and Isabel about to be 8, I had a lot of help and had the time to be able to make a cake again.

 

Caroline's cake turned out floppy.  No literally.  I took the cake layers and put them in the freezer and they froze on an uneven surface leaving me with a lumpy cake.  It was ridiculous.  I hesitate to put it on here, but I mean all the other cakes are here and it IS her first birthday cake, so here ya go.

 

 

So it was a double layer vanilla cake.  Isabel helped make little roses and she decorated the top with one of those edible markers....lumpy cake with some cracking fondant, hahahah..... who will remember those details other than me? ;)

 

Cake not so cute....but Caroline on her birthday?  Ummm....I'll take a second serving of her!  She was a doll.

 

And she loved her cake. 

 

I mean really loved it.  She was covered and smothered by the end.

And then, there was Ian's 3rd Birthday cake.

I searched pinterest for train cakes and came up with a lot of great ideas.  And basically just convinced myself I could do this ;)  And then I did.

 

 

It was really beautiful.  I had to set my ego aside because as soon as Isabel saw that fondant was really just edible modeling clay, she could not resist helping.  She is sooooo into making little figures with modeling clay; she just had a blast helping with the cake.

 

 

So it's a three layer cake.  2 chocolate layers and vanilla in the middle from scratch.  Buttercream icing from scratch, and marshmallow fondant.  Now the recipe said to use high quality marshmallows, but I cheated and used the store brand.  I saved a small bit of the buttercream to puff out the clouds.  It was stinkin' adorable. 

 

 

It tasted alright too. ;)

 

 

 

 

Ignited by Truth 2014

So I got a chance to attend this really wonderful conference again this year, this time with my wonderful husband.  Ignited by Truth is an annual conference that seeks to bring to light the teachings of the Catholic Church and ignite in the hearts of the attendees a love of their faith.  Here is a little bit of background on IBT:  http://www.ignitedbytruth.com/images/IBT_Rationale.pdf

I was so excited about the conference for a few reasons....the first is that I hadn't been since 2009 when we were in the very midst of finding out about Mary Grace.  The second is that it had an amazing list of speakers including Dr. Patrick Fagan, Dr. Scott Hahn, Kimberly Hahn and Jennifer Fulwiler, among others. 

Personally, I could have listened to Jennifer Fulwiler and both the Hahns give talks for days!!  They were such captivating and engaging speakers. 

The third reason I was excited about IBT is that I got to attend with my husband!  We were originally planning on just going together for a "date night" on the free Friday evening part of the conference, but God worked it out that Rob was able to attend all day Saturday with me as well!  As an aside, it is funny how far we have come with date nights!  I remember, pre-children when date nights consisted of meeting friends at the pool hall and having a ridiculous number of drinks and then feeling miserable the next morning when it was time to head into work.  That didn't last long once children entered our world, and now I'd have to say that I enjoyed this date night to hear these speakers talk about their faith in God with such joy and love far more than some of the crazy nights out we had a decade ago.  Ahhhh how time changes things ;)

There were 50 people at any given time in line for confession during the 2nd half of Saturday.  It was just beautiful to see so many people living their faith, excited about loving Jesus, and appreciating the fullness of truth that we have as a Catholic community.

I do have to say that I felt a little bit guilty.  Attending IBT this year was very different than attending in 2009.  I knew many people there this year!  Whereas in 2009, even though we had been in the Raleigh area for almost 6 years, I recognized no one that I knew at the conference.  But this year, we have become so entwined with the homeschooling community....and guess what?  They were all there.  And they were all volunteers!  And that is where my guilt comes in, because other than praying for the conference, I did not volunteer this  year!  My other bit of guilt came from getting to sit in the very front row on Friday night and in the second row on Saturday....I mean, the seats were empty, it just seemed like it was too good to be true to get a seat in the second row of 2000 people just 10 minutes before the conference began!

And my really exciting news was that Kimberly Hahn came and sat down next to me on Friday night since I was right there in the front row while her husband gave the 2nd talk of the evening.  How neat is that???  I had the thought to ask if we could take a selfie together, and then I quickly had the second thought that that would be pretty weird...so of course I just sat there and internally diaglogued with myself about asking her if she was really Mrs. Hahn....but then that of course would mean she would know that I knew who she was...and maybe she liked just sitting next to someone who she thought didn't know who she was....oh yeah.  Total awkwardness in my head, so I just sat there and pretended like I didn't know her from Adam.  In the end we had a brief conversation and she recommended two of her husband's books to me. ;)

In addition to hearing blogger Jennifer Fulwiler speak, I also met Tracy from A Slice of Smith Life, and saw my friend Tara from Blessings in Brelinskyville. 

But the conference was so encouraging and uplifting.  It is just great to be inspired by others who are so in love with Jesus and trying to live that life of faith daily. 

April starts our busy month!  I have my weekly HCG draw tomorrow (I'm expecting it to be about 15)....still trying to get it down to less than 5.  The end of the week brings both Caroline's First Birthday and Ian's 3rd Birthday....just cannot believe a year has gone by since Caroline joined our family!  It's too fast, and at the same time it seems she's been a part of our family forever.  And please send up a prayer for her...it seems we have turned a corner, but she has had a fever all weekend which has been very difficult to break even with motrin and Tylenol.  Thank you!  Anyway, then there is something every week, and the end of April brings Isabel's 8th Birthday, and then a week later her First Holy Communion!  What a beautiful time in our lives, just as spring is really starting to pop here in the Carolinas.

Birth Control After Baby?

We use Natural Family Planning during the times that we need to abstain from having a baby.  I have talked about why we use the Sympto-Thermal Method in this post from way back in the day.  Once we understood what our church taught about God's design and purpose for the sexual union within the context of marriage, it made perfect sense to us and we have been happy to use NFP.

So it came as a huge shock to myself (and to Rob) when I started questioning whether we should use birth control after Francis Marie.  I was at the hospital and I had already read up on molar and partial molar pregnancies and knew that the doctors would recommend a long wait before we could try to conceive again.  This is because the doctors monitor HCG levels after you have a molar pregnancy and if they start to rise or stop declining, it is because the tissue is re-growing and you are at risk of a type of cancer called choriocarcinoma.  If you get pregnant while they are monitoring your HCG levels, your levels will also rise due to the pregnancy, so the problem is that they do not know if your HCG levels are rising because of cancer or because of a new pregnancy.  Choriocarcinoma from what I understand is a quick-growing cancer, so if I were to become pregnant it would not be so great to have to "wait around to see if this is a new pregnancy". 

The one doctor (the one who I feel was concerned for my health, but was pushing for me to have a D&C early on) came in to talk to me right before my D&C to let me know that I would need to be on some form of birth control and that she could easily place a nuva ring or something else (my mind started spinning trying to think of what I would say to her) after she did the D&C.  The only thing I could sputter out of my mouth was, "No, no nuva ring...I would rather do pills."  Thinking full well at that moment that this was not what I would do either....I would simply go back to NFP as we had always done. 

But after that conversation, I just felt like there was so much pressure not to get pregnant.  Every doctor was reiterating the seriousness of not getting pregnant.  I started doubting myself, doubting NFP, doubting whether God really understands the seriousness of our situation.

I took all this to confession the following weekend, and the priest so simply said, "You know what the church teaches, you must do this.  And you need the support of your husband."  Luckily, I already had my husband's full support with NFP.  And when I came out of confession it was totally clear that of course I couldn't use birth control...not even along with NFP.   It was just such a strange situation that I had had this time of doubting whether NFP would really be effective enough, and of doubting whether I could stand up to the pressure of the doctors who want me to use birth control.  I remember the priest in confession said point blank...."It is your body.  Not the doctors'."   Yeah, it is.  They can't tell me what to do.  They can make recommendations and counsel me on my health choices...that's it.

So I came out of confession with this renewed trust in God's design.  In fact, it seemed absolutely ludicrous and unthinkable to me that I had had that period of doubting.....how could I doubt using something to which I had already been committed (using NFP)?  How could I have fought hard in the hospital for my values, for what was right, for the dignity and sacredness of life and then turn around and reject my values and use contraception?  It was like I had been overcome by this massive fog and everything became cloudy....lines became gray and blurred.  And then after confession the fog just cleared and I realized what was true and right again.

Then I got this confirmation from the 2/16 Laudate app's reflection on the Mass readings....here are some of the excerpts:

"Jesus teaches that righteousness involves responding to every situation in life in a way that fulfill's God's law, not just externally but internally as well."

"Jesus sets the high ideal of the married state before those who are willing to accept his commands. Jesus gives the grace and power of his Holy Spirit to those who seek to follow his way of holiness in their state of life – whether married or single."

"Reverence and respect for God’s commandments teach us the way of love – love of God and love of neighbor. What is impossible to men and women is possible to God and those who have faith in God."

Doctors think that NFP is impossible.  Not good enough.

 It is possible with God's help.

I say all this not to open up a debate on birth control, but just to mesh out all the back and forth feelings I was having....to recognize that spiritual fog can roll in when you are least expecting it, and that sacramental grace can give you renewed clarity.  That God does pour out consolations and confirmations of His plans for you and for me. 

An update on me, since the partial molar pregnancy.

Well physically I am doing great.  The first day or two after being released from the hospital I felt pretty terrible:  exhausted, still shaky, racing heart, etc.  But every day for the next week, I felt my strength coming back and was feeling better and better (probably thanks to the iron pills!).  The 2nd week I started feeling tired again, but after my thyroid levels came back at a normal level I started to feel much better (maybe it was psychological?).

My HCG levels have been falling quickly! 

Upon admission to the hospital HCG was 650,000+
Upon discharge HCG was 150,000+
10 days later HCG = 1,351
1 week after that HCG = 317
*edited to add* 1 week after that HCG = 135
                          1 week after that HCG = 70
                          1 week after that HCG = 42
                          1 week after that HCG = 27
                          1 week after that HCG = 19



I have to continue to have my HCG checked weekly until it has reached a negative level (depends on the doctor, this can be <5 3="" a="" and="" at="" check="" checks="" consecutive="" continue="" for="" has="" it="" level="" monthly.="" nbsp="" negative="" or="" p="" then="" they="" to="" weekly="" will="">
Tomorrow is already 3 weeks since losing the baby.  And the day after tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary of losing Mary Grace.  It's just so surreal.  I would have never thought after losing 4 babies back to back and then having 2 more healthy children that we would have lost another.  Of course it makes me think what the future might bring.  I'm not getting any younger, but I do turn 34 this year and then of course the next year I become....duh duh duh....."of advanced maternal age".  Normally that wouldn't really phase me except that I kind of tend to already have complicated pregnancies.

Emotionally, this loss has been very different for me.  This time I just haven't really been releasing many emotions until they just can no longer be contained and I explode.  After the explosion with Ian which I wrote about last time, I went to confession and really made a resolution to control myself better....or at least try to be conscious of the times when I am getting upset, so that I can decompress before it gets to a nuclear level!  And for the most part I thought I had been doing a pretty good job.  But Isabel has been expressing some concerns, so I need to do better.  I see weekly confession in my future for awhile just to help me to stay on track!  I need that sacramental grace!!!

Emotionally, so far it has also been easier to have a lot of pregnant women around me (aside for that first HCG check at my doctor's office).  I have 5 good friends who are currently expecting babies this spring and summer!!  And thankfully by God's grace He is really helping to spare me from feelings of jealousy that I have had in the past after a loss.

So we are doing pretty good overall.  Spring and summer are obviously very busy for us with the garden, and that has already started to serve as a good distraction and even a way to heal.  Yesterday Isabel and I started our indoor seeds of peppers (hot and sweet), onions, basil and tomatoes (4 different varieties).  Those little seedlings are a fun project ...watching them sprout and grow, tending to them with water and light...setting them outside to harden them off to the elements when they get big enough. 

Hmmm....kind of like raising a garden of children!