A Letter to Mary Grace

Robert and I decided to enclose some special items in her coffin when we buried Mary Grace. We wrote letters to her and sealed them in an envelope which we put in her coffin, along with a little white lamb named "Winky". Isabel went with us to choose a little lamb in the week after Mary Grace's delivery, and we purchased one for her as well which she sleeps with. Both sisters sleep with the same little white lamb.

The following is my letter to Mary Grace. It is brutally honest and I am sharing it so that you can feel the honest and deep love which I have for my daughter.

letter to Mary Grace
3-3-09

My dear Mary Grace,

Oh how your Mommy and Daddy loved you, even before we felt your first kick. You were so anticipated and so greatly desired! Your big sister Isabel never got to hold you, but she talks about you all the time and we prayed so hard together for your "complete healing". Well now you are completely healed and with Jesus. I'm sure heaven must be more beautiful than we can even imagine. Mommy is going to spend the rest of my life as close to Jesus as I can be so that I can join you one day and hold you when I get to heaven. I know you are not in any pain. You will never have to shed a tear or hurt here on earth; I know our Blessed Mother is taking good care of you and cradling you in her arms. You will get to take walks with Jesus and your two other siblings are there to love you.

As hard as it is to accept that not being with your Mommy, Daddy and big sister Isabel is the best thing for you, I believe that God's plan must be so beautiful and so big and I'm so blessed that He was able to use your life for His purpose. You were the tiniest tool which the Master used to craft some giant plans.

I want you to know that I was a little scared to see you when you were delivered. I didn't know what a little 21 week baby would look like; I didn't know if I'd be strong enough to accept what I'd see: to accept that I was holding my tiny baby's body whose soul had already gone to Jesus. But you have to know that when the doctor brought you over and set you in my lap, you were absolutely beyond beautiful, and you were so perfect to me and Daddy. We were in utter awe of how perfectly you had been crafted by God. You were the most gorgeous and amazing thing I have ever seen and I was overwhelmed by God's work when He made you.
I love you so much I think my heart is breaking.

Mary Grace, now that you are in heaven and you are right there in the very grace of God, I need you to pray for us. Pray for Mommy and Daddy and Isabel that God will give us extra strength to move through our grief. Pray that God will bring Mommy and Daddy closer and closer together and strengthen our marriage through this. Pray that God will give us the right words when we are talking to Isabel about you. Pray that we will move our lives so very close, to the very heart of Jesus' heart and that we may remain there, bathed in His loving care. Pray that Jesus will bless us with more children; that Isabel will have siblings here on earth. Pray for our family and friends that they are brought closer to God by the example you were for others. Please tell God "thank you" for allowing us to take care of you for those 21 weeks you were growing inside of me.

I love you, Mary Grace. You will always and forever be my daughter and a special part of our family. I loved every moment that I carried you and I will forever love being your Mommy.

I love you my sweet, tiny baby.

love,
Mommy

Life goes on without her.

Today was a rotten day.

It's been three months since we buried Mary Grace and I'm just getting reminders left and right that I don't have my baby and that life goes on without her.

People plan birthday parties and baby showers and anniversary dinners...and I am still aching from the loss of Mary Grace. I'm supposed to be well over it all by now according to most people.

But today the pain is very real that I don't have my baby and that life goes on without her.

I found out today that our neighbor is pregnant...due in August. Oh that's nice, we could have had babies a month apart...except that I don't have my baby and life still goes on without her.

I went to the dentist last week and my hygienist was 39 weeks pregnant. Lovely. I should've been nearly that pregnant now...

I don't want to put on a happy face and go smile and chat at parties. I want to curl up in my bed and cry. Isn't that part of the grief cycle?

Sorry there are no cheery words today or inspirational thoughts.

Just a sad Mommy who misses her little girl. Life goes on without her whether I want it to or not...but I think it's at least my right to take a day here and there to grieve that fact.

3 months. Blessings and answered prayers.

Thursday marked another month passed since Mary Grace was delivered. It also marked a day of God's blessings and answered prayers.

The first blessing was the discovery of this blooming rose. It is from one of the two rose bushes we received in honor of Mary Grace after her death from our friends at Catholic Engaged Encounter.

When we received these two bushes they were in full bloom. Since those initial blooms died and fell off, we've been waiting for a new bud to open...



and it finally did, on Thursday.

The second gift came in the form of an answered prayer. We have been struggling with our insurance company who did not want to pay for Mary Grace's delivery and a few specialty procedures because they had not been pre-approved. So for the last three months we have received multiple bills from my OBGYN office, REX Hospital and UNC Women's Specialty Clinic for these services...and Rob has spent much time on the phone with BCBS to get an application in for an appeal and we have been waiting to see if the appeal would be approved or denied. It's been very stressful to receive bills stamped "past due" even after speaking with these offices multiple times over the phone to explain we were in an "appeals process". But yesterday, the appeal was approved which means that our insurance will indeed cover the portion of these bills which we originally expected them to. What a financial and emotional weight lifted! Thank you God! Mary Grace must be praying extra hard for us up in heaven.

On being pro-life.

Some people may wonder why a mother might choose to continue to carry a child who is given a fatal diagnosis in utero. When the doctors tell you that your baby will die as a result of her condition, and that you have the "choice" to terminate the pregnancy, why would you allow the pregnancy to continue?

I would begin by saying that it has to do with valuing life from the moment of conception to natural death. That is, respecting a person, valuing the life he or she is given (even if it is brief), hoping for a miracle cure in some cases, and in all of this, following God's law and will. It requires an openness to life (even in the face of death), trust in God, and living out God's Truth.

As I sit back and think about carrying Mary Grace until her natural death, all the while I was hoping that God would provide us with a miracle cure and that we would bring our baby home safe and healthy...alive. And thinking about how it all played out, I don't have my baby here; things didn't turn out how I had hoped. But I know that we made the right decision in continuing to carry her. Aborting our baby was never an option in our mind. Even aborting a baby who we knew would not make it. We take great peace and joy in knowing for a fact that the decision we made to carry her was the right one. Not the right one "for me", but the right moral decision. Period.

There are so many uncertainties in life. How do I know what is God's will? Even praying and delving into God's word sometimes leaves you unsure about what God's plan is for your life (in a day to day sort of way; surely God's plan is for you to love and know Him and join Him in heaven one day). But I have two decisions that I have made which I am 100% certain are God's will.

The first was choosing life for Mary Grace and carrying her until God chose to take her to heaven.

The second is mine and Robert's decision to use Natural Family Planning. Natural Family Planning is an effective, natural and moral way of spacing your children. It works both to postpone pregnancy and when trying to achieve pregnancy. It is morally acceptable, not in it's naturalness, but because it allows God to participate in every marital act and because it respects the dignity of your spouse.

When you get married, you are committing yourself to the highest level of intimacy with your spouse. And in the marital union, you are giving all of your self; your whole person to your spouse. Contraception is morally wrong in that it excludes God and His plan for fruitfulness from the marital act. When a person is contracepting, they are telling their spouse, "I want to give you all that I am...except for my fertility...except for the possibility of creating new life with you. And I want to have all of you, except for that which God has made us as his creation to do- help create new life." The marital union is for bonding as well as for creation...and we are co-creators with God in that act. Contraception intentionally thwarts God's part in our martial union, as well as treats our spouse with less respect in not receiving the whole person. With Natural Family Planning, every marital act is open both physically and emotionally to the possibility of creating new life. Talk about being pro-life!

Once I began to understand that God has a design for sex...not just that sex should be within the context of marriage...but that His design was even bigger than that, I was convicted that this was clearly God's truth as revealed by scripture and the teaching of my church since the first century.

And what has come from Rob and I using Natural Family Planning in our marriage? Are there "fruits" to trusting God with being open to life? Surely we have a deeper respect and acceptance of each other. I respect Robert even more for wanting to live out God's plan for us, for respecting me by appreciating my fertility, for accepting all of me by accepting my fertility. For the times we are trying to avoid pregnancy, I respect both of us when we have to abstain from marital relations. It has given us a new respect for life. For our daughter Isabel's life, and for our precious Mary Grace's short life...respect and appreciation for each pregnancy and joy in anticipating the next! And somehow it has opened us to the possibility of having more than our "quota" (as in the number we initially had "planned" to have) of children. Because NFP has opened our hearts to a deeper realization of what a blessing a new life is, and what it means to co-create a life with The Creator.

I'm stepping out of my "comfort box" a little with this post, but I have been feeling very strongly for the last month that I needed to write about why we use NFP and what it means to us. God's plan for marriage is truly masterful and when you participate in it, you come to realize the truth and joy in His design. When we first got married and began using NFP, I thought I would be fearful to trust God with this part of our life, but instead it became freeing. It makes me ever grateful that I have an almighty and loving Father in heaven who is looking out for His children here on earth with such a beautiful plan for the most intimate part of our life.

A big thank you!

I just wanted to write a quick post to say thank you to all of the people who have told me they are going to donate or have already donated their wedding dress to Mary Madeline Project.

You may think it is only my two faithful commentors :) who are interested in donating or have donated, but in fact I have received many emails and have had personal conversations with people who are going to donate their wedding dress!

I'm sure Mary Madeline Project appreciates your generous contribution and I am very touched and thankful for each and every one of you who are considering helping this organization! They surely blessed us with Mary Grace's dress and I am thrilled to hear of so many people wanting to help! Thank you for helping me help them! :)

Switching topics, I have to share a really neat story (well I think it's neat because in hindsight I can see how God was laying out the pieces before He helped me put it together)... While we were awaiting Mary Grace's diagnosis back in February, a friend sent me the link to the story of a beautiful little girl who died from Trisomy 18. I never opened the link. I just couldn't do it at that time. Fast forward to about a week after Mary Grace's death, and Extreme Makeover Home Edition airs on tv. Friends of my mom watched the show and wouldn't you know a mom spoke about her little girl, Mary Grace who survived for 7 hours after birth and then died from Trisomy 18. Now fast forward to about 2 weeks ago and I finally go to "clean up" my email box and found all these Mary Grace emails that I hadn't filed...so I finally opened up that website from back in February...and guess what? The Mary Grace from the website was the same Mary Grace from Extreme Makeover Home Edition! And it took me just over 2 months to put it all together!....Or for God to help me put it together. I felt really blessed to be able to read her story. My heart still breaks every time I go to one of these websites though. It's so hard to read of the pain so many families go through. But on many, as you continue reading you experience not only the heartbreak, but joy, hope, and such great love for these tiny babies.

I don't think I could have appreciated all of those feelings 2 months ago, when we knew our Mary Grace was going to die. Maybe that is why God delayed my "discovery" of this other sweet little Mary Grace. In any case, I feel a special connection to her story, particularly since our babies share the same precious name. And her mom is just so inspirational and filled with God's love. Kim, I hope you don't mind me sharing your little Mary Grace's story: www.marygracesummons.blogspot.com. What a blessing these little babies were and continue to be to our life even if we only held them for but a moment.

Thank you friends for your continued prayers for our family!

Two months since we said, "Goodbye".

Today marks two months since I delivered Mary Grace.

We went out to her grave this morning and there are now two babies buried next to her. The first is Connor W. His grave had a temporary marker, courtesy of the cemetery. I wasn't sure what that meant. Maybe that his parents are ordering a marker that will take a longer time to come in than did Mary Grace's. And another baby had been buried; there was no marker for that grave yet, but fresh white roses had been placed in a plastic vase...11 roses in that vase and one had been placed in Connor's vase. It was really sweet. And sad. Sad that our babies have died. Sad that we have to bring flowers to their graves in their memory instead of receiving flowers in celebration of their birth.

And yet, that's exactly what I did...brought out new (fake) summery pink and purple flowers to place at her headstone. They are pretty for fake flowers. Rob cleaned off the clay and dirt buildup from the marker, and Isabel picked grass to feed to Mary Grace's sheep. And then we all sat on the grass (because they have now removed the bench) and stared at her grave.

It was very peaceful. The sun enveloped us in it's warmth and a gentle breeze blew just enough so that it wasn't too hot. I told Robert that I could fall asleep right there if it wasn't just completely taboo to do so.

After awhile though I felt weak and queasy. I'm not sure if it was the sun or just being at the grave or what, but we left. Maybe it was thinking about it only being two months since we said, "Goodbye" to our little baby. Maybe it was from wondering what happened to the two other little babies who were buried next to Mary Grace.

It's hard to believe that it's only been two months. It actually feels like much, much longer than that.


Dear Mary Grace,

I miss you sweet baby. I miss you every day and even though my heart is healing, I will always love you, want you, and miss you.
You are in a unique position now, to be able to pray for those of us who are still down here on earth, by going right to the throne of God in heaven.
Mary Grace, please pray for our friends and family, especially those who are ill or suffering. Please pray that we have peace in our lives and in our homes; that we will open our hearts to the Lord to receive that peace. Pray for all families who have lost a baby, that their hearts might be healed.

Please thank God for the gift He gave us in you.
We will always love you.

Mommy

Healing a wounded heart.

Last week was a really good week for me. It's like a light just switched inside of me and I've been very at peace with Mary Grace's death. Last Wednesday night (April 15th) before I went to sleep I was thinking about how my heart was wounded. I envisioned my heart was cut down the middle and opened up into two perfect halves. And then I thought about Jesus laying His hands, palms down, on each half of my dissected heart. He is the only one who can heal my heart.

That made me think of Thomas who told the other disciples that he would never believe that Jesus had appeared unless he was able to place his fingers inside the nailmarks and his hand into Jesus' side.

Thomas wanted to put his hands in Christ's wounds because he doubted.

Jesus wants to put His hands in my wounds so He can heal.

Jesus asks if He can place His hands in our wounds to heal our brokenness. And I think last week I felt like I could say, "Okay". Because over the last week I have been without despair, without depressed feelings and even without crying! I have felt hopeful about the future, yes even about "trying again". I still think very often of Mary Grace. Everytime I look at the calendar I am reminded of how many weeks pregnant I would be (I marked each week on the calendar when I was first pregnant all the way up to my due date)...and I would be 28 weeks pregnant by the way. I still think about how my belly should be growing, I think of the spring maternity clothes I should be wearing now, I think of how I would have decorated her nursery. But this week I can look at all those things in an almost fond way...it's tricky to explain. But it almost seems like these beautiful dreams of what could have been...but I'm feeling them in a much different way than two weeks ago when I was weeping for what could have been.

I'm not at all considering that this may be the end of my grief journey. I'm just trying to document a little of what this week has been like "riding the grief waves".

So back to Jesus placing His hands on my heart and Thomas doubting that Christ had risen! Guess what the Gospel reading was on Divine Mercy Sunday (2 days ago for you non-Catholics) and the Sunday AFTER I had this revelation?? You guessed it! Doubting Thomas (John 20:19-31)! I love when God affirms the little revelations He's given me.