Mary Grace Holmes

Read this.

2012-01-29T20:29:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in awhile and I hope to soon. Lots going on here in NC. And so much going on in the news this weekend that I can't say it any better than this blogger did.... so please go read her post! And even if you are not Catholic, you should be upset by this, because your liberties may be next in line.

Wow...2012 is here, and neat things are happening!

2012-01-03T20:06:00.000-05:00

2012 feels like the beginning of something....yes, the beginning of a new year. But something more...
I'm not sure what, yet. But I have this hopefulness about this year...I guess that's what I'm feeling.

One thing I'm really excited about is this book I found over Christmas at my parents' house. Actually, I didn't find it. Isabel did. It had been kicked under the couch in the family room, and she was peeking under there looking for cats. (We had 3 cats merge their lives over Christmas, and it went exceptionally well, I might add). But back to the story: So she finds this book tucked away under the couch, pulls it out and hands it to my mom. My mom in turn, finds a chapter and gives it to me to read. Well, it was like Jesus speaking to me from the pages in that moment, regarding a certain situation I was going through! And I was hooked.

It's called My Daily Bread and it's a tiny, pocket-sized book by Anthony Paone, S.J.

The book is in fact, what I would call the original version of Jesus Calling....just written by a Catholic priest back in the 1950s. And it's fantastic. It is just what I needed to start off this new year. To have a moment of reflection every day to bring me closer to God. It's written as if Jesus were speaking to you, and then it has a passage to think about, and a prayer passage. I'm feeling hopeful that it is going to really help me in my spiritual walk.

We had a good Christmas. I really felt the joy of His birth at the Christmas Vigil Mass we attended! Even though I was a little anxious about how Ian would do during the extra long service...usually I would have been much more stressed, but I was able to relax and really enjoy and participate in the Mass. It was great. Other parts of our Christmas vacation did not go as I had planned, or as I could have even begun to anticipate (!) but, I am thankful for those moments too. God has a plan for every moment and every single thing that we might experience as "going wrong"...and we can find meaning in those moments too. So I am thankful for that, because it has given me more focused intentions to pray for in this new year!

Speaking of prayer intentions, we are really grateful to any of you who might have offered up a prayer for Rob's dad. He is out of the hospital and in a specialized nursing facility, and we are now praying that he will get transferred to a facility that is closer to the area where we live. It is currently about a 40 mile trip (one way) to go visit him.

And finally every now and then I wonder if it's time to end this blog. Just because I wonder if it's useful to anyone, or if it's now just me rambling about random things. And today God revealed that it is still useful. Even though our experience with losing Mary Grace and the other pregnancies is in the past, that experience is still helping others! And that is really just amazing and humbling to me, that God could use our pain and heartbreak for His purposes and draw good from it. It is just such a neat thing.

Prayer Buddy Reveal

2011-12-28T19:33:00.001-05:00

I had the blessing of praying for Rebecca at Shoved To Them this Advent!

I felt especially honored to be able to pray for you, Rebecca, and I hope God used my prayers to bless you this season.

The following was an Advent prayer I found online (it was supposed to be for the first week of Advent, but I used it the entire time! I thought it was beautiful, and I adapted it just for my prayer buddy by inserting her name for "me".

Advent Week 1 Prayer

Come, long-expected Jesus.
Excite in me a wonder at the wisdom and power of Your
Father and ours.
Receive my prayer as part of my service of the Lord
who enlists me in God's own work for justice.

Come, long-expected Jesus.
Excite in me a hunger for peace: peace in the world,
peace in my home, peace in myself.

Come, long-expected Jesus.
Excite in me a joy responsive to the Father's joy.
I seek His will so I can serve with gladness, singing and love.

Come, long-expected Jesus.
Excite in me the joy and love and peace
it is right to bring to the manger of my Lord.
Raise in me, too,
sober reverence for the God who acted there,
hearty gratitude for the life begun there,
and spirited resolution to serve the Father and Son.

I pray in the name of Jesus Christ,
whose advent I hail.

Amen.

Thank you for sharing your blog Rebecca, it is such an inspiration to others! You are such a blessing!

Friday Quick Takes #10

2011-12-09T10:53:00.000-05:00

1. I LOVE our Christmas tree this year. For some reason it is not dropping hardly any needles, unlike last year when I was vaccuuming every day! We have had to devise a contraption to keep the cat from drinking all the tree's water. Our cat is obsessed with water. He prefers to drink out of a running faucet, rather than his water bowl. If he hears water, he comes running....so refilling the Christmas tree makes for an adventure. Luckily our anti-cat contraption is working and you barely notice it. It's a piece of dark foam rubber that we cut to fit around the base of the tree and over the top of the water tray.And most importantly, it works! Our poor cat is just furious over it.

2. We are battling a long-lasting viral cold in this house. It started with Isabel, spread to me and I gave it to Ian. Isabel was doing better, and I was just starting to get it on Saturday when we went to a potluck dinner....I think that was a bad move. I dosed up on dayquil before we went and felt well enough to make it through the party, but I think we just ended up spreading our germs instead of joy and Christmas cheer. :( That was last Saturday, and the running noses are continuing....I hate when colds hang on. Hopefully we will get through it and be well for Christmas week!

3. Ian is cruising along furniture and starting to let go with one hand, turn around and then just sort of freefall- IF someone is there to catch him. He doesn't really do it if he knows he's by himself. I don't know if he expects that he can stand on his own or thinks he's going to take off walking or what!? (He's definitely not got the balance yet to just stand on his own yet). He's growing up faster than Isabel did....I swear! In our house, Ian is a big ham...always smiling, giggling, getting into mischief, but as soon as someone else enters the house he becomes very serious.

4. We made salt-dough ornaments this week and they turned out AWESOME! I used this lady's recipe and I think this will be an annual tradition. Very frugal, but they turned out much nicer than I expected. I need to take a picture :)

5. We watched Nicholas: The Boy Who Became Santa this week for the Feast of St. Nicholas and the Christians in the show are being persecuted. Well Isabel asked me, "Why don't they just tell the bad guys that they (the Christians) don't really believe in Jesus so they don't kill them and throw them in jail?" Ohhhh boy! Big discussions at 5 years old....how to explain martyrdom as a good thing. Any ideas? I was so caught off guard. I told her that it's always important to show your love for Jesus, even when people are teasing you or want to throw you in jail, etc. and that maybe that you standing up for Jesus will lead to the bad guy changing his heart to love Jesus too!

6. I don't have a 7th quick take this week, so for my 6th, could you please send up some prayers for Rob's dad? My FIL had a stroke and is currently in the hospital. He does not seem to understand what people are saying and is having trouble forming sentences. :( His prognosis is very uncertain at this point and we are kind of taking it moment by moment until the doctors give us some more info. Please pray for our whole family that God will show His will and bring good out of this situation. Thank you!

Prayer Buddy!

2011-12-06T14:10:00.000-05:00

Hey Prayer Buddy! I've got a request! I'm really struggling with an issue of overindulgence over here. And it's not what you think. I'm actually the one who is trying to keep things simple. But I'm getting overwhelmed by the overindulgence of others, especially since this time of year is supposed to be about JESUS, preparing for Him, slowing down, reflecting....

...and instead I'm panicking and a little sick to my stomach, because of "too much of a good thing".

I know...it's rather vague. If you could just pray that God will work all of this out, and that I can leave it up to Him. That would be great.

There's something about a simpler life that I am drawn to. Less materialism. Less clutter to occupy my house and my mind. Maybe it's time to move out to the country and raise chickens.

And on another note, a big Praise God! for so many new pregnancies around me lately! Praying that these are all blessed and healthy! Praise God for new life all around.

Put a Sock In It!

2011-12-03T20:04:00.000-05:00

Oh not you!

Me.

This is what I've decided to work on during Advent.

God kind of alerted me to this at Adoration last night. I went in and knelt down and started rambling.

Then I got distracted. Lost my train of thought. I couldn't focus. My mind was everywhere. And I sensed God telling me to slow down and bask in His presence. I needed to put a sock in the "mouth" of my mind, which was apparently running in overdrive.

And I'm so glad He let me know. Because I was able to stop. And let go. And truly bask in His presence. I took all of my sin, and all of my worry, and frustration, anxiety, sadness, you name it....and I gave it to Him.
And I felt light.
I thought I might fall over in the pew....I literally felt that weightless.
It was supernatural.

Until I started thinking thoughts like, "what if I really do fall out of my pew and all these people see me?" And then that "light" feeling started to slip away.

Trust Me.

Okay Lord. You know best. I trust in You.

I had over an hour of glorious adoration time.

And my new reminder when my mind starts to think about "too much" at once, is to put a sock in it.

Here's my little mascot to cheer me on:

Lord, help me to slow down, put a sock in it, and listen to what you would have me hear this Advent.

Welcome Back AF!

2011-11-28T22:04:00.000-05:00

What a title! But my cycle did indeed return....on Thanksgiving Day.

I told you I ovulated, afterall. And right before the return of my cycle came the return of the insanity I like to call "me obsessing over whether or not I might be pregnant right before AF returns".

I WAS that person in the Dollar Tree, the day before Thanksgiving, buying a pregnancy test....

And on top of that, I was dragging Isabel up and down every aisle. (They moved the tests, you see).

Meanwhile she is asking what it is that I'm shopping for.

"I can't tell you." I reply.

"Oh boy!" she says....then breaks into a litany of ideas; "Is it a toy? Is it a coloring book? Is it a princess wand? I really want a princess wand on my Christmas list...." Uh-oh, now she thinks it's a surprise for her. Geez...this is not going like I had planned.

Just walk into the store, discreetly buy a test and get out.

Nope. Go up to the check-out and ask the lady at the register if they have any tests.

"Yes." She says and stares blankly at me.

"O-K....Can you tell me where you keep them?" I'm trying to prompt her...

"Right here under the counter." She doesn't make a move. Still staring blankly at me.

"Okay, I'll take two." (You always need a back-up!) She kind of half-smiles at me, but I don't bother to explain to her the necessity of two tests.

Check out. "Happy Thanksgiving!" Leave store. Get home. Take test. It's definitely negative.

Hmmm....what if it's wrong?

AF shows up the next morning!

*sigh*

I would have been thankful either way :)

What's a good number?

2011-11-22T13:26:00.000-05:00

Lately, I keep getting asked how many children Rob and I want to have. It's interesting because this article on the Duggars recently flew all over facebook and blogs, and I thought it was terrific.

So maybe people are asking because the Duggars are having another child. In any case, my response is usually the same as Rob's, "We will have as many as God chooses to give us."

But this answer seldom satisfies the person who asked the question.

"Well, what's a good number?"

For me? In my head it's usually the same answer! "However many we are blessed with!" But what I have been saying lately is "five".

I think five is a great number. But let me quantify and clarify!

When I was 10, I thought "three" was a good number of kids. Because I am one of three children in my family.

When I was, oh, about 16, my opinion changed and I thought "four" was a good number. At that point I thought I was being really generous...I mean FOUR KIDS??? That's a whole lot! (Or so I thought.) And my reasoning at the time was that with three children, someone was always a "third wheel", so four would even things out.

My point is, perspective changes over time, and with experience. Losing babies has made me desire more babies! Having Isabel made me wish I had started having children sooner. There is no way to explain the joy that comes with having a child, and after Isabel, I couldn't wait to see what new creation God might have in store for Rob and I in the addition of another child to our family. And from my perspective of having lost several pregnancies, I think five might be an ambitious number, just because of my history.

So I say "five"....but I would be thrilled with six, or seven or eight...you get the picture!   It's not my desire to attempt to limit God by saying "this is the limit, we're not open to any more". And sometimes I think when people talk to me they want to know that I have "a limit".

Having children comes with great responsibility! Rob and I take this seriously! You have to be able to provide for them, among other things! But would my children suffer if they never got to go on extravagant vacations, instead opting for cheaper family camp-outs in the backyard? I'm not sure why people are eager for my "limit".

Would 20 children be too many? Well, considering my history and age there probably isn't much of a chance of that happening! Ummm....and we'd definitely need a bigger house. And what about this BIBLE verse?

"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
    the fruit of the womb a reward.Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
   are the children of one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
   who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
   when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."
Psalm 127:3-5

That makes you wonder...how many makes a full quiver??   I think the answer for each family is different and it takes discernment, openness to God's will and some deep prayer with You Know Who!

Just my 2 cents for the day.

Friday Quick Takes

2011-11-18T07:23:00.000-05:00

1. I'm going longer and longer between posts these days....I'm sure you've noticed! ;) Not sure if it is just the addition of Ian and less time on my hands, or if I've got less to say these days. Sometimes I wonder if I should keep this blog going if there's not much to say, but then I am reminded that people discover things when God wants them to....and Mary Grace's story still has relevance for those who are struggling with pregnancy loss, even if I am not currently in that same struggle.

2. I put Ian on the scale yesterday and he was 15 1/2 pounds! YAY! I am just thrilled that he is gaining weight on this high-cal stuff! The fact that he is gaining outweighs the frustration and sadness I have that I am not exclusively breastfeeding.

3. Homeschooling is going well this year and through it, and a book that my mom recommended: The Way They Learn I am learning to approach her in different ways, and recognize that she has a particular way of learning that may in fact be different from the way I learn!!! (How novel!) It has been really useful. Isabel really likes to do things right the first time, even though she may not know how! So when things aren't perfect the first time she is easily frustrated. And it doesn't help for me to get frustrated about that. (I should have already known that, right?) But I've found the different ways to work through it and help her to persevere!

4. I'm pretty sure I ovulated. More on that in another post...

5. I'm very excited about eating Thanksgiving dinner. :)

6. I found a nativity felt board on Etsy that I am just so thrilled about! It comes with a pregnant Mary and a "delivered" Mary, and you can put baby Jesus in and out of the crib. These things may seem trivial, but they are going to be so "big" for Isabel! I can't wait for it to arrive.

7. Speaking of being "delivered", there is an abundance of new babies around here! Several friends have had their babies in the last couple of weeks and I'm so happy for them! Praise God for safe and healthy deliveries, mommas and babies!

7 Month Weight Check

2011-11-08T11:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I took Ian for his 7 month weight check. He has now been on the high calorie breastmilk and high calorie formula for one month, and he gained 11 1/2 oz over the last month! At 6 months he was 14lbs 7 oz and yesterday he weighed 15lbs 2.5 oz! So the high cal stuff is working!

What has not been working is what I suspect to be reflux. Ian does not spit up really, but over the last month he has started waking multiple times at night, sometimes screaming in pain. With the screaming in pain, I've noticed a wet, gurgling noise in his throat. For three days he had really terrible breath, which I thought might be related, but at the time he also had a cold, so I thought it could also be drainage. But what really made me suspect reflux was the way the child takes a bottle. Sitting straight up with his head tilted back....it looks ridiculous, but he got to the point where he would no longer take a bottle cradled in your arms (like a normal baby!).... the other alternative position was on the floor, but he would still sort of turn on his side and arch his back.

So yesterday, the doc put him on Zan.tac. It did not go over well. The first dose he vomited everything in his tiny little stomach. The second dose we tried giving in food...did not really work. The third dose in one ounce of freshly pumped breastmilk. Nope. So I added 2 more ounces of milk, nope. Wouldn't touch it. Wasted breast milk. I was pretty upset at this point. The doctor has prescribed awful tasting medicine (oh....wait, I didn't mention that we took it back to Target and they flavored the already menthol **think worse than peptobis.mol** medicine with grape....yeah, he still hates it.), my baby won't take the medicine, and now thinks any bottle coming his way is of the devil.

Great.

And then my husband shoves my devotional at me, and I read it.

"Take all sufferings today and offer them to God in thanksgiving for the many blessings you have received."

Argh.

Waiting on a call back from the triage nurse to either give me some new tips...or a new prescription.

Maybe he'll be a priest?

2011-10-25T16:06:00.000-04:00

"Precious Little One"

2011-10-19T20:36:00.000-04:00

Today I looked down at Ian, (who was attempting to crawl underneath our dining room table to all the sharp corners for the umpteenth time)....and as I scooped him up, I thought to myself....he's really here.

This precious little guy who we had waited for....for soooo long, he's really here in front of me. It's hard sometimes to grasp, even as I'm cleaning up baby spit, having my hair pulled, pulling him out from under the dining room table for the umpteenth time, and washing diapers...he's really here.

I am so blessed.

Yesterday, one of Rob's co-workers asked for the poem we had printed on Mary Grace's funeral cards. I knew the only place to find it was in The Box. I knew I had to go in there to get it....it was important. The co-worker's next door neighbor had just lost her baby at 39 1/2 weeks.

Oh it makes my heart ache for her. I just can't imagine the pain of being that close to having a baby in her arms, and then...

And yet, I'm familiar with the pain of losing a baby.

Please send up a prayer for her family, if you have a chance.
I hope this poem brings her some comfort.

"Precious Little One"
I'm just a precious little one who didn't make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I'm waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorrow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don't complain.
I have all Heaven's Glory,
suffered none of earth's great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I'd have loved to bring it fame.
But if I'd lingered in earth's shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family - don't you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus' arms
from my loving Mother's womb.-Author Unknown

Ian's 6 month check-up...about as I expected.

2011-10-12T15:19:00.000-04:00

The poor baby has dropped from 75th% at birth to 5th%..... pretty much as I expected. He weighed in at a whopping (haha) 14 pounds 7 ounces. His length is about 40th% and head circumference is still up there too, so the pediatrician was not "overly concerned", but she was concerned enough to agree that we needed to ramp up his calories.

So now, he gets high calorie breastmilk! That is 3 oz of breastmilk mixed with 1 teaspoon of powdered formula. Or if I need to do 100% formula at a feeding, then he gets 5 oz of water with 3 scoops of powdered formula...that gives him 24 calories/ounce versus the average 20 calories/ounce of regular formula or breastmilk. It didn't sound like that much to me, going from 20 calories/ounce to 24/ounce until Rob reminded me that that was a 20% increase in calories per ounce, so yeah, I guess he's right ;)

Now I never knew you could combine breastmilk and formula powder! Somewhere I had read that you should swirl, not shake breastmilk as it breaks down something in the breastmilk. Well, it's kind of difficult to "swirl in" the formula powder.......ahhh....the challenges around here never cease! ;)

The pediatrician said that since Isabel went through the same thing, and went through pretty much every test imaginable and we have found nothing "wrong", then it is likely just genetic...hereditary.

Yep, just like I gain 50-70lbs each pregnancy, I also grow tiny children.

Yes, I realize that gaining that much weight during pregnancy is not hereditary! Wish I could claim that one!

In all seriousness though, I've really had a hard time entrusting this baby to God in the area of weight gain. In fact, I would say that I haven't done it. I've been trying to fight this "get my baby to gain weight" battle all on my own, possibly even against God, and let me tell you, it's not been working. Sometimes it's hard to remember that I can choose to turn each and every moment over to Him.

When I'm tired.
When I'm making the umpteenth bottle of extra calories.
When the dishes are piling up.
When Isabel doesn't want to focus on her school work.
When the cloth diapers need to be washed, again.
When Ian crawls to the same hard cornered "foot" of the dining room table over and over, and I have to pull him back so that he doesn't bump.
When I get that unexpected bill in the mail.
When the man in the faith formation car pool line yells at me because he thinks I'm not following carpool line directions....
I should have given it all to Him.

Every moment is a choice.
God help me, in every moment, to remember to choose You.

Pictures from a lazy Saturday!

2011-10-09T07:56:00.000-04:00

Pictures from a lazy Saturday...

6 months of Ian

2011-10-05T20:59:00.000-04:00

Today Ian turned 6 months old! I absolutely cannot believe he has already been here for 6 months, and yet it is hard to figure out how we got along without him before he arrived.

Ian continues to be a charmer. His easy smile and happy baby laughs are enough to make me want 10 more! Okay, well...that probably won't be likely (so don't worry, Mom!).

At 6 months Ian has 4 teeth (well, the top 2 have broken through, but are not all the way down yet). He is inchworming everywhere...

"Inchworming??", you ask??

Just watch below:

He's alot faster now....that was a couple weeks ago.
Now he thinks he should start pulling up on things....
at 6 months.
So far he pulls up just so that he's holding on to something and he's on his knees....he is not actually pulling to a standing position or anything....
pretty good for a 6 month old, huh?

And I finally, yes, finally....
at 6 months....
transitioned him into his own crib....that is, not mine and Robert's bed....that is, not the co-sleeper that was attached to our bed...that is, his own crib in his own bedroom all the way across the playroom. But he's doing quite well in there! I'm the one who is having baby withdrawals! People used to ask me (all the time) if Ian was sleeping through the night and before I had a hard time answering, because he was in the bed with me...so he never fully woke up, but if he started rooting around in the bed, I'd nurse him and he was back to sleep in an instant. However, now, I can answer, definitely NOT sleeping through the night. Here is our routine.

He goes to sleep around 8-9pm in the pack 'n play downstairs (because we are downstairs in the evening watching tv).
I fall asleep on the couch and then go to bed by 11pm.
Rob stays up (he's a night owl) and brings Ian up to the crib between 12am-1am (at which time Ian usually wakes up and nurses).
Then he usually wakes up at 4am and nurses, then back to sleep until about 7:30am.
Sometimes there is one extra "wake up" in there.

The only issue at 6 months that we are having is that 2 weeks ago, Ian weighed 14lbs on our home scale. At his 4 month well-visit he was 13lbs 9.5oz. So he had only gained about a half pound (not even!) over a month and a half. I was very concerned....actually I've been concerned since his 4 month check-up, because he had already started sliding down the growth chart. So about a week ago I started him on formula. I try to get about 10-12oz of formula in him a day and the rest is breastmilk...of course I'm not really pumping all that breastmilk, he is just nursing, so I'm not totally sure how many more ounces he is getting a day. I was thinking that maybe my milk is just water...well, mostly water.

Is it possible for some breastmilk to just be lowfat??? Maybe he is not getting enough hindmilk....maybe my hindmilk is really 1% instead of whole milk??? I don't know. All I know is that the formula seems to be helping because on October 3, I weighed him at 14.8lbs on my home scale and then October 4th, he was 15 even (but wearing his diaper and onesie)...so still .8 lbs in a week is pretty good in my opinion. We go to the pediatrician for his 6 month well visit on Monday, so I'm sure she'll have alot to say.

This is very much a repeat of Isabel...as far as falling off the growth charts. The only thing I have going for me in Ian's case is that his poor sister went through every test imaginable and they were never able to find anything "wrong". But when both kids start falling off the charts around 4 months, it does make me wonder about my milk.

Now I do have to say that I feel pretty rotten about the milk thing....it makes me feel pretty inadequate to think that my milk is not supplying enough calories to keep my kids growing! I'm eating plenty (just ask Rob :) ) and I'm drinking water...so I don't know what else could be eating up the calories unless I'm pregnant! (Don't worry Mom, that was another joke!)

In that department, I still haven't seen my period. I had gotten it around 5 months PP with Isabel and I was even exclusively, on-demand breastfeeding with her!

Anyway, I'll leave you with a cute pic of my three sweeties! It's almost a family pic, except someone had to take the picture :) Baby doesn't sit still for the camera timer.

Happy 6 months, Ian!

And as a completely random aside, does anyone know what I could do with winter squash???

Convicted at church.

2011-09-25T16:06:00.000-04:00

Thus says the LORD:
You say, "The LORD's way is not fair!"
Hear now, house of Israel:
Is it my way that is unfair, or rather, are not your ways unfair?
When someone virtuous turns away from virtue to commit iniquity, and dies,
it is because of the iniquity he committed that he must die.
But if he turns from the wickedness he has committed,
he does what is right and just,
he shall preserve his life;
since he has turned away from all the sins that he has committed,
he shall surely live, he shall not die.    Ezekiel 18:25-28
This was the first reading at Mass today. And it really began to convict me. It got me thinking about how a person's heart can truly be turned to God at even the very last moment of his life. If the person will just turn away from sin. It's hard to understand sometimes, that turning away from money, comfort, and control of your life can actually preserve your life.
Heaven seems so far off, sometimes.
God seems so distant sometimes.
And yet both thing could be brought before you in the blink of an eye.

I was convicted later in Mass during the gospel reading (Matthew 21:28-32), where again the point of conversion was stressed...it was the story of the man with 2 sons, one of whom said that he would not go work in the vineyard (after being asked by his father), but later changed his mind.
Something changed in his heart, which allowed him to obey his father.
And it changed after he had initially rejected making the right choice.

And so it can be with those we love....or maybe even with our own self!

I have been rejecting an opportunity to forgive. I received some devotional emails on the topic of forgiveness and have been avoiding them for about a week and a half now. It's too hard. It's too much to read. I thought I already forgave...but why do I still have all these angry feelings??

I know what is the right thing to do. I've been telling the Lord, "it isn't fair", just like in the first reading.   And maybe some things are more difficult to forgive when you are living them. It's not always a past hurt, but sometimes it is in the present....I guess forgiveness can be in the present too. Maybe some people have to pray for the strength to forgive on a daily basis...

Good thing God is near.

I'm back and thankful.

2011-09-15T16:02:00.000-04:00

Wow....my last post was August 5th, and here we are at September 15th! Bad blogger!

I've looked at this website many times over the last month and have almost started writing a post, then stopped.

I've got what I can call nothing other than a spiritual war going on inside and around me. Maybe someone out there can relate, but I've just noticed, and have been a part of Satan really trying to attack, tear down and destroy whatever he can of "the family unit"....I've experienced it in my own family, and I've seen it around me.

And I've had a hard time with it. I haven't known how to write about it. I've had lots of anger over it. I've been struggling with FORGIVENESS, RELEASING situations to God, CHOOSING to LOVE,....and frankly I feel like I've been thrown into a world that I did not know could exist. A world that I would have never believed God would ever have brought my way, and a world around which the "potholes" so-to-speak, are difficult to navigate.

This sounds really depressing, and it is! But there are things that I am learning too....

The most amazing, is that for the whole time that Rob and I struggled with losing babies and with trying to get pregnant again, I wondered why all of this was God's plan. How could it be that He didn't want me to have any of those babies.....the answer many people gave: "All in God's time", "God's timing is perfect", "Wait on the Lord". And I believed all of those statements....I just didn't understand.

But in the situation that I am experiencing now, God is letting me in on His plan...just a little bit.
While I can't speak on the situation here on this blog, I can say, that God gave me Ian, for this time. At Adoration one day, that thought came to me. God wanted me to understand this.

Not only is he a little miracle because we waited so long, and waited through such heartache for him, but he is a miracle who's purpose is to bring a special joy and love, and a reminder of God's EVER-PRESENT LOVE to me and my family during this time in our life.

This baby is so easy to smile.... he will laugh practically on command.... he is oh-so ticklish!!
And those baby giggles and smiles are holding me together.
Oh God is so good. He knew what I would need before I even knew that I would need it.
He saw a situation from afar, and refined me through fire, and molds and remolds me as I continue my journey.

God, my husband, and my children. He knew what I would need!
And I am so very thankful I have all of them in my life.

What I've been up to this week...

2011-08-05T15:30:00.000-04:00

Diaper laundry....although not sure I should have hung them to dry, because now I have leak issues. :(

Bathtime art. Isabel's bathtime art, that is.

Don't know what it is??

The Crucifixion and Resurrection, of course! I didn't prompt her either...she drew it all on her own.

Ian contemplating life from his stroller with Isabel and Rob building in the background.

We went to the NC Museum of Life and Science on Monday with out-of-town family!

Lots of fun!

Iz and I using geometric pattern blocks!

We have these at home, but for some reason they are sooooo much cooler at the museum, right?

Fresh "right bite" tomatoes :) Yum!

Outdoor play with colored water in old plastic bottles...doesn't get more frugal than this! ;)

I found the idea at one of my favorite blogs: Frugal Family Fun Blog

And what is this last picture?? Oh, that's how I said the rosary on Wednesday.

I had to use baby toys instead of rosary beads to keep track of my Hail Marys.

Hey, stay at home moms have to improvise sometimes! ;)

Because this smile would make anyone's day....

2011-07-20T20:19:00.000-04:00

I'm posting it here...

So for any of you who are feeling down....

   Under the weather....

        Burdened by life.....

             Overwhelmed by finances, relationships in turmoil, or some other stressful event.....

Just take a look at this face. And have your smile for the day. God has good things in store for you!

"A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed."

Proverbs 15:13

Friday Quick Takes #8

2011-07-15T09:41:00.000-04:00

1. Number One is that I'm wayyyy over due for a blog post here! There are lots of reasons. Little time, too lazy, and it's been hard to come up with some "real" subject matter. Oh pictures of the kids is "real enough", but I've just been lacking in the meaty-post-writing department lately.

2. ~~We've~~ I've started cloth diapering. I'm kinda dragging my husband along into it....which is why I scratched out the "we've". I have to say I'm a bit giddy about it...it's actually awesome. How can cloth diapering be fun? Why am I looking forward to putting a new diaper on Ian at changing time?? Is it the snaps on those cute little cloth diapers?? Is it the bright colors?? I have no idea, but I love it! I've gotten alot of help from around the blogworld (MoreLikeMaryMoreLikeMe and Andrew and Julie's Adoption Story) as well as from my IRL friend, Emily! What a huge help!!

3. Ian has a tooth (actually I think it's 2 teeth) coming in at 3 months! I'm shocked....sort of. He's been gnawing on his fists since around 6 weeks, but the pediatrician told me it was not likely to be due to his teeth. I didn't really believe her. Sure enough yesterday was a bit of a nightmare (see pic below). Poor little guy was just a mess with his sore little gums! I held him umm....all day? Okay, a good portion of the day. I don't know if you can really see in the bottom pic those two little white dots on his gums (bottom 2 front teeth), but I promise you they are there! Iz didn't cut a tooth until 7 months..this is just crazy! And of course it hasn't really cut through the gums yet...I think he'll feel much better once they do.

4. Monday was mine and Rob's 8 year wedding anniversary! Eight years has both flown by and yet it seems like we've always been together :) What a blessing God has given me in him!

5. My garden has been more of a failure than a success this year. Overrun with weeds...(I didn't want to use weed killer for fear it would get my vegetables, and I don't really like weed killer/pesticides/etc.) but it seems like the weeds got the better of me. I'm not going to show you a picture because it's too embarrassing! But out of the lettuce, corn, squash, sweet peas, watermelon, tomatoes, peppers and green beans I planted. We have eaten a few sweet peas, lettuce (although it's turned bitter), 1 squash before the squash bugs got it, a handful of green beans (but thankfully there are more), the watermelons are starting to rot on the bottom before they get big enough to eat (??), and the tomatoes are just now FINALLY starting to turn yellow. All of these things were from seed...oh and the corn, it grew into stalks, just never produced any cobs. Go figure.

6. It's been killer hot here. 100 degrees feeling like 110. This is not the NC weather I grew up with. Today is much more pleasant...we even got to have the screen door open because it was soooo cool! Happy for cooler (high 88) weather yesterday and today!

7. I thought this article about Corapi was excellent. It put all the thoughts I've been having about his situation into the right perspective...I'm glad she wrote it.

Look what I won!

2011-06-26T18:12:00.000-04:00

I've been out of town and when I got home Friday, I had received this in the mail:

Isn't it just gorgeous??? Courtesy of Pray, Hope, Don't worry. I was sooooo thrilled to have been chosen as the winner during her recent giveaway! And little did she know that the colors she chose for this birthdate print (mounted on canvas) are the same colors in Ian's nursery!! Amazing!

It looks so good, I may just have to order one for Isabel too! ;)

Here's a closer look: I got his name, date of birth, weight and length, the meaning of his name and even a St. Gerard "pray for us" card on there! She did such a beautiful job.

She sells these prints on Etsy.com as well as personalized onesies, and wedding date prints so go check it out: Rae's Gifts for baby and home on Etsy.

Ian's Baptism

2011-06-14T10:23:00.000-04:00

Here are a couple pictures from Ian's baptism on Saturday, June 11th, 2011. There were 5 babies total baptized that day. I was so nervous that Ian would be screaming, but the deacon totally calmed my nerves when he said, "Now sometimes it makes parents anxious when their babies cry, but I love crying babies...do not worry!" WHEW! But I didn't need to worry anyway, because he slept through the entire thing!

Above is a picture of Isabel holding the baptism picture frame she created for Ian. It's so cute...we talked about what she might put on it (I suggested a dove, cross, etc.) and she just took the ideas and ran with it! There is Jesus on the very top (with black hair), two doves, two angels holding tablets (can't remember what she said they said), sheep, baby Jesus in a manger, and Mary and Joseph praying in front of Jesus in the tabernacle! Love little kid creations! How precious!

Name That Baby: Baptism Edition! ANSWER

2011-06-11T22:26:00.001-04:00

So Ian was baptized today, and I will post some pictures soon....but just couldn't believe when we slipped him into the baptismal gown how much he resembled Isabel....so here is Round Two of Name That Baby!

Give me your guesses!

I promise each pic is of a different baby ;)

ANSWER: You are all right! Ian is in the top picture and Isabel is in the bottom picture! Good job!

Better than a Bumbo

2011-06-06T17:15:00.000-04:00

Ummm....we have a real bumbo seat by the way...but this is Daddy's makeshift version:

Disclaimer: Ian was not left alone at any point in these pillows!

No, not even then!

Daddy thought he was so clever creating this pillow seat that he had to take a picture:

I of course, took a picture of him taking the picture. ;)

Quick Takes #7

2011-06-03T18:04:00.000-04:00

1. The heat here is just zapping my energy! Today it is only 86, but for some reason it feels worse than the 95 we had yesterday! We installed the thermal window film on several of our west facing windows and it has made a HUGE difference in the temperature inside our home...or at least a huge difference on how hard our poor AC unit has to work! I'm almost giddy to see the electric bill next month to calculate our savings!

2. My husband surprised me with a new camera for my birthday....okay, it's not my birthday until the 20th, but to get this one, he had to sell my SLR and I kind of couldn't go without a camera for Ian's baptism which is a week from tomorrow! So I got it early! It's an Olympus Pen E-PL1 and it's awesome. I'm in love with it. I went from an Olympus E-500 to the Pen.

3. Last night our german shepherd killed a giant rabbit that somehow entered our fenced in backyard. I was really surprised since Greta does nothing but gently play and herd our cat. I guess she thought the rabbit was an intruder. I was kind of upset about it until Rob reminded me that if it had been a fox or coyote, we would have wanted her to get it out of there....still...

4. My garden is growing really well! I have tomato plants, corn, zucchini, cucumber, watermelon and sweet peas, oh and lettuce and pepper plants this year. The only problem I'm having is massive weeds!!! Not sure how to get rid of them....I'm pulling like crazy, but the more I water, the more they come back.

5. We are having grilled chicken (marinated in greek dressing) and an orzo tomato pasta salad for dinner tonight and I'm starving. It's 6:01pm.

6. Ian is teething. Did I mention that last week? Well it's for sure! He gnaws his fist and has given himself a hickie on his arm from chewing...poor baby can't hold up a teething ring or anything really to chew on yet! He goes for his 2 month visit on Monday...and gets shots :(

7. Finally, Isabel and I were watching A Baby Story the other day and the mother-to-be had been adopted when she was a baby...so I said to Iz, "She was adopted." Isabel replied, "From where?....the purgatory?" I then cracked up....she meant "the orphanage" but Lord knows how she confused "purgatory" with "orphanage"....it was too funny!

Quick Takes Friday #6

2011-05-27T06:41:00.000-04:00

1. My weight has plateaued. I've lost 38lbs since having Ian....of the 53 that I gained!!! And I still have 15 more to go....sadly, it doesn't seem to be going! The first 35 pounds came off within the first 2 weeks...I'm not exaggerating. I'm not sure how it happened but I seriously lost 35lbs in 2 weeks...and 3 pounds in the next 4 weeks. I guess it's time to start exercising, huh? ;)

2. Ian woke up at 5:30am this morning. So it's 6:28am as I type this....he's happy...he just doesn't want to sleep...he just wants to lie there...awake...and wiggling.

3. Yesterday I took both kids to the pool...all by myself! I felt very accomplished! Of course Ian did not get in..we camped out in the shade and Isabel played in the shallow end, but I did it and survived.

4. We picked strawberries this week and so far have made homemade strawberry shortcake (yum!) and strawberry muffins. I think this morning we will do strawberry bread....frankly I'm running out of strawberry ideas.

5. Yesterday a solicitor came to our door and rang the doorbell. Not a big deal, right? Except that I have a "No Soliciting Here! Thank You!" sign on the door. He had the audacity to tell me that he saw my sign (!) but that this was really important. Do you think I bought any of what he was selling??? ;) I was fuming when he left!

6. Ian's baptism is June 11th! I'm looking forward to it!

7. Does anyone know of a cheaper alternative to Dreft, the baby detergent?

I'm 6 weeks old!

2011-05-19T12:35:00.001-04:00

Wanna play a guessing game???

Guess who turned six weeks on Tuesday???

Awww...is this game boring you?? Don't fall asleep! It's you!!!

Yes, YOU turned 6 weeks on Tuesday!!! What you can't believe it either???

It's funny because it's true! I knew you would like that answer...

You just love being the center of attention these days...

What??? You have to share the attention with someone?? Who's that?

Awww....I knew you wouldn't mine sharing with her.

Happy six weeks, Ian! We are so blessed!

A moment of peace.

2011-05-11T12:08:00.000-04:00

A moment of peace.....

This is the kind of peace that can only be found in the bathroom with the overhead fan on

...and the shower running.

Name That Baby! ANSWER

2011-05-03T16:34:00.001-04:00

Inspired by Leila's comment on my last post about how she was surprised by Ian's dark hair after always seeing Isabel's blonde hair, I've come up with a game that I'll call Name That Baby! ;) Isabel wasn't always blonde, you see! I was as surprised as everyone else when she came out with dark hair and it slowly changed over to blonde.

So, one picture is of Isabel and the one is of Ian. Leave me a comment if you think you know who is who!

ANSWER: Isabel is in the top picture, Ian is in the bottom! That was fun! Might have to be a recurring addition to the ol' blog ;)

Because it's been half a month since I've posted....

2011-05-02T11:24:00.000-04:00

Here's a sweet pic to let you know we are all still here ;)

Isabel and Ian

2011-04-18T14:19:00.001-04:00

She's about as in love with him as Rob and I!

Ian's Birth Story

2011-04-13T15:52:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday April 5, at 3am I woke up with strong menstrual-like cramps. They were strong enough to keep me awake, so I decided to pack my hospital bag (no, my hospital bag still had not been packed!), and then I thought I should paint my toenails. So as I was painting them (at 3am in the bathroom), Isabel walks in from having had a bad dream and asks if I could sleep in her room. I thought, "Why not? I might as well lie in there for the next few hours since I can't sleep anyway!" I ended up falling asleep and was awoken at 6am by my water breaking! It wasn't a huge gush, but enough to make me realize this was it! It continued to trickle for a few minutes and so I decided to take a shower and get ready because today was Baby Day! By 6:30am I was having regular contractions 4-5 minutes apart.

My mom had come into town on Sunday (anticipating the big day!) and so she took the last picture of the three of us, before we headed off to my regular OBGYN appointment at 8:30am.

We got there and the doctor checked me (I was 3cm!) and agreed that I had ruptured my bag of water up near the top, which is why it wasn't a huge gush, and that they would still rupture my bag a little lower, once we got to the hospital. She called ahead to let labor and delivery know to expect me, while Rob and I quickly drove next door to McDonald's to eat something before I would be stuck not eating anything!!

When we got to the hospital it was about 9:30am and we were quickly checked into a room, and admitted. They hooked me up to an IV and said I could walk the halls. Here is a pic of me getting ready to walk the halls....I was really happy at the point (in between contractions) :)

We started walking the halls and that lasted all of 10 minutes before my contractions were so awful I needed to return to my room!! LOL! (We did NOT take a picture of that!)

At noon I got my epidural and then I was in heaven...it was by far the easiest and best epidural I've had. I think I was 4cm at that point. Then by about 2pm I was 8cm and by 4pm I was 10!!!!!

Can you tell I was excited??? :)

I pushed for about 10 minutes I guess....it was 2 contractions worth of pushing, so maybe not really 10 minutes. And little Ian was born at 4:15pm!

Proud Daddy!

That was pretty much it! We were discharged from the hospital about 26 hours after he was born! More pics to follow! :)

Sorry it took so long to post all this! I've been in baby bliss for the last week!

He's here!!!!!!!!!!

2011-04-05T21:47:00.001-04:00

Ian Gerard Holmes

April 5, 2011

4:15pm

8 pounds, 8 ounces

21 inches

Ian = "God is gracious"

Gerard = St. Gerard Majella's birthday is April 6th (my due date).

We are all doing great! Can't wait to fill you in on the birth story! :) Thanks for all the prayers!!!

I'm in Labor!!! update 3pm

2011-04-05T12:57:00.002-04:00

Will try to update! Had doc apptmt at 8:30am and she admitted me at 3cm. Walked halls for awhile and got epidural at 12:00pm.

12:30pm: 4cm Feeling great with my epi :)

***Update*** 2:30pm: 8cm!!!!!!!!!!!!!

39 weeks and everything's big!!!

2011-03-30T15:57:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday I went for my "39 week checkup", except according to my OBGYN, I was 38 weeks and 6 days, and she would not do a membrane sweep since I was not 39 weeks. I was a little perturbed....she laughed that I "probably wanted to smack her right now" and she couldn't have been more right!!! So I guess God really didn't want me to have it done...because if I haven't gone into labor by my next appointment, what's another few days??

I argued that according to my dates, I was really 39+2 weeks, but she wouldn't hear it. So we did a cervical check and the normal heartrate, blood pressure, weight check, etc.

If she hadn't told me that I had made progress....(I am now 1.5cm, 70% effaced and baby has moved down a tad to -2 station)...then I would have lost it. Despite the happy news that I am progressing down below, I was an emotional mess on Wednesday...crying over pretty much everything.

It seems pretty pathetic really. I have mood swings that take me from "why can't I just have go into labor now? I'm going to be pregnant for-ev-er!!!!!!" to "Hey, it's not like I can be pregnant for more than another week and a half! We are sooooo close!" And I can't help it....it's just one moment I'm feeling optimistic and dare I say patient, and then the next I'm an impatient little mess of a child.

My opinion on this is that first of all, most women around these last few weeks have a natural inclination to want to "be done" and meet their baby. You're tired, achy, emotional and want the baby out. It's hard to wait.

For those who have lost multiple pregnancies, I wonder if this time is even more difficult. Finally, I am really, possibly on the verge of meeting a baby who we have waited for... for well, about 3 1/2 years! We started losing babies when Isabel was 1 1/2 and now she is just about to turn 5! It's mind-blowing. And the last three weeks have been wrought with a renewed fear of "I'm so close....what if something goes wrong in these last few weeks?" "What if something goes wrong, and we could have taken him out early...like at 37 or 38 or 39 weeks?" I've been having to recommit myself to handing this over to God....in many small steps throughout each day. But to say that it's not been extra-emotional would be a lie.

Everything else from the appointment was great...except my weight gain!! *blush* I'm up to 53lbs gained so far! Oh boy....and you can see it ;)

Still, why deny it??? It's just the way I grow babies I guess ;)

Why pregnant women shouldn't hold containers of flour...

2011-03-28T17:38:00.000-04:00

Seriously???

I made Isabel take a picture of me and my mess...

Oh don't mind my disturbingly disheveled pantry....I had to reorganize it after I vaccummed out all the flour.

It was in every crevice, nook and cranny.

I blame my slippery pregnancy fingers.

38 week appointment and preparing.

2011-03-23T16:33:00.000-04:00

My 38 week appointment was more of a disappointment!

To hear that I am still 1cm, 50% effaced and -3 station for the THIRD WEEK IN A ROW was a bit frustrating, to say the least.

I know...quit complaining! The baby will come when he's ready!

In the meantime I feel like I need to prepare...
But lately I've been having thoughts of a different preparation.
Of course I have my lists for preparing for baby to arrive....all the things that are left "to-do" and of course the stuff that I make up to-do, so that I don't run out of things to-do!!
But yesterday as I was watering the grass by hand with the hose, this passage from the bible came to me:

³⁷"For the coming of the Son of Man will be just like the days of Noah. ³⁸"For as in those days before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark,
³⁹and they did not understand until the flood came and took them all away; so will the coming of the Son of Man be.

I stood there watering and thought that it could be just like that....I could be doing a regular everyday task...just like I was then....watering the lawn. Am I prepared?

And not even spiritual preparation (although I would argue that is the most important), but considering recent natural disasters like the earthquake and devastation in Japan, or the tornadoes last night in the midwest....am I prepared to deal with something like that?

Do I have food, water, batteries? How would I contact my family or friends if cell phone communication went down?

Preparation.

Is it stupid to be prepared for something that may or may not happen? Is it illogical to have a basic plan in the event of an emergency or natural disaster?

Some would argue "yes".

I happen to think it's smart.

And while I may be prepared to meet this baby, I am certainly under-prepared to meet some of these other circumstances.

It's time to start preparing.

Quick Takes Friday

2011-03-18T12:26:00.000-04:00

Wow...Friday again?? Where is the time going??

1. First, Rob is doing quite a bit better....I think yesterday (Day 8 since surgery) he started to turn a corner! Which is really good since his meds are starting to run out! He was up quite a bit yesterday, and talked more than I've heard him talk in the last week! He even was able to eat a little bit of pad thai!! Go baby! :)

2. Today is Rob's birthday! Happy 31st Birthday, Sweetie! Now we are on our way to 40! Okay...well, 35! ;)

3. I made a cheesecake for his birthday (thought it might be soft enough for him to have a few bites and it looks beautiful! I'm super excited about it! Maybe I will post a pic tonight once it's all chilled and birthday-ready with a candle! I hope it's delicious! I happen to LOVE cheesecake....who's birthday is it again?

4. I am sooooooo ready for this baby to come out. The newest thing going on with me is a sharp, searing hot pain in my right hip when I cough....lovely. And sometimes when I'm just sitting or standing around. Maybe I could cough the baby out....hmm....I'll have to try this!

5. My brother and his girlfriend brought me dinner last night (sooooo sweet!)....I chose sushi. Really good sushi. Yes, I know I shouldn't be eating raw fish when I'm pregnant...it was a roll and I think it had eel in it. And it was delicious...I do not feel guilty. It was so nice not to have to make dinner!!! Thanks Matt and Cassie!

6. The weather is GORGEOUS today....the high is supposed to be in the low 80s!!!!!!! I've been trying to do a little re-landscaping outside to put me into labor ;) And I'll have to get back out today and do some more!

7. This morning has been soooo productive! I'm really into productivity! I got up and showered, made coffee, made 2 batches of homemade potato soup (1 for us for dinner and 1 to take to a family who just had a baby), then I simultaneously made birthday pancakes for Rob as well as started the cheesecake!!! Oh wait, and I forgot that I made a chocolate pudding pie for the family who just had a baby, as well! Busy, busy, busy! But feels so good to get all that done and now I've got the rest of the afternoon free until I need to deliver the dinner tonight! Go me! Maybe all this action coupled with the supermoon tomorrow night will do the trick!

Update on Rob, Update on Me!

2011-03-15T15:18:00.000-04:00

Rob's Update Since Surgery

So Rob has had good days and bad days since his tonsillectomy, uvulectomy and septoplasty revision. Days 1 & 2 really surprised me with how well he managed the pain and how much he was alert, up and about and even talking! Then Day 3 hit and it was rough...days 4 and 5 have also been rough. Lots of pain in the throat, also referred to the ear. He has needed ice packs on his throat, and when we fall behind on his medicine it has not been pleasant!

He has been able to eat/drink: popsicles, ice cream, jello, pudding, gatorade, cold water, Kraf.t macaroni and cheese, chicken noodle soup (the Campbell's in the can with the really soft noodles), tapioca pudding, and that may be it! The problem we had Days 3-5 is that he hadn't really had enough to eat, and so with all the heavy meds it definitely made him feel rather loopy and unwell. I think maybe we've turned a bit of a corner today (Day 6) though....he's slept alot and still has alot of pain, but he's been smiling and talking a little bit more today :) Yay! Thanks for all the prayers...it's hard to see someone you love so much in so much pain and feeling so lousy.

My 37 Week Appointment Update

My OB appointment this morning was very uneventful. I had been feeling optimistic that something was progressing since I had been having menstrual-like cramps (light, but constant) all throughout the morning, but no! I have not progressed since last week:

36 weeks = 1cm, 50% effaced and -3 station
37 weeks = 1 cm, 50% effaced (or less!...she barely wanted to call me 50%) and I assume still -3. She said that my cervix was still long and not favorable! Rar! :(

The good news is that my blood pressure is great, my weight gain was amazing (only 1/2lb!!!) and if I haven't gone into labor by 39 weeks, she said they could strip my membranes. Hah...so I have that to "look forward" to!

I immediately proceeded home where I've spent the last hour or so bouncing on my exercise ball to the rhythm of "Get out! Get out!" ;)

No, I know we still need a few more days to get Rob healed up before baby boy decides to arrive, but it's the homestretch and I'm ready to see things happening rather than stall out.

Not too much longer....the days really will pass, right? ;) Three weeks is really only three weeks!

37 weeks....and look! My ankles aren't swollen in this picture! :)

Surgery success!

2011-03-10T16:32:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for praying for Rob! His surgery was a success this morning! He went in at about 10:30am and got out of surgery right at noon. I had to wait until 1pm before they would let me back into the recovery room because he took a little while to come out of the anesthesia.

The doctor said that he had to really dig his tonsils out (ouch!)...but that everything went just perfectly.

When I went back to the recovery room he looked so much better than I was expecting, and was already beginning to eat a popsicle, although still pretty groggy and tired, and of course he was in pain!

We have lots of meds to hopefully keep his pain under control...that was the biggest thing they told us: to stay on top of the pain meds and not miss a dose.....and also to stay hydrated!

Anyway, thank you soooo very much for all the prayers! I think that is why he did so well!

Prayer Request for DH on Thursday, 3/10 UPDATED

2011-03-08T15:29:00.001-05:00

Rob will be having a nose and throat surgery (septoplasty, tonsillectomy and uvulectomy) this Thursday at 1:00pm! Please pray for a safe and effective surgery and that his healing is quicker than expected, with no complications. The recovery for the tonsillectomy part is supposed to be the worst....10-14 days :(

Thank you so much!

I'll post an update to his surgery and also an update on the pregnancy soon after! :)

***UPDATED*** Rob's surgery has been moved up....we now have to be there at 8am instead of 11am, so that means he will probably head into surgery at around 10am! (Just in case you wanted to pray at the specific time).

Also, pray that his surgery doesn't put me into labor ;) At the OB appointment this morning (Wed. 3/9), she said I am 1cm, 50% effaced and baby is at -3 station!! I know, doesn't mean much- I could sit like this for weeks, but at the same time it's still exciting that something has happened since last week!!! Yikes!

February 28th, 2011...two years since we said, "goodbye".

2011-03-02T21:09:00.000-05:00

Monday, February 28th marked two years since we lost Mary Grace.

Rob and I were not together on Monday, and I regret it. We had both presented talks at an Engaged Encounter retreat over the weekend, and then on Sunday afternoon I went back to my parents' house in the mountains to spend a day before bringing Isabel back home on Tuesday, the 1st.

Monday went pretty well at first. I thought I could get away with acting indifferent that it was her anniversary. I didn't attend Mass like my mom suggested. I didn't put up a blog post. Although it was on my mind, I felt very casual about the day...until that evening. I was on the phone when I realized that the ballet class I was planning on putting Isabel in for the next session had just filled up and there were no more spaces available. I completely burst into tears on the phone with Rob. I'm sure he thought I was a crazy person...who else would sob like that over a missed ballet class??

I went to bed in tears that night. But it really wasn't about the ballet class.

The next morning (Tuesday) Isabel and I headed back home...a long 4.5 hour trip. That evening I was tired and impatient. It was getting to be way past Iz's bed time and without an afternoon nap these days, it is pretty critical to get her into bed on time. By the time Rob got home, it was 6:45pm. Honestly, I could have had Isabel in bed by 6:30pm that night! She was feisty and had some plan in mind to surprise Rob with something. She barked at us to not look in her room until she was ready. I told her she could meet us downstairs, but I was annoyed at her bossiness.

She takes her time and comes downstairs, commanding us to close our eyes. Come on Iz, it's getting late.
"Now Mommy, you can open your eyes." Okay Iz, (opening my eyes) but Daddy needs to eat his dinner.
"Not Daddy, just Mommy." Iz, I'm starting to get frustrated. Daddy can open his eyes.
"Okay, Mommy." (Rob taking this as a sign he can open his eyes, opens them).
Isabel loses it....bursts into tears... I lose it, because I am frustrated with the waiting game, impatient that she's not already in bed and not sure what the big deal is.
"Oh no, now it's ruined! I needed to tell him something before he opened his eyes", Isabel is crying.
What? I snap at her.
"I can't say it now, it's too late, it's already ruined." (Tears streaming down her face).
Iz! Stop it right now. If you want to tell him, then just tell him, otherwise we are going straight to bed!! (Me, more than frustrated at this point...angry and almost yelling.)
"I....I....," (she stutters)"....I need a hug!"
Okay, come here, (my voice more gentle). I hug her.
Now just tell Daddy...he didn't even really look at you, so just pretend he hasn't seen you yet and you can tell him.
"I..." *sniff* *tears* "can't remember what I was going to say," she says. (I'm immediately annoyed again. I'm tired of playing games.)
Okay, well we need to get to bed.
Isabel, who had dressed up in her most beautiful pink ballet tutu gown with pink floral dress up shoes, complete with tiara, and carrying a bouquet of fake violets, remembers what she was going to say and softly says,
"Happy Mary Grace's Anniversary, Daddy." Extending the bouquet of flowers toward him.

I absolutely burst into tears. How could I have been so ugly to her, so angry? Her whole plan was to wish her Daddy a "Happy Anniversary" for Mary Grace since we hadn't seen him the day before, on her actual anniversary. She wanted everything to be just right...and I had rushed it with my impatience, and ruined it.

Her kind, innocent little 4 1/2 year old heart had remembered from the day before about the anniversary (because we did not speak about it one time on Tuesday)....and she thought up all on her own a special way to show her Daddy Jesus' love, and I ruined it.

I absolutely wanted to die. Even typing this out a day later, I feel like the most horrible mother ever.

I apologized to her, and seconds later she was laughing and smiling as if nothing had ever gone wrong.

But it tears my heart apart every time I think about it.

Two years ago our whole family was affected by Mary Grace's death...now we are about to have a baby who didn't experience any of that. Whether or not I want to believe it, February 28th and the days surrounding it, do affect me. Thank God, He is always there to catch me when I fall. Because what a miserable fall yesterday was.

Quick Takes Friday #5

2011-02-18T21:11:00.000-05:00

My quick takes this week are recent comments I've gotten:

1. (At the grocery store). Clerk turns around from stocking shelves and exclaims, "Boy! You're ready to pop!" Well, not quite ready...six more weeks actually...thanks.

2. (Several places): "A boy and a girl! Now you're done, right?" No, *with a smile* actually we will take as many as God gives us. Response: Stunned silence or "Oh".

3. OBGYN: So what are you thinking in the way of family planning?
      Me: Oh we will have as many as God blesses us with.
      OBGYN: How old is your daughter now?
      Me: She's almost 5.
      OBGYN: So she'll be starting kindergarten in the fall or....
(Simultaneously) OBGYN: ...will you be homeschooling?
                               Me: We are homeschooling her.
OBGYN: That's what I thought!
(What is that supposed to mean? I've been analyzing this one for days! Did she assume that I homeschool because I'm willing to accept children as a gift from God? Did I exude homeschooling mom somehow? I should have asked her!)

4. (As Isabel and I are hurrying across the crosswalk in front of Target): Guy in giant lifted truck yells out, "Hey, don't you be runnin' across that street for no one! You deserve to take your time and walk!" LOL....guess he didn't want pregnant lady to trip and fall on her belly! ;)

5. (Isabel's 4 year old friend at church, with really wide eyes and pointing): "Woah! Look at your belly today!!!"

6. "It feels nice to be called 'big momma' doesn't it?"   Ummm.....yes and no! ;)

7. (Isabel after reading a story about a mommy getting ready to have a baby)...the story line goes "Hey your mommy looks like she just swallowed a basketball! She can't even button her coat!" Isabel exclaims: "Hey! That's just like you!"   Ahhh.....so true! ;)

Priceless!

A tearful Tuesday.

2011-02-16T19:54:00.000-05:00

Not sure what has gotten into me today, but I certainly woke up ready to cry....and cry I did...about almost everything today. I'm sure it's got to be hormones. I mean, I am after all just weeks away from delivery... and that's emotional all on it's own without the complication of this month being February.

February 2011. The end of this month brings the two year anniversary of losing Mary Grace. And for the last several weeks, I've been so elated and enchanted with the idea of having a new baby in our home, that at some points I even questioned (in my head) if all of this was real. "All of this" being losing our daughter two years ago. Did it really happen? It felt so far off....so long ago.

Until today.

About midway through my day, it suddenly felt very real. Memories and worse, the actual feelings of loss just hit me. So tonight I went back through my blog to remember where I was two years ago today. I was "expecting miracles", and today in 2011, I am literally expecting a miracle.

A short ten days from my expecting miracles post, brought the post we never wanted to write. So maybe today, I'm just weak with emotion, and filled with pregnancy hormones that have made me a weepy mess.

It's strange to be torn between two very opposite emotions...joy and sorrow. I'm so joyful about expecting our little miracle baby, and yet it's sorrowful to remember the loss of our little baby girl.

Today I'm just stuck in between.

Nursery Reveal!

2011-02-07T20:45:00.000-05:00

Bedding is a mish-mash of PB Kasey bumper and animal safari crib skirt.

The three picture frames above the crib are not filled with "real" pictures yet! LOL!

"Faith", "Hope" and "Believe" are inscribed on the mats.

I thought that was appropriate since all three have been important on our journey to expanding our family.

I just have to find the right pics to go in the frames!

I Can't Wait to Meet My Daddy by Kathleen Blease

And the softest little cuddly blue bear/blankie! I can't wait for him to be able to snuggle with this!

Homemade art! :)

Well, after all the struggle and strife painting this room has been, I think it turned out pretty good! ;) I'm not joking when I say that I will not repaint this room....even if we are blessed with twin girls next! I will find a way to make these stripes work.....for-ev-er!!!

Woah, Belly!!!

2011-02-06T17:05:00.000-05:00

32 WEEKS!!!

My last OB appointment was on 2/1 and everything is looking great. Well, there is that pesky little 8lb weight gain again...I suppose some people are just destined to gain 2lbs per week instead of the recommended one! My belly is measuring a week ahead, (so at 31 weeks I was measuring 32). My aches, pains, swelling hands and feet, headaches, heartburn, nausea, shortness of breath and dizziness are all normal at this stage! :) I've been having lots of trouble sleeping at night....restless legs and flipping from one side to other without being able to get into a good position. But it's so worth it to look at that picture and see that big belly and know that our little guy is alive and kicking and will be joining our family in just 8 *short weeks!

*Wishful thinking on the "short" part. Each day is starting to go by slower and slower with the anticipation and excitement building!

I go again to the doctor on the 15th and then 2 weeks later, then weekly! I just can't wait!

Quick Takes Friday #4

2011-01-28T14:25:00.000-05:00

1. I'm feeling good except for being tired and short-of-breath often! I think that is due to my low-iron issue, and even taking my iron supplements does not seem to be helping all that much. I will be 31 weeks on Sunday!

2. Okay, so actually I guess it's not technically Sunday that I turn 31 weeks...back when we had our anatomy ultrasound, my OB decided to bump my due date back 3 days to April 6th. So when people ask, I now tell them "April 6th" but I keep "updating" my week as if my due date were April 3rd (and have not changed my ticker at all)! I happen to like the "date" of April 6th, because it is also St. Gerard's birthday!!! Amazing! If you forgot, here is the post about my "run-in" with St. Gerard during this pregnancy.

3. I just saw that an article I wrote for Catholic Online back in July 2010 was linked on this blog! It's funny because I follow Simone's blog, but somehow missed this post, and only found it by googling "Mary Grace Holmes" and "St. Gerard" to try to find the name of my own St. Gerard post! LOL!

4. I'm currently reading three different books *blush*.... Father Elijah: An Apocalypse by Michael D. O'Brien, Catholic Education: Homeward Bound: A Useful Guide to Catholic Homeschooling by Kimberly Hahn and Mary Hasson, and Rediscovering Catholicism by Matthew Kelly. Yeah, it's quite a handful of reading material...not sure how I ended up reading all three of them at the same time, but that's what's going on!

5. My next doctor's appointment is Tuesday! I really look forward to them....it just gets us closer and closer to the Big Day!

6. Tonight we are going to see Cinderella performed by the local Christian Youth Theater group. I'm pretty excited about it! They take a story and put a spiritual twist on it, so I'm interested to see how they do it. We are taking Isabel...I'm hoping she will stay awake since it starts at her bedtime!

7. I am taking recommendations for a baby swing! We have this Fisher Price Aquarium swing from 5 years ago, but since it has been up in our attic, I guess the heat has done something (very bad) to the motor...and it is now useless. DH even took it apart to try to fix it, but it is done for! I really don't want to buy a brand new swing...we are looking around on craigslist for a deal, so if you have/had a swing that you bought within the last couple of years, leave me a comment with the type! Then I'll go and try to find the good ones on craigslist! Thanks :)

Absolutely in love!

2011-01-22T13:21:00.000-05:00

I'm head over heels in love with this little baby boy! He's not even here yet, but as each day draws closer to his arrival, my heart has been swelling with love and excitement! I cannot wait to count his fingers and toes, to watch him breathe, to see if he has a head full of hair, to hear those precious baby cries. He is going to arrive and add another member to our family....okay so that might have already been obvious to everyone, but for me it has been this sort of slowly unfolding revelation. Sure, I've understood it in my head, but wrapping my heart around it....that we will really have another living, breathing, comes-home-to-live-with-us child (!) is just so joyously overwhelming!

My head swims with the idea lately....and sometimes I have to put the thought "away" because it is simply overwhelms me with emotion.

Everything is making this reality more clear: from my ever expanding belly, to the way we've been incorporating the new baby into our everyday speech (to get Isabel more and more accustomed to the idea), to the way this boy just rolls and stretches in my belly like he is ready to evacuate!

He is coming in just a scant 10 weeks!!!

I can barely contain myself! God is indeed wonderful and gracious! And somehow, though we cannot always "see" and understand it, His timing is perfect. It has indeed taken time for me to appreciate this, and there are days when I wonder why it could not be the way I had originally intended it. But through my story I have been able to witness to others of God's love and faithfulness....what would I have had to witness about had I not experienced the pain of suffering infertility and losing babies?

Lord, my prayer is that I may not lose sight of the preciousness of life, which only You give and take. Please let others see it too! And bless those struggling with infertility and/or pregnancy loss, that they might find strength in You during their darkest moments! Bless those who desire a child, with a healthy pregnancy or a smooth adoption! Put your hand over those who are currently pregnant that both mother and child would be strong and healthy. Always Lord, turn our hearts to You, that we might know true life in your son, Jesus.

29 weeks

2011-01-17T19:03:00.000-05:00

Quick Takes Friday #3

2011-01-14T17:53:00.000-05:00

1. I was totally blessed by a friend this week who gave me a TON of little boy clothes! I had so much fun pouring through box after box of clothing that I didn't even care when my back started hurting from bending over all these precious little outfits! It was like opening Christmas presents. I swear she had some of the cutest boy clothing I've seen, and that made me really excited, because as a mommy to a little girl, I know there is adorable girl stuff out there. But everytime I'd peek into the boy section of the stores, I was kinda disappointed. Well, now I don't have to be because I am set until Baby Boy Holmes is 2!!!

2. I've decided not to have a baby shower. While I was approached by several sweet friends offering to throw us one, I just felt like I couldn't have one before the baby is born. Too much has been uncertain during the last 4 pregnancies for me to feel "safe" having a shower. I don't really want to say that I'm superstitious and that having a baby shower will somehow "jinx" this pregnancy, because that sounds really stupid and I know it's not true. But I guess there is some part of me that doesn't feel right about having a full-blown party celebrating a baby coming before he is physically in my arms, safe and sound. Hopefully people will understand that. We are looking forward to having a "Meet the New Baby" party once he arrives...maybe a cookout or something!

3. Painting the nursery was a huge project, but I'm glad that we did it and that DH helped out....because I learned that even though I think my way is best, it's not necessarily the case ;) There can be two equally good ways of taping horizontal stripes on the walls....I just need to mellow out sometimes and let people help me. (Thanks Rob for hanging in there with me!) ;) I'll post more pics when I get it all put together :)

4. The last two days I've been on and off the heating pad...my back has been sore in three different areas. And I've been having some lower back crampiness...I get my period cramps in my lower back, so I'm keeping an eye on it in case it turns into more than just crampiness. Kinda strange. I'm trying to remember to offer up all these little aches and pains! I know I can put any discomfort to good use if I am just intentional about it!

5. We've decided to do the circus instead of Lion King this year. The cheapest tickets left are $90 a piece (since I didn't buy them back in October) so it is just more economical to go this year to the circus. I have seen Lion King before and it was SPECTACULAR! I would love to go again and take DH and DD, but hopefully it will come back into town in a few years and DD might better appreciate it in a few years. Thanks for all your votes ;)

6. DD has been obsessed with "having babies"....Whether it is requesting to watch "A Baby Story", or asking me to be the doctor so that she can deliver her own babies (Oh yes, I "delivered" two sets of twins just today....one batch was natural and one was a C-section), and her dollhouse family has been having babies too...including a newborn stegosaurus. It has been such a trip!

7. Looking forward to a much-needed date night tonight with DH. We are going out for BBQ (closest thing to Texas-style BBQ that we have here in NC), and hopefully I can lure him into doing a bit of nursery accessory shopping!

Quick Takes Friday #2

2011-01-07T00:01:00.013-05:00

Find more at ConversionDiary.com

1. I've been devoting 4 hours a day for the last 2 days to painting the nursery and I'm not even halfway there! Let me just say that taping horizontal lines is....well, less than fun. I don't care if we have twin girls next, whoever winds up in the nursery next is keeping the same paint colors!!! As you can see I even turned over some of the work to DD!

2. Isabel has started taking pictures of me with my Olympus SLR...they are less than flattering (no offense Iz!), and thanks to her, I've realized that I'm now sporting my very unattractive pregnancy double-chin. :( Not pleased.

3. Current household debate (yes, two 30 year olds debating a 4 1/2 year old makes for a good time!): Go see The Lion King (Broadway South Series) or go to the circus???

4. Yesterday we celebrated Three Kings Day and the night prior we did in fact leave out a bowl of grass and a bowl of water for the kings' camels....Isabel was delighted when the grass and water bowls were empty Thursday morning! We also ~~gave each other very small gifts~~ received very small gifts from the three kings. I got a bottle of nail polish :)

5. I made Karen's Chocolate Guinness Stout Cake yesterday (because I had been craving it for about a week!) and if you have not tried it, it is just the BEST! One of my all-time fave cakes....and DH's too! Of course it's probably not helping my double-chin..... ;) but it's too delicious for me to care!!

6. DH and I knocked out Isabel's "before bedtime show" and replaced it with family prayer time. So it didn't go over too well when I announced it that way to her, but now that we've been doing it these first few days of January she's jumped right in and even reminds us that we need to have prayer time. (Kids are so adaptable!) We have either been saying a rosary or the Divine Mercy Chaplet. And the real benefit is that it is true "family time". Before when she would watch a show, Rob and I would both be preoccupied on the computer, so each family member was really having their own isolated time...and now...well what can I say? We're bonding! ;) It just feels like a much healthier dynamic we've got going on now.

7. The sentence "if you notice any frantic activity, contact your healthcare provider" in my baby book has always unnerved me. I mean, what the heck does "frantic activity" by a baby in the womb feel like? And once I figure it out, would it be too late?? One night this week I woke up and rolled onto my right side and within about a minute noticed what felt to me like "frantic activity". I panicked a little, but kept lying there almost too afraid to move, until I realized I needed to get on my left side and see if it got better. Well as soon as I got to my left side, all movement stopped and I was completely freaked out. So I roll back to my right side and then the activity picks up but now it just feels like normal movement. Ugh....talk about not being able to sleep the rest of the night. I thought I was going to have to sleep with the doppler on my belly. So the worry has not completely ceased during this pregnancy....I suppose it will be like that until I deliver. I'm still praying every day for a healthy outcome and a baby to bring home!

27 week update!

2011-01-04T08:51:00.000-05:00

I was supposed to have a 26+1 day OB appointment and glucose tolerance test, but the beautiful snow caused the office to reschedule me a week later.

So yesterday I went in and drank the flat, syrupy, orange flavored drink and had an appointment. I was so relieved that I had only (ha! ONLY) gained 9lbs over the last 5 weeks. I was thinking it would be more like 13lbs!! Yikes! My OB was completely unphased by 9lbs and said I was "doing great"! Overall, I am up 24lbs at 27 weeks. Blood pressure was normal, stomach is measuring right on track. They drew my blood an hour after drinking the glucose drink and hopefully they will call me with the results...I forgot to ask! I have one more appointment that is 4 weeks away, and after that I go 2 weeks, 2 weeks and then 1, 1, 1 until baby is born!

As far as aches and pains go, I still have the numbness/tingling/pins and needles feeling in my left leg only. Doctor says it is baby's position on a nerve...and I've basically gotten used to it. It is constant, but sometimes more irritating than others. Also as of yesterday, I've developed a lower back pain which again, is not very painful, just a little uncomfortable and irritating....it feels more like an "old person" back pain. I keep reminding myself that I AM five years older than when I last experienced being this far along in a pregnancy.

Rob and I are in the process of looking at (and differing over!) paint colors for the baby's room. We have very different ideas of what this room should look like! LOL! I went into hyper-nesting mode on Sunday and about drove him crazy. He was driving me a little crazy too....I kept sending him "away" and then calling him back only to say, "Why aren't you helping me with this?" Yes, pregnancy can do strange things to you. But seriously, there are only 3 months left until this baby is due and I've got to get on the ball!!

Prayer Buddy Reveal!

2010-12-27T16:50:00.000-05:00

I felt very blessed to be able to pray for Laura at http://nomoreweightforme.blogspot.com/ this Advent! It is a gift to be able to pray for others as well as when we are prayed for!

I enjoyed getting to learn about Laura through her blog, and can't wait to continue following her journey of losing weight and praying for her to be able to start a family too!

God bless you Laura! :)

Christmas, Snow and Belly Pics!

2010-12-26T16:47:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!! We are so blessed by all of you!

This was the main picture we used for our Christmas card! (I say "main" because we used 4 pics in our card- I may have to scan it, because it turned out pretty cute!)

And here is the snow we woke up to the morning after Christmas! So not officially a white Christmas for us, but close enough to make me deliriously happy!

And I forced Rob out into the blizzardy conditions to take a few pics of me and the belly in the snow! ;) The snowflakes made it a bit difficult to get a clear pic, but you get the idea! The belly is definitely growing!

I have an OB appointment tomorrow morning, but we'll see if the roads are passable! I'm 26 weeks today, so I'm scheduled for the glucose tolerance test tomorrow as well. And of course, I just can't wait to see how much weight I've gained from all the glorious holiday food I've eaten! LOL! :)

My first "Quick Takes" one day late!

2010-12-18T10:08:00.001-05:00

1. Isabel discovered one of her Christmas presents about 5 days ago. In DH's office closet. It is an art easel which he had not covered (!!!) and she went in to look for something, came out and said nothing. Yesterday she finally comes up to me with a somber face and says, "Mommy, I think I've ruined my Christmas surprise!" and about bursts into tears! Poor thing! I told her that since her cousins are coming for Christmas, that the easel may not in fact be for her and even though she accidentally saw it she will just have to wait to check the tag on Christmas morning to see if it is really a present for her! Bless her heart.

2. DH is deer hunting. This is the 3rd or 4th trip to hunt this season and likely the last (since deer hunting ends Dec. 31st), and he has not gotten anything! There hasn't even been a deer sighting any time he's gone! It's been very frustrating for all of us. Surprising fact, but last year he shot 3 deer and we basically ate deer meat (over ground beef) for the entire year...I've learned alot about cooking deer in the last year ;) Most important in my book of deer meat tips: don't eat the bucks! Wayyyy too gamey!

3. I was just amazed last night at a Cyber Baby Shower I attended for Sew Infertile! First, she and her baby are gorgeous. Her family is just the cutest! TCIE who organized it all is simply amazing for coordinating everything! It was so fun to see and hear other bloggers whom I read regularly! I was just overall very impressed! Who knew a cyber shower could be so much fun??

4. We're possibly going to get a little bit of snow tonight (a little bit like an inch)...but I LOVE the winter weather, so I will take any I can get! They had snow showers in the forecast for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but have now taken them out :( So bummed. Really, I'm an inclement weather junkie. Snow storms, thunderstorms, tornadoes...it all fascinates me! I never wish for destruction or damage obviously, but I'm just fascinated by how intense weather can be sometimes.

5. Isabel came down with a fever (102.0) Thursday, the day before we were supposed to go to our first ARCH (Association of Roman Catholic Homeschoolers) activity which was a craft-making fair. To say I was disappointed was an understatement. I have not made any Catholic homeschooling friends yet and we are halfway through our first year of homeschooling! I've got to get on the ball! And I'm worried that once new baby gets here it will significantly decrease my ability/desire to get out and do more activities like this.

6. Our cat, Kee Kee is always a pest around Christmas time. He consistently drinks (all) the water from under our Christmas tree and if we happen to leave a wrapped present under the tree, he unwraps it (or does his best) in the middle of the night. Oh, not to mention all the ornaments he bats off during the night. *sigh* If Kee Kee is my biggest battle this Christmas, I'm doing pretty good ;)

7. I'm looking forward to Christmas Eve Mass. I LOVE it. I love that the sanctuary is decorated with poinsettias and Christmas trees. I love the joyful music! I love that the anticipation of Christ being born is finally ready to be fulfilled! I love the warmth and love of family (who normally wouldn't attend) going with us to Mass...the way it should be. I love especially that I am pregnant during Christmas (I'll be almost 26 weeks then)...it makes it more real to think of Mary carrying baby Jesus in her womb. Although it is rather crazy to realize that I've been pregnant 4 out of the 8 Christmases that DH and I have been married...I'm so excited that this time I feel like I'm at a place where I can truly enjoy and bask in the excitement and wonder of being pregnant with a baby we hope to be able to keep! Thank you God!

Be still and know that I am here.

2010-12-11T09:00:00.000-05:00

I think the Lord has been trying to send me a message through my baby.

Lately I've been running around here and there....there is so much to be completed before Christmas!

Christmas shopping.
Ooops, gotta run to the grocery store we are out of milk (actually in our house it's eggnog).
Couldn't find all the Christmas gifts at store A, make a list of more stores to try.
Time for school.
Time for a playdate.
Run to the post office for Christmas stamps.
Wait....did I order the Christmas cards yet?
Where is the order for a Christmas gift that I placed back in mid-November?
Not to mention dirty dishes, laundry, the bathrooms need cleaning again, are we going to finish putting up the Christmas lights on our house?

Wait....have I felt baby move today?.....In the busyness of this time of year, I am moving around so much I haven't noticed if the baby has been moving. So I stop and am still....and I wait....and yes, baby is moving.

And I realize that with all this rushing around, if I haven't even noticed the baby moving within me, how can I notice the baby who is to be born to us on Christmas day? Have I taken the time to notice Jesus today?

Be still and know that I am here. "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10.

The God-child is getting ready to be born. Will our hearts be still enough to know when He is here?

Holly, Jolly Choices at Shutterfly!

2010-12-08T13:26:00.000-05:00

Yes, I use them too!

Shutterfly is offering some terrific Christmas cards in their selection this year!

Classic black and whites with an elegant appeal such as Oh Holy Night featured below:

Or perhaps you want to show off as many pictures as you can fit!

Picture Tree offers that option! I love the idea of being able to fit eight pictures into one card!!

One of my favorite features and why I like to use Shutterfly, is that you can sort the Christmas cards by "religious Christmas cards" and that is a key feature for me, because if it doesn't say "Merry Christmas" or have some sort of religious Christmas theme, then you probably won't see it arrive in your mailbox...at least not from our household. I think it's important to keep the Reason for the season front and center!

I love Wishing You a Christ-filled Christmas shown below:

Room for four pictures and a beautiful message??? I'm loving it!

Shutterfly is also offering a promotion for bloggers to create a post like this showcasing some of your favorite Shutterfly cards to be able to receive 50 free Christmas cards, but hurry because this deal is ending soon....like at the end of the week!

Get on over to Shutterfly so you don't miss out on a beautiful Christmas card opportunity! Already ordered your cards?? Shutterfly has photo calendars, photo mugs (great gift idea for someone!) and holiday invitations as well. Happy shopping!

Prayer Buddy, I have a request! UPDATED!

2010-12-06T16:30:00.001-05:00

This sounds silly, but to me it is just devastating...tragic (okay so I'm a little dramatic over this)!

I've lost my Christmas CDs!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, my entire collection of Christmas cds...the whole case....just gone.

So prayer buddy, if you could ask St. Anthony for his intercession, I would really appreciate it!

I've searched the entire house, the car, the garage....even called work to ask them to search there.

I have had pregnancy brain really bad this go round, but I really have no idea where these cds could be.

Thanks for the prayers!

UPDATED 12/8!!! Prayer Buddy, you are good!!! My husband found my cds this morning in our garage. Not sure how they got there...maybe they slipped out of something, but I really can't believe that's where they were! Anyway I was SOOOOOOOOOO excited to have them back! Thanks for the prayers! :)

Hello December!

2010-11-30T20:45:00.000-05:00

I went to confession last Saturday to jump-start my Advent and it has really helped to set me out on the right foot and to get my attitude more in line with the season. My priest basically said the same thing that I've already been told! "We all have dry times" and "You are being a little too hard on yourself" (in regards to my prayer life seeming to be lacking).

He recommended that I use "less words" when I pray.

I don't know what happens in the confessional, but I just start rambling sometimes (maybe trying to over-explain things) and as I was doing this, I could see in his eyes (I go face-to-face) that he was thinking, "Woah there, slowwww down."

So now that I have a cleansed and renewed heart and soul, I really do feel refreshed and eager to prepare for Jesus!

My Advent plans include:

*Advent Prayer Buddies: I'm so happy to be able to pray for my assigned prayer buddy this season!
*Advent Special Intention: I'm praying for God to work some special blessings, and know that He alone can move hearts toward His will.
*Advent Prayer Tree: This is a tradition that I grew up with as a child and have continued it since we have had Isabel. I take a small Christmas tree and print out names of friends, family and other special people; tie them up with some red ribbon and we pick one scroll off the tree at dinner to pray for as a family. I love that this teaches Isabel that during Advent we can do little things (like offer our prayers for other people), and that can help prepare our own heart for Jesus' birth!

*Decorating! Okay so everyone does this, but I LOVE putting out all of our Christmas decor...and playing the Christmas music that goes along with it! It feels so "right" to have the house decorated for Christmas. All the work that goes into decorating reminds me that it is so worth the time and effort! We are decorating for the coming of our Lord and Savior! What a beautiful thing! I think we're getting our Christmas tree on Thursday....can't wait!
*Teaching!...My little one that is, about the beauty and wonder of preparing our hearts and waiting with eager hope for Jesus! Who knew that I would love homeschooling and watching her learn and grow so much?? My lesson plans for the next four weeks all revolve around Advent...I'm super excited about the laminated, traceable seasonal vocab words I made for her today (she is big into tracing her letters and probably loves dry erase markers a little too much).

I mean, seriously, who wouldn't love to teach her?

I'm looking forward to it all, and hoping that in it all I can draw closer to God and better appreciate the reality of Christ our King, born to us as a little child.

And for the pregnancy update:

Here's my 21 1/2 week belly shot.

I had an OBGYN appointment on the 11/29 and had gained *gasp* 8lbs in the last 4 weeks! Okay, so that may be shocking to you, and while I was a little surprised it was that much, I wasn't very concerned.... I saw a new doc who was a little shocked and who clearly had no idea how much I gained with Isabel! LOL! Overall being up 15lbs from the beginning of my pregnancy is SUPER good in my opinion! ;)

We are no closer to a name...in fact, it's become more of a game/battle between Rob and I to even discuss names. So you are still in suspense, as we are! ;)

The Pre-Advent Slump.

2010-11-20T13:18:00.000-05:00

So I'm halfway there and I have so much to celebrate! This baby is still growing inside me! Things are going right. The baby looks healthy. It's a sweet little baby boy, a new chapter for our family in many ways! And yet while I'm thankful and truly full of praise and wonder that God would allow us another opportunity to be parents to a little soul on earth, I'm also feeling farther from Him than I have in awhile.

I'll call it my "Pre-Advent Slump".

In my times of sorrow and grief, most especially after losing Mary Grace, I was so close to the Lord. It felt as if he had nestled me right next to His heart and carried me for days and months. I had a better understanding of suffering and how it brought me closer to Him, and how it was useful for other souls as well.

And now that I have crossed through that "valley of death" of loss and infertility, it is as if the Lord has set me back down to walk on my own again. I don't feel His presence like I did in the valley. I know that He is still there. He hasn't stopped walking by my side. But perhaps, now that I am in a "good place" in my life with things going amazingly well I have forgotten to turn to Him. My suffering has been removed and replaced with great joy, but at the same time it is a lonely feeling. To be carried by the Lord and then to be set down to walk on your own is more difficult than I had imagined.

Some people won't understand this. So let me clarify a few things. I don't wish to be in the past. I don't want to be stuck back in the pain of infertility, and I don't want to lose any more babies. But it was in that suffering that the Lord drew me to Him in a new way...and it was the most beautiful place to be. In a way I would almost explain it to be like those people who have had a near-death experience and seen the light of heaven, only to be sent back to their earthly life with disappointment that it wasn't their time to be with God. I think it would be like that. I have had that taste of closeness with the Lord and now I no longer have it and even joy seems muted.

Maybe it is something you only experience during suffering. Or maybe after He set me back down, I stumbled from His path. Different roads caught my eye and I was lured the wrong way, not necessarily into sin, but into complacency and self-reliance. I know God doesn't push me away, so maybe I have been pushing Him away without even meaning to.

And it's not as if I've been skipping Mass or jumping into huge piles of sin either. It's more like my prayer life has faltered. In these "good times" it is easier to be lacking in a complete and utter dependence on God. I have been starting to subconsciously feel like I can do this on my own...see how well everything is going? And while saying that out loud brings me to the quick realization that that is simply not so (I know in my heart that everything...every breath, every beat of my heart is because God allows it), my prayer life does not reflect that reality.

I thank God during our morning prayer, mealtime prayers and Isabel's bedtime prayers and here and there throughout the day for that random baby kick, or Isabel's 4 year old humor, or Robert's patience with pregnant-old-me. But there is nothing beyond that.

What I know is that prayer life takes work and I have not been lifting any "spiritual weights" if you will. I know there are times when I will feel spiritually "dry", but I've got to lift myself out of the rut of self-reliance and get back into completely relying on my Creator for all that goes on....the good and the bad.

Somehow for me, it was easy to rely on Him in the bad....but is much tougher to rely on Him in the good.

So on that note I'm glad that Advent is right around the corner! Lent and Advent are my favorite liturgical seasons because as a Type-A I need to PREPARE! And by the time that they get here, my heart is in deep need of new preparation...like soil that needs to be tilled.

What are my plans for Advent to get my soul into better spiritual shape?? More about that in the next post, and I'll humor you then with a belly shot too.

Please lift this family up in prayer!

2010-11-18T16:37:00.001-05:00

Megan at Heart of St. Monica alerted me to this sweet family's website several days ago, and I have been following the birth of their sweet little son, Jedidiah Joseph who was diagnosed in utero with Trisomy 13.

He lived for 13 days, but passed away last night. Please send a prayer to Our Most Holy Father for this family during the difficult days ahead.

What a testament to the value of life and dignity of the human person this family has been! Thank you for covering them in prayer!

Almost 19 weeks!

2010-11-06T10:14:00.000-04:00

Good news! I'm officially off my progesterone in oil shots! (Which is really great because I only had like 1 more dose left before I would have had to refill it- another $75!). Dr. C emailed me that my last progesterone draw showed levels at 58.6 at 18 weeks and 2 days. I will recheck my levels in one month just to make sure they are still hanging in there! But no more needles! Hooray!

We hit another milestone which was Rob getting to feel baby boy Holmes kick for the first time (18 weeks 4 days). The kicks and pokes are definitely getting stronger...in fact I remember thinking this with Isabel too that the kicks would gradually get strong, but no, it's just been a huge jump from weak movements to pretty significant ones! Which makes everything so much more real. I'm LOVE, LOVE, LOVING it!!!

I can tell Rob is very excited about having a boy, and he has started acting even more loving (as if that were possible ;) ) since finding out the gender of this little baby. I'm getting the "you're just radiant today" and an increased number of random "I love you" comments and some belly rubbing too :) It's quite adorable and I have to say that I don't mind all the extra attention.

We are very slowly talking over some names....and I mean slowly. Poor Rob...he has to deal with my Type A-need to make a list-need to have the name picked out 6 months in advance- personality! He is very laid back and would not mind showing up to the hospital without a name, waiting to see what this baby looks like when he pops out and deciding on a name then.

The thought of it leaves me totally stressed out!

I did compromise with him though. If we had a list of names, I agreed we could take that list and out of those pre-chosen names we could select the official one once the baby is here. I would definitely be able to do that, but not arrive to the hospital with nothing to go on!

In fact, I kind of prefer that idea...having a list of names which I'm all for not sharing! It's funny with Isabel we picked her name out way in advance and we were not shy about letting others know! But with this baby, I think it may have to do with that uncertainty that lingers about whether or not he will actually arrive. So the name may be a secret until he gets here....I guess we will all just have to wait and see!

Tomorrow I will be 19 weeks! Can't believe I'll be just a week away from the halfway point! Thank you God!

Ultrasound Pictures :)

2010-11-01T08:02:00.000-04:00

A picture of our family on this happy day!

Anatomy Scan Update!

2010-10-29T10:34:00.000-04:00

Praise Jesus!!! This baby is as healthy as can be! All the measurements and organs looked great and right on track! Baby weighs 7 ounces at 17 weeks 5 days.

And.......

it's a BOY!!!

Our ultrasound tech was so sweet....she had also had an anatomy scan which did not go well in a previous pregnancy, so she totally understood our nervousness AND she told me as she was looking at each part if it was appearing normal! I couldn't have asked for a more understanding and kind sonographer! Thank you God! To top it all off, she is also pregnant with a boy and due in April!!

We are just on cloud nine and so thankful that God has allowed us to be pregnant with a healthy little boy! I feel like now I might actually be able to sit back and really enjoy the rest of this pregnancy; allow myself to revel in the magic and wonder of it all instead of living with fear and hesitations that it might not work out.

Baby boy was not shy about showing his parts multiple times! I will be getting pictures from the scan up soon! DH and I are going out for a dinner date/celebration to The Melting Pot tonight and finally we will get to start discussing some names!!

*Sigh* What a relief! I am just so thankful for all of your prayers! I know that they helped :)

Stressing this week...

2010-10-26T12:09:00.000-04:00

So I've been a wreck since Friday the 22nd. I haven't meant to be, but after having an emotional meltdown in front of my parents, my mom embraced me in a hug and asked, "Are you worried about the big ultrasound next Friday?"

It wasn't until it was vocalized that I was able to acknowledge why I've been a grumpy, sobbing, snappy mess for the last several days. I am completely anxious over our upcoming anatomy scan. Usually I only break down a few days before a regular ultrasound, but considering this is "the big one" I should have known that this would be a rough week.

The anatomy ultrasound is the one in which we found out that things were terribly wrong with Mary Grace. It was literally the ultrasound that changed our lives forever. We went in with joy and excitement about simply finding out our baby's sex. I had not a care in the world, and had not once considered that something could be wrong with her. We left that appointment with the knowledge that our baby would probably not live. So I guess that it is reasonable for me to be worried, anxious and nervous that this big ultrasound on Friday will not go well for our newest little addition currently growing in my womb. I do have a bit of excitement over hopefully finding out the gender, but that is definitely overwhelmed by the fear that something will not be right.

I feel silly too, not having expected this sort of reaction from myself. Afterall, for the last 2 months I've been rehearsing the first thing I will say to the ultrasound tech at this anatomy scan: "I need you to tell us as soon as you see that something is wrong." Yeah, not a very optimistic outlook, I know! It's not that I'm truly expecting something to be wrong exactly...I think it's more of a way for me to prepare myself in case something isn't right.

So after the meltdown in front of my parents (umm....very unusual for me, by the way) on Saturday, and chewing on this realization that I'm on pins and needles over this ultrasound, we went to Mass on Sunday. The homily was on being open to the truth in your own life...and I had to accept that I'm not holding it together like I think that I am! When we stood up to say the Creed, I noticed on the pew directly in front of me, a piece of paper with a saint intently looking down at a crucifix he was gently holding..."Wow", I thought, "that looks a whole lot like St. Gerard...wouldn't that be something if a St. Gerard (the patron saint of expecting mothers!!) card was sitting right in front of me? It would be like a sign or something."

I stared closer and could see "Majella" printed on the end of the card....St. Gerard Majella....that would be him. Convinced that this was a sign for me, I thought to myself, "okay, this lady in front of me is literally sitting with her purse on this card, so it has to be hers. If she doesn't take it after Mass, it must really be meant for me."

Well, guess who left the card sitting directly in front of me???

I picked it up and took it home.

From the card: "Saint Gerard's dominant virtue - trust in God's providence" and "His favorite expression, 'God will provide'".

"Over two hundred years ago, the saint once remarked: 'If anyone unable to bear the sufferings which God has sent him, calls on me for help...or if I hear of such a one, I will pray that God give him the grace of conformity with His holy will.'"

It may be guaranteed to be a rough week for me emotionally, but as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus, like St. Gerard in the picture, and can place my trust in God's providence....He will provide for me no matter what happens at Friday's ultrasound.

And just to show you that my belly is in fact growing, here is a belly pic from this Sunday at 17 weeks. Thanks for any prayers you could send my way this week! I will update again on Friday!

16 weeks

2010-10-17T12:28:00.000-04:00

Each week keeps passing by and I can hardly believe that I'm still pregnant and things are going so well.

The movement that I "thought" was the baby, most definitely was! And has been increasing in frequency and strength. Yay! Grow baby, grow!

Also, I was so blessed by my friend Amber, who offered to let me borrow her fetal heart doppler! On those days where I've been too busy to notice any movement, I use it to reassure myself that he or she is still alive in there! It is just wonderful.

I had a regular OB appointment Friday, the 15th and everything went well. Although my doctor is of course strongly urging me to get the flu shot. Now normally I have no problem with this except for all the stories I've read about women losing their pregnancies last year after receiving the H1N1 shot. So this year, with it being a combined flu shot I have some reservations about getting it. My OB was very persistent..."pregnant women are the highest risk category", "there is no statistical evidence to link the H1N1 vaccine to miscarriages or autism", "we had women in the hospital from this, women died!", "1 in 3 women miscarry anyway"....okay got it. But I don't want to be one of the ones to miscarry! So the dilemma is: am I better protecting my baby by not getting the flu shot or by getting it?? Would LOVE to hear your comments on this...especially if you are pregnant- what did you do?

The rest of the appointment was fine..heard baby's heartbeat on doppler. Doc is guessing it's a girl...just for the fun of guessing. My anatomy ultrasound is scheduled for October 29th (JUST 2 WEEKS away!!!), so I can't wait to see if this baby is healthy and of course (hopefully) find out the gender! I've gained 6 pounds in 6 weeks (which quite frankly I'm happy about seeing as it is the ONLY weight I've gained this far which had been making me nervous).

It's strange to think that a year ago on October 15th, Rob and I attended an "October 15th" Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day service in Raleigh, as we remembered and mourned the loss of Mary Grace and our other babies. And a year later I was celebrating the new life thriving in me, and celebrated our family and life in general by attending the NC State Fair.

Last update is that my last progesterone check was 44.2 at 14 weeks 2 days which is very good. Dr. C has now bumped me down to just 100mg 2x/week instead of the 200mg 2x/week I was on.

And yes, I'm overdue for a belly shot....I'll take one soon! I promise!

Quick update!

2010-10-05T19:38:00.000-04:00

Okay so I am 14 weeks 2 days today and just started my PIO shots back up. I will be heading to the lab sometime this week to get my progesterone levels redrawn. I feel more reassured (basically from everyone's comments) that everything should be okay even though I've been off PIO for about 2 1/2 weeks! (Yikes!)

My nausea is all gone...thank you second trimester! And thank you God for letting me get this far in my pregnancy. Every day is just amazing to me that I am here, right in this spot in my life, pregnant....again. What a blessing, and I literally say a big "thank you" to our Lord every day for this privilege.

Of course it's hard/impossible to know if things are going okay in there at this point. And I've been wavering on whether to buy a fetal heart doppler (found used ones for as cheap as $50 on craigslist, but I'm still too frugal to pay that!)...but I kept thinking any time now I could possibly start to feel some movement since this is not my first baby. And the last two days I feel almost totally sure that I have felt the baby move! No kicks.. it feels more like a rolling or turning inside. It seems so early, but I remember going to the OBGYN for an appointment while I was pregnant with Mary Grace at 12 weeks and the nurse asked if I had felt any movement yet, and I said, "seriously?" and she said it was possible! So I guess it can really start this early!

Feeling some movement is enough to give me a bit of peace of mind. My next OBGYN appointment is on the 15th and it really is just a week and a half away now. October is so busy for us...there is something going on every weekend, and so far we've been really busy during the weekdays as well, so I'm hoping the time will fly by to the 15th!

Oh and my crazy not-being-to-empty-my-bladder problem due to my stubborn uterus has finally resolved itself...haven't had any trouble in over a week!! Which is a huge praise! I guess it makes sense that my uterus has finally found it's correct position as my belly is starting to poke out a little bit more....so yay! :) I'll take another belly shot hopefully this Sunday at 15 weeks.

This has turned into a longer update than I intended! :) But I did take the plunge and check out a "new baby on the way" book from the library for Isabel...you know...trying to work her into the reality that we hope plays out come April. We got the Berenstain Bears and the New Baby...and to my surprise it is her favorite library book of the week. She has asked to read it every day during lunch since we've had it!

Freaking out a little regarding progesterone!

2010-09-28T12:53:00.000-04:00

So NaPro nurse calls and tells me my progesterone at 11wks4days had gone down to 39.0 and while they expect a slight decrease around this time, Dr. C wants me to continue with the PIO shots and draw my levels again in 2 weeks.

Well....big problem... 11wks4days was also my last PIO shot. She hadn't given me another prescription and I assumed (yes, I know what they say about assuming)....that since she hadn't called with my progesterone level and hadn't called in a new prescription that everything was okay. Since she said that we would likely stop PIO at 12 weeks depending on my levels.

So I'm a little bit freaking out. I asked the nurse...."So is it a problem that I haven't had a PIO shot in about a week and a half??" And she asked Dr. C and called me back and they are refilling my prescription and sending me a lab order to get my blood drawn sooner than later. She never answered if it was a problem.

So now I'm wondering how much damage I've done by not being on PIO for this long with already decreased levels???

Yeah, I'm having a little bit of a melt down about it. :( I just feel so stupid. I should have called a week ago..I just kept forgetting or putting it off and then we were out of town...and now here we are a week and a half later.

Crap.

Cyst, what cyst?

2010-09-20T14:19:00.000-04:00

Oh that pesky 5cm cyst that they were talking about possibly have to remove surgically in my second trimester???

GONE. That's right...no more. (**insert "MIRACLE!!!" here**)

I'm not sure the doctor believed the sonographer, because he came back in and re-scanned me after I had just cleaned off all the ultrasound jelly...and sure enough, he declared it resolved!

Oh boy, it is such a blessing when God's plans are right in line with what we pray for, isn't it??

I'm 12 weeks and 1 day today and we had the NT scan which measured the nuchal fold area of fluid in the neck. Baby's came back at 1mm...which was excellent! Over 3mm is concerning for Trisomy 18 or Down's Syndrome. I also had bloodwork done, and the results will be in Thursday or Friday, but the sonographer said that unless something comes back really, really wrong with the bloodwork, then we should be screen negative for T-18 and Down's!

Baby H measured about 2 inches, with a heartbeat of 161!

We saw him bring an arm up around his head and another arm covering his face. The sonographer tried to get a look to take a gender guess, but baby would not cooperate today. No big deal. I was just so relieved that baby is still alive....(I know I must sound like a pessimistic person talking like that, but it is just my reality now). Every ultrasound comes with a genuinely fearful excitement....Fear that the baby will not be alive, and excitement to be able to see a living, moving baby. It's literally both feelings. So I can finally let out the breath I've been holding once I see movement or the heart beating.

We had the amazing guy sonographer who did a big scan with Mary Grace, and who did the amnio scan with her too. He is just the kindest, most wonderful sonographer possible....I wish that every woman who walked through that clinic could have him as their sonographer. In fact, I wish they'd screen people to have a compassionate, sensitive and kind-hearted personality, because that is exactly what you need in a high-risk clinic.

So all in all, this was just a WONDERFUL doctor's appointment. Our anatomy scan is scheduled for November 8th with the clinic, but my own OB might prefer to do it in his office, and if I can get in sooner at my OB, then I will!

Here are some 3-D pics from the scan today! These are always tricky to me...top pic baby has arm up alongside his/her head. Second pic turned to the side; you can see his/her ear bud.

(Below): Arm up beside head again, and other arm rubbing eye?

Very bottom pic: Turning away! How uncooperative ;)

Time for an update! How 'bout a belly shot?

2010-09-16T13:08:00.000-04:00

5 Weeks

11 Weeks

So I'm getting a little "thicker" but not really a "bump" yet. I cannot fit into any of my old pants or shorts though....so I'm wearing as many elastic-waist skirts as I can. (I only have one pair of maternity shorts...do not want to go and spend the money on more since we should be getting into cooler weather soon, right?) That's what I'm praying for...it has been blazing here in NC.

I had my progesterone levels drawn today and based on what they are, I think we will be stopping the PIO shots after my next 2 doses. That was the impression I had gotten from Dr. C (NaPro). So I am awaiting the results...and a little nervous about stopping them, I have to admit. My level at 8weeks 3days was 41.5.

I am having a bit of a problem that I had during weeks 13ish-16ish with Mary Grace's pregnancy....and that is my stubbornly tilted uterus (retroverted) refuses to right itself and starts pressing on my areas around my bladder causing me to be unable to relieve myself....uh yeah, it's as frightening as it sounds especially when you have a full bladder. During Mary Grace's pregnancy I had to resort to self-cathing (umm....just as bad as it sounds!)....but when I started having that feeling this pregnancy I scoured the internet looking for an alternative. Luckily there is a stretch/exercise/position that I am able to do that temporarily rights my uterus so that I can urinate....lovely, huh? I am so thankful we have not had to go the other route, and praying that my uterus will find it's rightful, righted home soon. This is really only happening at night....so my sleep position must be contributing to the uterus flopping back the wrong way?? Just guessing here...

Nausea has been less, but still here and there....resulting in lots of food aversions. Oh and I didn't even know it could be possible to have these this early, but I swear I've already been having some Braxton Hicks contractions...about 1 or 2 a day for the last 3 days. Really surprised me and hopefully it is not something to be concerned about even though it seems super early for those.

My next appointment is on Monday. We are having another look at the cyst and I guess this will decide whether we schedule surgery or whether there is no need at this time. And immediately after that is our NT scan; yay! Another peek at Baby H!

I have been so bad about following blogs lately, and obviously about updating my own! These last three weeks have also started the beginning of homeschooling Isabel, so between the nausea and schooling and oh the rest of everyday life, I've just fallen behind! ;)

I Saw Baby Move!!!

2010-09-03T13:08:00.000-04:00

This morning (9 weeks 5 days) I had my first official prenatal appointment at my regular OBGYN office.

Doctor did an abdominal ultrasound for the first time this pregnancy and we saw baby lying really still (got a little nervous for a moment) in my womb with the heartbeat flickering away (can breathe again, baby is alive!). Doctor asked if I saw the heartbeat movement and when I replied, "Yes", I guess the movement of my speaking startled baby and it threw out it's arms and legs and started wiggling all around!!!

It was just AMAZING!!!!!!! There's something about each passing appointment and ultrasound that makes your pregnancy more real each time. From seeing a spot on the screen which is your baby, to seeing the flicker of the heartbeat, to seeing movement! Ahhhh...it just melted my heart today with love and relief and joy to see that little baby dance around.

God has been so good to give me these weeks so far with Baby Holmes and for all these little blessings of extra ultrasounds and special care to make sure baby is doing well! I just feel so blessed today!!! What a wonderful feeling!

Amazing too is the fact that I haven't gained any weight since my OB visit at about 6 1/2 weeks....not sure how that can be possible since my pants no longer button! Since I go back to the specialist about my ovary on September 20th, my regular OB doesn't want to see me for another 6 weeks, so October 15th. I'll be almost 16 weeks then....I can't believe it!

And something I don't say nearly enough is Thank You for all the prayers for this pregnancy! I feel so blessed every day to know that people are praying for our family and for this little baby to make it!

So what happened on our Marriage Encounter weekend?

2010-09-01T14:03:00.000-04:00

So I signed DH and I up for an ME weekend as our anniversary gift to ourselves back in July. All of this was done electronically, and I even got a receipt! Well 3 days before the weekend was supposed to start I had not been contacted by anyone and was starting to wonder! So I contacted the local ME people and they did not have us on the list!!! I emailed them my "receipt" and they were as shocked as I was. Luckily another couple had just canceled and we were moved to the top of the 9 couple waiting list. So we were still "in".

So we got to the weekend and I have to say that alot of it sounded very familiar, because DH and I are involved with Catholic Engaged Encounter and this had alot of similarities. I was a little unsure of how much we would "learn" on the weekend. But we both kept an open mind and really started to enjoy ourselves!

And then the miracles started happening....okay maybe "miracle" is too strong of a word. But we had some really amazing things happen that God most definitely had a hand in!

First, at dinner we met this lovely couple and started discussing my pregnancy and how it was a little difficult because we felt very fearful of what might happen having already lost 4 babies. She understood as she had experienced infertility herself...and then she told me that she had gone through several surgeries with Dr. Hilgers from Omaha. I ABOUT choked on my food! WHAT?!?! You have worked with Dr. H??? (So I've read lots of people's stories about using NaPro and working with Dr. H but I've never met anyone in real life yet, and to find her at my ME weekend??) And sure enough, she is one of his first research patients....in fact, she's one of the women from: In Their Own Words: Women Healed !!!!!!!!! I don't think I really knew what to say. I was just awestruck that God would have put us together...first at a retreat that we almost missed attending due to technical glitches, and second that out of 35 couples, He put us together at dinner (we had assigned seating at every meal, but did not get to sit with every couple).

So the second part is that Rob and I were able to talk about our fears about this pregnancy, and to release some of the pain we have held onto since losing Mary Grace and the other babies. I guess there were some parts of our grief that we held separately; we had never shared with each other. And this weekend allowed for a huge release of those feelings, and an ability to better understand where the other stood as far as how we were approaching this new pregnancy emotionally. I don't know how to better explain it, but it was HUGE for us.

Third, we asked the priest for a special blessing over this pregnancy. He told us to meet him in his hotel room after one of the sessions, and we came in and sat down and gave him some background information...our fertility history if you will. Then he completely surprised me with the following 3 questions:
1. Do you blame yourself for these losses?
2. Do you feel like you've let your husband down?
3. Do you feel like he'd have been better off marrying someone else?
I knew the answers to these questions immediately, but had never spoken them out loud or talked them out with Robert. My answers were yes, yes and no...in that order.

He asked Rob some questions and then asked if he could pray over us. He put one hand on both mine and Rob's head and began to pray back and forth between english and speaking in tongues. This went on for several minutes and Rob later told me that he experienced a deep feeling of instant peace. And after he was done praying he said he had a vision of Rob and I very old sitting around a breakfast table with many grandchildren all around.

It was really beautiful. And I think it was just what we needed to be able to move forward through this pregnancy in hope, rather than just moving forward in fear. So that was our weekend! God really put it all together for us, don't you think? ;) I would definitely recommend an ME weekend to anyone who already has a good marriage and is looking to make it better. They have them for different denominations as well, so it is definitely an option for many people! Check out Worldwide Marriage Encounter for more information.

3rd ultrasound update: 8 1/2 weeks

2010-08-27T14:45:00.000-04:00

So today I had my 3rd ultrasound with the maternal fetal medicine specialist. This time as the sonographer was doing the ultrasound, Dr. G came in during the ultrasound to take a closer look.

Let's start with the good news! Baby Holmes is growing just perfectly in my womb and looks great!!! I was so thankful to again have a live baby with the heartbeat ticking away at 178bpm (high, don't you think??). I asked Dr. G about the "low fluid around the baby" that he had commented on at the last visit and he miscommunicated with me....there had never been low amniotic fluid....he had been talking about fluid elsewhere. So that is also a huge relief, because last night I googl.ed "low amniotoic fluid in first trimester" and it was NOT good news....thus I was completely fearful of what the ultrasound findings regarding Baby Holmes would be today. Needless worrying! Thank you God that this little baby is growing just right!!! Our daily prayers are being answered!!!

So Dr. G and the sonographer are looking out at my left ovary again and really spent alot of time analyzing what was going on. In the end, it looks like I have a 5cm "cyst" or "tumor" on my left ovary. Dr. G said that normally when they find a mass 5-6cm, they remove it and biopsy it. However, since I am in my first trimester, there is a higher risk of miscarriage when surgery is done at this time. I told Dr. G that I was not going to take ANY risks with this baby. So he has decided that we will give it another 3-4 weeks and do another ultrasound then and decide what to do. At that point, if the mass/cyst has grown, then he will recommend that it should be removed. Or if it is the same or diminished, they might just watch it throughout my pregnancy and wait until I have delivered to remove it.

This news was a little surprising. I guess I was most shocked by the size! I didn't realize it was that size. But I am still really not that concerned about it. It was only when I was checking out after the appointment that the thought crossed my mind, "Grandma S. died of ovarian cancer". But I'm just not "going there" in my head. What I'm worried about is making sure that Baby Holmes is doing well, and today I got the proof from that ultrasound that he or she is doing just fine! Praise God!

My next (regular prenatal) appointment is next Friday, September 3rd; so another sweet look at our baby to look forward to!! :)

And I promise to update on our marriage encounter weekend! God was sooooo lining that weekend up for us! It's too cool not to share!

Down and out!

2010-08-21T10:32:00.000-04:00

That's how I've been feeling this week. Absolutely down and out from morning sickness. Except my morning sickness is all-day-long sickness. Luckily I have not been throwing up much...but the non-stop extreme queasy feeling has just been awful.

So Friday I finally conceded and called my OB for an anti-nausea prescription. Got it within 2 hours and took 1/2 a pill (directions say 1/2 to 1 pill every six hours!)....well the half pill knocked me out within 45 minutes. Luckily I took it right before naptime; so made it upstairs and napped with Isabel...but when I woke up it was like a bad hangover. So I'm trying 1/4 of a pill next....I'll report back when I wake up ;)

Nausea aside........our MFM (maternal fetal medicine) ultrasound appointment last Monday went well. We got to see baby again, alive and well with an even stronger heartbeat! This time I brought Isabel and Rob with me, so it made it a little more real for our entire family to witness it together. Doc still noticed *something* over near my left ovary/tube and has now put me on pelvic rest for the next 2 weeks. No intercourse, no heavy lifting, no gym (ha...wasn't going to the gym anyway)! It has me just a little more concerned this time since he put me on pelvic rest, but I'm still not very worried about it. Have to go back on 8/27 to take another peek. And quite honestly, the more ultrasounds that I can get to make sure the little one is still alive in my womb, the better!

Other things we've been dealing with are the sweet, innocent prayers of dear daughter, Isabel. "Dear God, please let the baby in mommy's tummy grow big and strong and be born alive and come home to live with us." The first time she prayed for the baby to live, I almost lost it. A 4 year old shouldn't have to pray for that. She shouldn't have to know at such a tender age that some babies (in our case, most babies) don't make it to be born alive into the world.

However, it's the prayer that our whole family has been praying since we found out we were pregnant. Please God, let your creation, this precious little baby, LIVE! At this point, I fear my anger toward God if He decides to take this baby too. Not because I would not be able to handle it on my own...but because of the pain it would cause me if Isabel lost another sibling. How would she react to another loss, older as she is this time? What if she loses faith in God because He keeps taking something so precious to our family time and time again? I don't dwell on this. I try not to even go there. But in private I beg God not to take this baby for Isabel's sake.

In other news our marriage encounter weekend was just what we needed, and I can't wait to share some AMAZING ways in which God was working while we were there! But I'll save that for another post!

For the life of every living thing is in his hand, and the breath of every human being. Job 12:10

I've Been Praying For................

2010-08-15T06:00:00.012-04:00

My Heart Exults during the summer prayer buddies session! I have been so honored to pray for her!!! Her blog has truly blessed my heart!

I had not known of her blog before getting matched as her prayer buddy, so as soon as I got my assignment, I raced over and read through her entire blog! And I was just so overwhelmed by the match!

Our wedding anniversaries are just a week apart (not the year, but the day).

We have the same cat....okay well I thought they were sort of similar looking ;)

( HER CAT )

( MY CAT )

We both hate Las Vegas!....okay well I haven't really ever been there and hate is a strong word, but I don't think that I would enjoy it. I've just never had an interest in going.

She went to see Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck on tour...DH and I watch Glenn Beck religiously....it's our daily DVR date every night.

I was just so excited to begin praying for her! On every new post I would want to comment, but I couldn't even add myself as a follower because I thought she would suspect I was her prayer buddy! So I've been secretly reading, leaving comments in my head (yeah, I know that was no help), and secretly storming heaven for you, prayer buddy!!

She and her husband are just the cutest couple! And she got to take an amazing pilgrimage to the Holy Land at the very beginning of the summer prayer buddy session! If you have not been there, please head on over and check out her blog!

Results of Prayer.....

2010-08-10T16:33:00.000-04:00

So my prayer buddy must have been seriously storming heaven for me this last month.

Because........

..........................

................................

..................................................

....................................................................

SHE PRAYED ME PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

July 25th we got back home from our Florida vacation and AF was due that day. Well as soon as I got home I ran upstairs and took an IC (internet cheapie test) and it came back positive under a minute! I took another one immediately because I thought the first one must be a joke. And positive again! No squinting needed!!

Start shaking....

Tears well up.....

Take the tests downstairs and show Rob.

He is in disbelief too. I send him out for the real deal tests: FRERs (First Response Early Response). That comes back with an instantly decent line!

Start my progression pics and take tests every morning until I am out of peesticks. It's actually progressing!!! Not a chemical pregnancy! One bad thing that could happen that I can scratch off my list!!! Hooray!

Call my NaPro doc and speak with a nurse. Doc calls me back and has no idea who I am....have to explain I am her NaPro patient 3 hours away and she immediately calls in Progesterone in Oil to a local compounding pharmacy. Have my blood drawn to check progesterone levels only (no betas) before starting the PIO shots.
2ml of PIO 2x/week is what I'm getting for now.

Get this: Conception date was JULY11th!!! Yes, our wedding anniversary AND Mary Grace's due date! I think our little girl in heaven was doing some praying too, what do you think? And I also asked St. Benedict to intercede for us too on July 11th!!! Amazing!! Thanks St. B!!

That puts my due date around April 3-5, 2011!!! Another April baby like Isabel, God-willing!

How am I feeling?? Initially cautious until I saw my test lines really progressing. But now I am ecstatic!!! I walked into the guest bedroom and was mentally rearranging furniture at 4 weeks 4 days!!

Do I still wonder and worry at every slight twinge? Yes. But I am trying to turn all of that over to God. I praise Him daily for the miracle of this new little life growing inside me again....for as long as He allows me to have this baby, I am thankful.

And I am so very thankful to you, prayer buddy! I absolutely think your prayers for me were what tipped God's hand to bless me!!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! And to everyone of you who has lifted me up to the throne of heaven for another baby, THANK YOU!!!

Today I had an early ultrasound to confirm that the baby is in the right spot, and sure enough there it was snuggled right into my womb where it should be, and we even saw a heartbeat!!

No pregnancy of mine (except the first) has been without drama however. On Friday I had a gush of bright red blood, some light spotting and then nothing since. OB saw my subchorionic hemmorhage today on ultrasound which should not pose any problems...it was just scary. Then my OB checks my right and left sides around my ovaries and tubes and sees *something* on my left side. He prints me out a picture and gets me in to a specialty clinic for a high resolution ultrasound (yes, all this morning) and the doc there isn't sure what it is either. He thinks maybe a ruptured cyst has left some old blood? I have to go back in on Monday for a repeat scan at the specialty clinic to make sure the *something* hasn't developed a heartbeat.

They joked that it probably is in fact a heterotopic pregnancy (one in the womb, one outside the womb) because I have had so many against-the-odds bad things happen in pregnancy. But I feel very confident that it will turn out to be just fine.

This is baby #6 and I am so in love with it already!!! And soooooo happy that my husband allowed me to share the news this early!!!

Praising God for all kinds of blessings!

2010-08-06T07:04:00.000-04:00

My first praise is that our DD (dear daughter) Isabel, has finally been cleared by UNC Children's Hospital not to be a patient of theirs anymore!!! Isabel has been labeled Failure to Thrive since around about a year old when she started falling off the growth charts...and when I say "fall off" I mean she was in the negative percentiles for a long time. So after many tests, lots of stress, lots of prayer, lots of trusting God, different doctors appointments, blood draws, invasive procedures, medicines, food supplements, and high calorie meals....and she is finally at an acceptable weight, height and most importantly continuing along on her growth curve in a nice upward trend and out of the negatives!!! We have one more appointment set, but as long as Iz continues to do well then our doc said we could just call in and tell her and not even come in again!! Amazing! Thank you God!

Second praise goes out to my mom (who's been visiting here this week) and my husband who attended Latin Mass with me last Sunday!!! This was my first ever Latin Mass and I could have never gone on my own. I am one of those I-like-to-do-new-things-with-other-people kind of people :) It was really interesting...there were parts that I really enjoyed and parts were I just felt completely lost and wondered how long I would be able to remain on my knees before passing out. What I really enjoyed was the reverence and holiness of the priest and also the congregation....I wish I could take that reverence and holiness and sprinkle it in my own church. Oh that is truly what every Mass should be like....people would understand that we are in the presence of Jesus!

Third praise is for the great friends that I have! I am just so blessed to have such beautiful friends who are true friends in every sense of the word! Thank you God!

Fourth praise is that I ovulated this cycle!!! That stupid Ferti.laid that ruined me for 2 whole cycles has unleashed it's evil curse over me and allowed me to ovulate once again just like clockwork. I seriously thought I had really messed myself up after I took it and realized that it caused me to not ovulate... yeah, good job Angela, taking the Anti-ovulation Pill. *rolls eyes*

Fifth praise is that DH comes home tonight after working in Charleston all week! He travels here and there for work, but rarely for an entire week. I've missed him alot this week and can't wait to see him. :)

Sixth praise is that DD, myself and my mom got to go to Adoration together yesterday morning and it was such a peaceful way to begin our day and lift up some special people (including my own prayer buddy!) in prayer before Jesus! I don't know about any of you, but when I go to Adoration and I'm really deep into my prayer the rest of the room takes on this light-filled, golden glow. I keep thinking it's some sort of trick my eyes are playing on me, but it has happened ever since I attended a healing Mass...that the entire room glows while I pray at Adoration. Not sure what that means other than maybe I need to have my eyes checked, but praising God anyway for the peaceful time with Him yesterday.

Oh and Prayer Buddy! I do have a special prayer request this week! Would you please pray specifically that everything would be in the right place?? Doesn't make sense yet, but I'll fill you in! Thank you so much!!!

I'm baaaack!!!

2010-07-26T15:18:00.000-04:00

Back from my blogging vacation and my real-life vacation too!

It's so hard to jump back into the swing of every day life after relaxing and having so much fun!

Here are a few sneak peaks from our trip:

We had breakfast with a duck!

Glorious sunsets on the beach!

Caught lots of lizards!

Were attacked by parakeets (hahah...just kidding)!

Saw lots of live alligators...this one was only subdued by Isabel's fingers in it's eyes.

We played with a beautiful baby boy!!

(Look at Isabel's face! Do you think she's ready to be a big sister already??)

We ate, played, swam, lounged, relaxed, visited with great friends and just thoroughly enjoyed our time together as a family! It was lovely.

And Prayer Buddy.....I just have to say that whatever prayers you've been saying, they are working miracles in my life over here! Can't wait to fill you in!

Blogging Vacation! Updated with some test results

2010-07-15T13:10:00.001-04:00

I am taking a short blogging vacation...so don't worry! I'm still alive! :)

And never fear, Prayer Buddy! Because I will not be taking a vacation from my prayers for you!!

Two things that I'll leave you with....first is a quote from Fr. Corapi that I've been really thinking about this week:

"Every one of us is called to take our place on the battle line. Every one of us has a unique, precious, unrepeatable role to play. To the degree that you correspond to that grace, souls will be saved. To the degree that you fail to correspond to that grace, souls will be lost." Fr. John Corapi

And the second is this scripture from Colossians:

For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may have a walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. Col. 1:9-12

**Update** NaPro doc called with SA results and I need some help/advice. Here are my notes:

Count is great at 134 million.

Two things were "off":
1. Morphology (percentage that are normal) = 14% and that is "relatively low"
2. PH = high = infection

Her recommendation was for DH to see a urologist locally and "sometimes they tell you to supplement with Proxeed to improve morphology."

Anyone know anything about Proxeed? Or what have your DHs done to improve sperm morphology? Also the infection thing is kind of weird too, because we were both on antibiotics in December/January per my regular OBGYN to try to eliminate any possible infections. I mean I guess they can come back (duh).

Would love ALL comments on this! Dr. C did say "morphology of 14% shouldn't exclude as far as absolute infertility" (which I took to mean that there was probably still something else going on....like that wasn't our only problem).

Thank you!!!

7 Year Wedding Anniversary!

2010-07-10T21:05:00.003-04:00

Sunday July 11th, 2010 marks 7 years of marriage for Rob and I!

It would also mark Mary Grace's one year birthday; had she joined our life here on earth. Last year on this anniversary I was in a completely different state of mind. I was still very focused on the "what if she had lived" scenario. I don't think you ever completely move on from that place. It just occurs less often now; that my mind pauses to imagine her as a healthy one year old...possibly taking first steps...grinning, giggling, following Isabel around like a relentless little puppy. Sometimes it's like a sweet almost-memory for me...so real that I can almost remember it happening. Of course, that is my own fantasy land. She wouldn't have been healthy even if she could have lived. What is reality is that she is healthy and healed in heaven...and God-willing, I will meet her there one day.

This year I feel much more able to celebrate my wedding anniversary! I was still caught in the unwillingness of allowing myself to want to be happy...everything was still too fresh last year. But this year I've even been anticipating the date with great joy and very few of the conflicting feelings I had last year.

I was recently sharing my story about Mar Grace and our other failed pregnancies with a lady who had lost a baby right after birth. She looked at me at one point and said, "You know you are a statistic now; 50% of couples who have lost a child end up divorcing."

I was immediately flustered, I was so in shock! Not in shock that some marriages end in divorce after they lose a child...I can totally understand that. Maybe a little shocked at the percentage she gave. But mostly because I was thinking, "Oh you have no idea...me and Rob? There is not an inkling of a possibility of us ever divorcing! If only you knew us!" I don't mean to sound boastful or arrogant, but it's true! We are that solid in our marriage and let me tell you, we do work at it. Marriage takes alot of hard work...of give and take...of communication (and boy have we had some issues with the last one lately) ;) Not to say that we don't have work still to be done! There is always room for improvement and I know for sure that I could do a whole heck of a lot of improving. But nothing would ever break apart the sacrament and vocation with which we have committed ourselves to in front of God and our friends and family!

Always and Forever.

That is our motto. And to keep us strong in our love for each other, we love God first. We worship together at Mass. We serve together with Catholic Engaged Encounter. We go to confession as a family. We take time to thank God for our blessings and ask Him to protect what He has united. Our relationship with God is a vital part of what keeps our marriage together!

And something that I'm really excited about is the anniversary present we are giving ourselves!
A second honeymoon, you ask?
A new car?
No! Although those things are lovely we decided on a marriage encounter weekend!!

I can't wait! I am so excited! I have been wanting to go on one of these weekends since before I was pregnant with Mary Grace. I had heard about how exceptional the experience was and wanted to take advantage of a chance to work at our own relationship. And now we get to go to one in August!

Robert,
So Happy Anniversary my Love! I'm so grateful to you for wanting our marriage to be successful till death do us part. We may have had our share of hardship in the past and there may be more to come, but our relationship is so much stronger because of it, and most importantly we have grown in our love for and faithfulness to God. Thank you for loving me the way you do and seeing the good in me. You are certainly my very best friend! I love you!
Always and Forever,
Angela

Awwww....we were so young!!! :)

Regular OB meets NaProTechnology

2010-07-07T20:51:00.000-04:00

Called up my regular OB today, Dr. S. to see if they could perform my Follicle ultrasound study and the different lab work that NaPro doc (Dr. C) wants done.

Receptionist has no clue if they can do it...."we have an ultrasound machine." (Yes, I'm well aware of that; it's a Level II...that's how we found out about Mary Grace.) I say nothing. She patches me through to the nurse answering machine.

I leave a very detailed message including every type of blood test listed on my order sheet.

Nurse calls back and asks why I am seeing a doctor that is 3 hours away. I ask if she's ever heard of NaPro Technology. She hasn't. I explain that Dr. C is a specialist in this area of fertility care and that is why. Nurse wants Dr. S to call me back and speak with me personally.

2 hours later phone goes straight to voicemail!? It is Dr. S. I listen to his message and call him back.

He answers immediately and wants me to explain what is going on. I tell him that I'm seeing a new OB who specializes in NaPro...ask him if he's ever heard of it. He has not.

He immediately starts in on me asking why my new doc thinks it's necessary to do a follicle study considering my history. Especially, he adds, when there is no research to back up doing a follicle study or assessing hormonal events throughout my cycle.

What?? I'm thinking in my head about the 30+ years of research that NaPro is based on, but I can't really interject anything because he is continuing on in a diatribe about me being better off using techniques that insurance will cover that have had many years of research, and that he wants to make sure that I'm not having tests done unnecessarily, and why don't you just go here (a fertility clinic) because they helped him 10 years ago, and it's going to get really expensive really fast if your insurance doesn't cover this. Well he knows darn well that we won't go certain routes because we've had that discussion in his office many times before.

He must have asked me 8-10 different times (I thought at one point about starting a tally to keep track) if I was sure I wanted to continue with this other doctor and aren't I sure I wouldn't rather start with injectible meds and give that a try first?

Whew! To say I was flustered and upset at the onslaught is understating it! About the only thing I was able to affirm several times was that NaPro was the route that DH and I were now pursuing at this time and I trusted the judgement of my NaPro doc about which tests she thought we should undergo.

Now...I don't want you to misunderstand. I believe my OB (Dr. S) absolutely said all these things believing that he has my best interests in mind. I think he honestly believes that I am about to get "taken" by some quack doctor who is going to take advantage of my infertile position and run all kinds of useless and expensive tests on me just to make a dime. So I'm not mad at the way he reacted when I told him about new doc.

I am however, frustrated by the fact that he has never heard of NaPro and therefore knows nothing of what it might be able to do for me! I pointed him to www.naprotechnology.com and I have to say that I am hopeful about what he might think once he looks into it....and oh boy, he will! After my ectopic pregnancy we got into a discussion about the ethics of it all and once I explained my views as a Catholic (he is Jewish, I believe), he went and did his own research about what Catholics believe on this issue because he wanted to have an informed opinion to be able to better serve people like me. Which I thought was really awesome!

I just know he will come away with some insight after reading that website and getting linked to Pope Paul VI Institute's website! So I am asking you to say a quick prayer for him right now! And prayer buddy if you are reading this, please say a prayer for him that his heart would be open to learning about this technology!

All we can do is tell others, right? God has to do the rest.

Delicious Dish Spotlight!

2010-07-05T18:55:00.000-04:00

Okay I have to point the finger (in a good way) at Karen over at Hope-Pray-Trust! She gave the recipe for Chocolate Stout Cake see: The Best Chocolate Cake EVER! and DH made it for me on Sunday and it was spectacular!

We celebrated the Fourth of July with his side of the family and also had a late birthday celebration for me (which is why I didn't make the cake myself; can't make your own birthday cake, right?) So DH volunteered and did an excellent job! The only slight mishap was trying to remove the cake from the bundt pan before it totally cooled...so there was a bit stuck inside the pan, resulting in a slightly misshapen cake...but it certainly did not take away from the taste!

(DH with his cake...pic is taken outside because my camera wouldn't cooperate with the lighting inside, however you still cannot see the cake since it is dark and on my black plate! At least DH and DD look cute!)

(Picture really just does not do it justice....just make it and taste it! Your mouth will thank you!)

This cake was so awesome....I don't like overly super-sweet stuff and this was just perfect!

Thanks Karen for posting that recipe, now everyone get over there and print it out! It is definitely one for the recipe box!

So excited about Prayer Buddies!!

2010-07-03T13:57:00.001-04:00

Can you hear me giggling with excitement over here? Well believe me, I am!

I am so excited to get to participate in Summer Prayer Buddies this time around...this is my first time joining in since I just discovered the wide world of Catholic infertile bloggers during Lent!

I think it will be very cool to focus a special part of my prayer time on this particular person to whom I've been assigned. I do want people to know that there are lots (40 is lots to me!) of people who read my blog. Most of you, I don't even know! There are Catholics, Protestants, non-believers too who have taken the time to follow Mary Grace's story. I have always spent my time praying for all of you! I do not discriminate in my prayers. I pray for all couples who are experiencing infertility or pregnancy loss. I pray for people who have not experienced any of this. I pray for those who have gone on to get pregnant; that their pregnancies would be successful and their children a tremendous blessing to them! I lift you up at Communion, I offer up little sacrifices here and there throughout my day for you...If you read my blog, know that I have prayed, am praying and will continue to pray for you! I pray for readers past, present and future....in whatever situation you are in.

Do you know why you are special to me?? Because some how...one way or another, God brought you to this blog! God wanted you to be a part of Mary Grace's story, and that touches a mother's heart in a simple but deep way.

I am Catholic and my viewpoint is that of a Catholic! Being a Catholic Christian shapes how I see and interact in the world. I will not apologize for that. There are many who will disagree with my viewpoint! That is okay. I am still praying for you regardless of the issues upon which we disagree.

With that being said, I have added a "Welcome! I'm a Catholic!" disclaimer to my page (hey, just in case you didn't already know). I think free speech is important on my blog as well as in the comment section; however I do ask that we be respectful of everyone.

Lord, I ask that You send Your Spirit in a special way to those who read this blog. Please bless us our hearts and help us be conscious of the words we speak/type that they may be charitable and full of love. Please open our hearts to both give and receive Your love in every situation; even those which seem most difficult to us at the time.
Amen.

There I was...one day out of confession.

2010-06-27T14:29:00.000-04:00

There I was...one day out of confession, walking into Mass this morning with my daughter on one hand and my husband on the other, a smile on my face and then I see them...the couple that has to be about our age that sit all the way across our stadium style sanctuary (ie., I've never gotten to meet them because they jet after Mass)... so I have no idea who these people are, but they have a little boy around Isabel's age, and then another little boy who must be under a year. I've watched them Sunday after Sunday from across the sanctuary as their family has grown...I was always a little envious when she got pregnant with her second. And as we are walking across the parking lot, this husband is letting the wife out at the front of the church so she can take in her two boys and she turns to the side as she gets out, and lo and behold if she is not 8 months pregnant with her third baby!

Oh I just wanted to crumple into the pavement! I even said something out loud like, "you have got to be kidding me, Lord!"....and then of course I immediately regretted even having thoughts like this!! Why should I be overcome in this wave of envy?? Because that is the situation I think I should be in??

I knelt down to pray before Mass began and asked for forgiveness for feeling this way. And then this thought just came to me that I am right where God wants me.

I am right where God wants me. For some reason He has chosen this path for me. And whatever that path is, as long as I am striving to know and do His will, that is where God wants me.

I felt a few minutes of peace and tried to keep my eyes from wandering past the altar to where they sit. It's not that I felt resentment towards these people! Not at all! In fact, they look like a great, faithful young couple with a beautiful family that I'd like to get to know! It's just that the "picture" of their family is where I thought I would be...where I thought God would want me.

Fast-forward to homily time and we have a new priest this Sunday who is filling in while one of our regular priests is away for the summer; I was eager to hear how he preached and what he would have to say.

Here are the main point notes that I took (yes, I am one of those people who pulls out a pad of paper and tries to take discreet notes during the homily sometimes!):

*Close companionship with Jesus may require we walk the lonely walk to Golgotha.

Woah Lord, ummm...yeah, it does feel pretty lonely being the only couple in my group of friends who is going through difficulty conceiving.

*Yes Lord, I understand. I know there's a cost involved and come what may I still want to follow You.

You're right, Lord. There is a cost involved. Not just the suffering and isolation of this secondary infertility and losing our babies, but the cost that comes from finding moral ways to regain my fertility; moral ways to have a baby while still following You. (By this I mean the cost of friends or family who become distanced because they just don't understand why it is not an option for me to go out and use certain fertility treatments to have a baby...to them it seems so simple: just go do IVF and quit complaining about not having a baby; get on with your life. This is a "cost" to me...that the beautiful truth of following the teachings of the Catholic church is not recognized as such).

*The cost then dearly and radically changed their lives forever to a wholehearted commitment to Jesus Christ.

For me, the cost of secondary infertility/losing babies has definitely changed my life forever. The thought of following church teaching on fertility treatments is radical to some people. The fact that losing babies has made my desire for more children increase to what the Lord will allow me to have, may also be radical to some people. Do I have a wholehearted commitment to Jesus Christ? Yes! Yes! Yes! Why would I continue to follow on this difficult path if not for love of Jesus?

Sure I stumble, often! The path is difficult, stony, sometimes uphill! But I am headed somewhere. I am traveling through this earth to heaven...that is my destination! And no journey is without it's snares and pitfalls.

But I continue on in the midst of the "cost": sometimes ridicule, insult, insensitivity, hurt feelings, misunderstanding...I continue on for love of Jesus. I gather my strength from the sacraments and prayers and the Bible, from friends and family who give their support.

It takes courage. It takes reflection. It takes humility to know when you've taken the wrong step. But for the love of Jesus I can continue on through it all.

Bring it!

Starting anew: My first NaPro Appointment!

2010-06-21T20:30:00.000-04:00

I've been away from the computer this week and it has been great! We spent a week at my parent's house visiting, explored the Pisgah National Forest and some amazing waterfalls with Isabel, and celebrated both Father's Day and my birthday on Sunday with my family! Not that I'm too happy about having turned the big three-oh...

So that explains why I've been MIA for the last week, now let me fill you in on my first NaPro appointment!

I initially came away from my first Natural Procreative Technology (NaPro) appointment feeling a bit disappointed, I'm sorry to say. But this was only because I had this completely unreasonable hope/expectation/dream that I would walk into this appointment and simply based on the information I gave the doctor, she would send me home with a baby in my arms. (Yes! I told you it was unreasonable!) So after I got over that idea, I was extremely pleased with the way my new doc handled things.

I was going to march into her office and demand that she be aggressive with my care because I was sick of wasting my time trying things on my own that didn't work. But I didn't have to do that! She immediately ordered all kinds of tests to get us started on figuring out what is not working in my fertility department.

This is what she ordered:
*Semen Analysis for Rob (she was surprised this had never been ordered by even my regular OB)
*Follicle Ultrasound Series (measure length x width x height of dominant follicles and if possible the presence or absence of cumulus oophorus (no clue!). Perform daily until follicle rupture completed.
*Estradiol levels checked every other day from cycle day 13 to P+2
*Estradiol and Progesterone levels checked on P+3, 5, 7, 9.
*TSH, Free T4, Free T3 (no clue)
*Free Testosterone, DHEAS
*Prolactin

Anyway we talked about how my uterus is retroverted (what I was told at my ectopic level II ultrasound) and she noted that it is actually retroflexed. She said that it would not make any difference in my conceiving. She said that my uterus was "small"...which was kind of a strange thing for her to note (?) Anyway, the good news is that I can go and get all these things done here at home and she will call me once she gets all the results in and we will go from there.

She reviewed my charts and wanted to see one that was natural/med-free and of course I didn't have one except for back around my year of losses 2008-2009 (because I had simply been using fertilityfriend.com to chart my temps and all the other details from about June 2009-January 2010. When she looked at those old charts though, she noticed that I did not have alot of fertile cervical mucus and she said that can be a sign of endometriosis....also asked about pain during intercourse (probably too much info for a blog) and also about PMS, moodiness, irritability before my period. And I certainly do get the irritability! My dear husband can attest to that! So apparently all those things can be signs of endometriosis.

I asked her who I would go to if I needed any kind of surgery and told her that I knew there was a difference between OBs who'd been surgically trained in NaPro and she gave me the name of a doctor Pat.rick Yeu.ng at Duke, but she said sometimes it's hard to get in to him unless you already have an established case history of endo. Apparently he is surgically NaPro trained but not CFCMC? I think that's what she said. I was super excited to have an option right here in my own backyard in case I need it! That is awesome!

So then I get back to my parent's house (they live about 1 hr from this new doc's office....so I drove to their house and let Grammy watch Isabel while I went to the OB on my own)....anyway I get back to their house and tell my mom about the appointment and then a little later she pulls out this article from the Catholic News & Herald....well guess what? It's a talk about infertility with a panel discussion between my new OB and this Patr.ick Yeun.g guy!!! My mom didn't even know my new doc's name! The main talk is going to be by Sister Rene.e Mir.kes the director of the NaProEthics Center at Pope Paul VI Institute! I was super excited, but of course it falls on a date that I will not be able to attend :( But really cool that my OB is involved! I told her flat out that we were Catholic at the beginning of the appointment and she did not volunteer any info about herself, so I wasn't 100% sure.

But I was very pleased that (as I expected) there was no talk/suggestion/pressure about IUI or IVF, and she even explained about the ethical/moral way to obtain a semen analysis! It was just such a different atmosphere....like I didn't have to be on the defensive about why I these other fertility procedures weren't an option for me...I didn't have to explain any of that! Because her mindset wasn't "let's throw some pills at you or sign you right up for these procedures to get you pregnant", but "let's figure out why you aren't getting pregnant and treat it"! What a difference...and I came out of the appointment feeling respected; like my beliefs not only mattered, but that she understood and agreed that we need to solve the problem, not just put a band-aid on it.

So overall, I am very pleased! The only thing I am not pleased about is how my body DID NOT COOPERATE in the ovulation department for the first month ever! I'll tell you what the problem is too...it's the darn Fertilaid I took....oh I thought I'd just finish off the last couple of pills from last month's bottle. Terrible idea! It has completely screwed up my cycle and thrown it out of whack. I still have not yet ovulated and I'm on CD22....it's looking pretty annovulatory for me this month. I'm just hoping my period will show up. Turns out that because I had already had a recurrent m/c panel run by my regular OBGYN, my NaPro doc did not take any blood...she wants to see those results first.

It definitely feels like a fresh start; like I'm starting anew in this journey....instead of just trying to have another baby, we're now trying to figure out what's wrong and fix it! And that feels like the right step! And hopefully it will lead us to bringing home a baby one day.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers! I would have never known/learned about/ventured into this area of Natural Procreative Technology without many of you! There are so many blogs that I read and just gather up so much information and learn so much from your shared experiences! I just love it and wanted to let you know that I am so thankful for your sharing! For so long, my own story has been about an intimate sharing of our loss of Mary Grace and our other babies, and while God has been working in me through that, it really feels like a new chapter has begun and a new "flower of my life" if you will, is unfolding...so I'm excited to see how it blossoms!

Life doesn't stop....and I am not in control!

2010-06-10T21:10:00.002-04:00

There are some days like today when I give in to the self-pity. When I let myself pause just long enough in remembering my time with Mary Grace that the grief floods back in.

It rarely happens now. But it happened today.

As time continues to go by, it has become easier to acknowledge that other people are going to continue to get pregnant around me. Life doesn't end just because my baby didn't make it. People don't just stop getting pregnant simply because (for a reason only God knows right now) I can't.

And while I'm happy for all of the pregnant women out there, particularly for those who have suffered through pregnancy losses and/or infertility issues, every now and then that sense of loss and hopelessness sweeps in and covers over me.

When my heart gets filled to the breaking point with this pain, Jesus is there.

Jesus has always been there.

He is waiting to cradle me in His arms, like the baby I long to cradle in mine.

******************************************

I know God is up there shaking His head at me. I made this doctor's appointment thinking I would be 3 days past ovulation (since she told me to come in as close to O as I could)....

Guess what happened yesterday? Oh yeah, as of right now it looks like I ovulated....YESTERDAY! I full 3 days ahead of schedule, making me 6dpo on the day of my appointment! That is almost halfway through my two week wait! (Since this will be my first appointment, I'm not sure how big of a deal being off by 3 days will make as far as how much information the doctor will be able to attain.) And I'm not really sure why God has planned it this way, other than to try to show me that He is yet again in charge of everything which I believe I am in control of!

Is this some strange lesson that I just have to keep relearning?? Or maybe I've never learned it after everything that's happened? Is that possible that I haven't learned that I'm not in control of my fertility???

And there is that image again of Jesus calling me to Him...waiting to hold me.

If I can just...surrender the "control".

Photo: David Bowman’s painting titled Security

My Faith Story.

2010-06-04T14:45:00.000-04:00

I am a cradle-Catholic. Born to a very devout Catholic mother who took us to Mass every Sunday, and a father who was raised Baptist, but would attend Mass with us on Easter and Christmas. I have to say that without my mom's life of prayers, rosaries, selfless ministering to others, Mass attendance and insistence that we at the very least respect God and go to church every Sunday that we lived in her household, I would never have made it to where I am in my walk with God today. Thanks, Mom.

Having grown up in NC, my friends were mostly Baptist or other protestant denominations. Around middle school I was eager to go with them to their youth groups as our Catholic youth group was definitely lacking, and of course you want to be with your friends! But that never drew me away from Catholicism, instead it increased my desire to learn more about why we had some very different beliefs....and to draw my own conclusions about where I wanted to belong.

In high school I had my first serious boyfriend and during that time I veered "off-course" and decided to do my own thing (which was basically a life full of sin)...until he dumped me. I was a depressed mess for awhile after that until I went to a Catholic conference where a speaker was telling us about people in the audience who needed to be healed...and then said, "there is a young girl here who is suffering from a broken heart".. well that could have been someone else in the audience, but I knew that person was speaking about me and from that point my heart opened again to God's mercy and love. I attended a Franciscan University of Steubenville retreat in Atlanta that lit my heart on fire for God! I was getting back on the right path!

My senior year of high school I graduated half a semester early and loved this! I was able to spend my mornings at daily Mass and literally hung around the church, praying, embracing the quiet calmness, talking to God. At that point I started to consider a vocation to the religious life. I was so in love with Jesus, that I thought I didn't need to go to college....I just needed to get into a convent somewhere so that I wouldn't have to worry about all the outside influences that tempted me, drawing me into sin!

Well it seemed the only person excited about this idea was a Franciscan brother at our parish! He gave me some information and I contacted some Dominican sisters in Tennessee who told me that I needed to attend college first as they were primarily a teaching community! Oh was I disappointed, but between the sisters and my parents I realized college must come first.

I decided that if I had to go to college I needed to go to a Catholic one. And I applied to Belmont Abbey outside of Charlotte, NC. Well Belmont Abbey brought the best and yet sadly, most sinful years of my life. I wanted to major in theology, but was discouraged by several people not to go that route as it would provide limited work opportunities. I was free there....free to get into credit card debt, go to parties, indulge myself in sin...I would slip back and forth between sin and sanctity there...I wanted to be good, but I was soooooo tempted to be bad. And more often than not, would give in to the temptation.

But Belmont Abbey would give me some of my very best friends...forever friends, as some would say. God wanted me at that college too, because that is where I would meet my future husband.

From Austin, Texas, my future husband had travelled to this small Catholic college in NC. Before we even started dating I thought he would be marriage material. God surely has a way of lining things up! Both my parents had moved from a tiny little city an hour north of Austin all the way to NC....in fact, all of our relatives were still back in Texas. And then in strolls this Catholic Texas boy and I knew he was for me! Little did we know, a year or two before Rob and I met, we had actually both been in the same city in Texas on the same day. I for a wedding, and him to play golf! But God brought us together at the Abbey.

We dated all through college with a rough patch right after our engagement during our junior year. A year after we graduated we got married...July 11th, 2003. I was happy to be marrying a Catholic, but also happy doing what I was doing...which wasn't being a very good Catholic...until our marriage prep weekend. Our parish priest set us down and told us that "we would be using NFP,....right?...oh and by the way, you have to attend this engagement weekend."

Well I was annoyed to have to attend some weekend, even though I loved this priest! He was like a spiritual dad to me. So we go to this weekend and it changed our lives. We learned about marriage as a sacrament...not just some event you have so that you can live together and "be legal"....and once we understood marriage the way it was meant to be, we made a renewed committment to live our lives faithfully, according to God's plan...NFP and all!
That weekend so effected our lives that we became presenting couples for the Engaged Encounter organization in NC, so that we might be an example to other couples who are planning on getting married.

So we're doing pretty good being married but thinking we have "serious reasons" for avoiding a child for the first 2 years of marriage....until we go to this Engaged Encounter national convention in 2005 and God just spoke straight to our hearts about children while we were there. We opened our hearts to God's voice and Isabel was born 9 months later!

Upon having Isabel it was time to get even more serious about serving the Lord. It wasn't just us anymore. We had to be even better examples of Christian parents for her and for ourselves. So that is the struggle we face now...choosing every day for Jesus. And it is a struggle. Some days it's hard to be a good Christian, a good Catholic.

Some days I yell.

Some days I don't have any patience.

Some days I criticize others in my head.

Some days I'm tired and don't want to have a good attitude about making dinner or cleaning up toys for the hundredth time.

But picking up toys and cooking and cleaning and tending to boo boos are all part of my vocation...my vocation which I once thought was to be a nun, turned out to be a wife and mother. And I am so grateful that God led me down this path. Even in losing baby after baby after baby after baby.

I try not to take it for granted.

And when I find myself slipping in some area, or taking a wrong turn, I pray that God will pick me up and set me back on His path. Choosing Jesus is not just a one-time event! It is in every moment of every day.

Now I walk forward in the hope that is my Jesus!

Don't judge a book...

2010-06-01T20:26:00.000-04:00

Last night I watched a show that I had DVRed. I am a sucker for the pregnancy shows.

Why? I don't know...I guess to torture myself. ;) There is something comforting about watching someone else be able to cuddle and coo over their newborn baby,...that's the way it's supposed to be. Those newborn moments are so sweet and tender, even if it is a little depressing for me.

So I was watching Par.alyzed and Preg.nant with Tw.ins.

And I had taped it thinking...."great, what is this lady thinking getting pregnant with twins? How is she going to take care of them? How come she can have twins and I can't even get pregnant at all?"...and on and on in my head.

But within the first 12 minutes of the show, I was crying with their family, and crying in shame over the way I had judged them.

Their 4 month old son had been killed in the car accident that ended up paralyzing the mother.

Oh I still feel horror at how I was criticizing this family in my heart and head....and look what they had been through. The worst grief imaginable: losing a child.

And as I continued to watch the show, I grew to love this family and admire them (yes, even in the one hour that it was)...and not because I felt sorry for them. Certainly after learning about their situation my heart was full of sorrow and the shared pain of losing a baby...but their attitude was so inspiring...

Although I am certainly not in a wheelchair and cannot understand or connect to what that must be like, I did connect to the mother's desire to have another baby...not to replace the one that she lost, but a new creation to love and care for.

By the end of the show, I felt like we were not as different as I had originally imagined us to be.

God help me in those moments before I have a critical thought, that I might remember to try to have insight into another person's situation. Holy Spirit, guide my heart that my first thoughts might be of compassion and love and not jealousy, annoyance or arrogance! Lord for all that I've been through please don't let me forget my own suffering; remind me of my cross daily that I might not grow cold-hearted or inattentive to the needs of others who are suffering. Jesus, remind me of Your own cross, that I might not take it for granted. I can only do these things through You, Lord.

Napro Appointment Set and Lots of Questions!

2010-05-27T07:06:00.000-04:00

It's official! I have an appointment set with a Napro doctor!

Tuesday, June 15th!

And I feel totally blind walking into this appointment!

What do I need to bring?
What will the doc do? (The only thing she told me was to schedule around ovulation time)!
If I have to have any surgeries will she do it or will I have to go elsewhere?
Do all Napro doctors work with the Pope Paul VI Institute?

I use the sympto-thermal method of NFP, not the Creighton Model (which the doctor told me she can get more information out of Creighton), but I don't have a year to go learn the Creighton Model! Will STM suffice??

I'm excited but a little unsure since I don't know what to expect!

For any of you that do Napro, can you share your first doc experience? What she'll be looking for, reviewing, etc?

Do I need to go to my OB and ask for my whole chart?? (It's BIG!) Or should I just make a list of all the things I've been through myself to give to the new doc?

Need help please! ;) Thanks!!

How can I give thanks to God for this?

2010-05-22T11:39:00.000-04:00

A few days ago I saw this short (13 minute) video by Mark Mallett. I don't know if any of you are familiar with him, he is a Canadian singer-songwriter and Catholic evangelist...and when he speaks, I find it profoundly moving.

So I thought I would share this video with you because after reading and really reflecting on this post by TCIE, (I just loved that post, TCIE!) I saw this video and just thought that it really related to my struggle with losing babies and not being able to bring home a second child. And sometimes I think, "How can I give thanks to God for this?" And "this" can be many things.

Yesterday, for our family, it was this:

A rock through the sliding glass door; kicked up by the lawnmower. :( Luckily it only went through the one pane of glass instead of both panes, so thankfully there was no glass inside the house (Thanks, God!).

Well, that, coupled with my husband's blown out tire as he was exiting the highway, oh and the cat throwing up on our bed...but the cat throwing up is more of a "common occurrence" in our household....those were our crosses (albeit light ones) yesterday.

My trying to conceive journey however, is a heavy cross, but Mark exhorts us to give thanks to the Lord even when we are bearing the cross through our own suffering. We cannot forget God's blessings! This video will give you encouragement in whatever suffering situation you are going through...not just an infertility journey!

Click here to watch Mark Mallett's latest video.

I hope you get as much out of it as I did! :)

Blogger's Sunshine Award!

2010-05-18T18:12:00.000-04:00

I got an award! :) Thanks so much to Kathleen at Kathleen's Catholic and to Michelle at Living on Faith for both awarding me with the Sunshine Award! I was so delighted and appreciative that you thought of me.

Here are some other faith-filled blogs! I am giving them the Sunshine Award for spreading a bit of sunshine, inspiring faith and showing God's love through their writing!

Burning With Love For Your Greater Glory!

Catholic Christian Homeschooling

2 Little Princess Girls

Peace Garden Mama

Catholic NFP Mom

My Chocolate Heart

There are so many infertility bloggers that I would like to give this award to, I don't even know where to begin, but you are all in my daily prayers!

Do you know of other blogs that should receive the Sunshine Award? Here are the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog and/or within your post.

2. Pass the award on to other bloggers.

3. Link to the nominees within your post.

4. Let them know they received this award by commenting on their blog.

5. Share the love and the link to the person from whom you received this award.

Your face, Lord, do I seek!

2010-05-12T21:59:00.000-04:00

The comments on my last post really made me reflect on my own attitude about trying to conceive lately, and especially reflect on the fact that I've been missing God's blessings even when He has been practically handing them to me on a golden platter!

Anne's comment really struck me and I am so glad you said this: "You know, that baby in your dreams might have been one that you lost early in pregnancy. Maybe God allowed you that moment, even though in sleep, to be comforted by one of your children in heaven."

My eyes could not see and my ears could not hear that my dream could have very well been a visit, a gift from God of a visit from one of my own babies! I nearly lost my breath when I allowed that comment to sink deep into my mind, because how could I not have seen that dream as a blessing? Instead I viewed it as something to scorn since it reminded me of what I had lost; those babies that I could not hold this side of heaven. I felt heartbroken knowing that somehow I had become distanced enough from God not to be able to see the blessings He was giving me in the dream about which I could only complain.

Psalm 27:8 "Come," says my heart, "seek God's face"; your face Lord do I seek.

Thursday I went to Adoration. (Our church has First Thursdays instead of First Friday Adoration). Psalm 69:2-4 describes how I felt in my heart. "Save me, God, for the waters have reached my neck. I have sunk into the mire of the deep, where there is no foothold. I have gone down to the watery depths; the flood overwhelms me. I am weary with crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes have failed, looking for my God."

Then on Sunday I went to confession and realized that it had been over 2 months since I had last been! No wonder I was feeling distanced from God. The longer I go without confession the more likely I am to try to start relying on myself instead of the Lord, and that path quickly becomes overgrown with sin, and soon, impassable. I had a long wait before going into the confessional. Although I arrived at exactly 3:30pm, the time when confessions start, I was the third to last person in a line of about 20 for this particular priest.

As I waited, I asked Jesus to give me a clear sign about trying to conceive. I know, Lord, this question keeps popping back up...Do we keep ttc? Do we give up? Do we go to the Napro doctor now or later? Do we start considering adoption?

"But I pray to you, Lord, for the time of your favor. God, in your great kindness answer me with your constant help." Psalm 69:14

Well it's my turn and I go face to face, and confess my sins and then tell the priest that I have lost hope that we will have another baby. I told him, "I have hope in God and all His promises, but God never promised me another baby. I don't see how I can keep hoping month after month."

And he told me, "God does not want you to be frustrated. If you are doing something over and over that is not working, you need to take another path; choose something else. Maybe a different medical intervention."

Well hallelujah! I felt like Jesus was answering me then and there straight through the priest (and why couldn't He, since He chooses to forgive me using the priest!) that Rob and I should definitely move on to NaproTechnology! We've been ttc for 2 1/2 years now with either just our own expertise and the addition of a few fertility drugs here and there and clearly it's not working for us.

It was such a relief to hear him say it...for some reason I needed it to be said outloud by a third party! And of course, now that I was back in a state of grace, I felt like I had wings! God had forgiven me and given me direct guidance when I sought Him out in prayer, adoration and penance!

Thank you so much for all your hope-filled messages and I am so thankful that God can use what He has done in my life to fill new people with hope and inspire faith! Praise God! Please know that prayers were offered for all of you during my time in Adoration with our Lord.

Lost dreams.

2010-05-03T18:37:00.000-04:00

Last night I dreamt that I had another baby girl.

I hate those dreams. They seem so real.

I am holding her, feeding her...we are in the hospital and I can smell the new baby smell even in my dream. It feels like I am with her for hours.

And then I wake up.

The dream dissipates.

The baby is gone.

And like a cruel joke I am 15dpo, with 2 positive blue-dye pregnancy tests and a negative FRER.

Yes, 15 days past ovulation with a 13 day luteal phase. Two positive blue-dye pregnancy tests, but oh no, don't think they are really positive....because "blue-dye" tests are notorious for giving false positives. And the real truth-be-told test is the First Response Early Response pink dye test.

Not even a hint of a line on the FRER.

The baby in my dream is gone.

The dream of a baby this month is gone.

Why isn't my period here yet? Oh, you know that nasty progesterone that I take to help support a potential pregnancy....it also tends to extend your LP.

*sigh*

And no, like a chicken I didn't make the NaPro appointment yet. I've decided to wait one more cycle so that Isabel will be out of school and we will have more flexibility in being able to travel the 3 1/2 hours to the doctor's office. So this month's plan is Fertilaid! I'm kind of excited about it. Okay, so I get excited whenever I try something "new" in the trying to conceive department. Fertilaid is a supplement (3x a day!) that both Rob and I will be taking this month (Fertilaid for Men and for Women).

So we will see how it goes. Here's to another month!

On a different note, I am so very glad that I say my morning offering to start my day. This month especially has been very emotional for some reason especially starting about midway through my LP and I'm just so glad that I can offer every negative pregnancy test, all the disappointment, every temperature fluctuation, each day past my LP of hope and then let down, to God....sometimes I feel it's all I've got to give Him.

Presumption and Faith.

2010-04-21T15:01:00.000-04:00

Today was my last bible study until next Fall (well there is one more class, but I will not be able to attend, so it was the last one for me), and it was so good.

I personally related to different points made this week such as the warning against presumption spoken of in James 4:13-15: "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town, spend a year there doing business, and make a profit'- you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow. You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears. Instead you should say, 'If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.' "

This really ties into my last post! I think this week's bible study lesson was a true confirmation from God that I just have to hope and have faith, and stop having all these expectations for my future life....to truly just abandon all to Him (and for me this is a daily act! Somtimes a minute by minute act!) so that I can live in the present moment.

My life is contingent upon God. Even my very next breath, my next heartbeat is dependent upon Him. I would cease to exist just that quickly if He stopped thinking of me.

What a powerful reminder of how little I am in the whole scheme of things. And yet what a powerful reminder of how much God loves me...with all the people in the world, He loves me enough to be thinking of me!

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own "self-importance" (and for me that translates into how important it is for me to have another live baby and how my life should "look" according to this plan I have), that I truly am guilty of presuming things.

The priest who gave the video commentary on our lesson made this point: Our personal plans may have been thwarted but there is a divine wisdom behind the whole thing, the hand of divine providence is always involved and sometimes God lets us know the wisdom behind His timing, and sometimes He does not.

A year or two after college I went to a concert in a different city, downtown with a group of probably 6 friends. It was an all-day event and when we were driving back the 30 minutes to the house a cop pulled our car over. Luckily our DD (who happened to be DH) was in fact driving, because the rest of us had been drinking throughout the afternoon...but we were all so nervous that he would get a ticket for speeding or something, and then how would the rest of us get home? Well the cop let him off without any ticket and we just couldn't figure out why he pulled us over in the first place, but we did move from the left hand lane to the right hand lane (of the 4 lane divided highway) and kept our speed a little slower than normal. Not 3 minutes later, a car came barrelling towards us going the wrong way on the highway at super high speed in the LEFT lane, where we had previously been cruising prior to our incident with the cop.

God certainly let us know the wisdom behind His timing in that instance....getting pulled over by that cop saved our lives...or at the least saved us from a serious wreck.

Why God has thwarted my every attempt to have a baby after Isabel is beyond me. I often speculate on it with my very limited human wisdom...I can think of a couple of reasons why I believe it has been this way. But I wish God would reveal to me His true purpose...I wish He would make it as clear as that night after the concert on the highway.

There must be a reason...but it is still hard to understand.

And yet I just have to have faith when I don't understand. Faith that God knows, and that He knows best.

Faith that in the meantime, until I understand, that I can still try to live in and do His true and holy will in every moment.

This present moment.

2010-04-17T14:42:00.000-04:00

"How are you doing?"

I have really been getting this question alot lately. (And I don't mind at all, by the way! It is wonderful to know that people still think about us in regard to Mary Grace and trying to conceive).

And it's not the casual "Hey, how're things going?".

It's the deep, implied meaning, "So how are you doing?".

And quite frankly I've been doing great! I think it has alot to do with the springtime weather we are having that really gets your heart soaring! And a soaring heart is great for keeping an optimistic outlook!

I heard back from the NaPro doctor I contacted and I can schedule with her around ovulation time. So that puts us into next month because I ovulated yesterday, so this cycle is "out" as far as an appointment goes. I'm not sure if I should go ahead and actually make the appointment though...I mean, what if I get pregnant this month? What if this is it?

That is the game I play every month though! So I think I will go ahead and schedule it and I can cancel if something wonderful (like a pregnancy!) happens....

So that has me a little excited.

I've also been delving into some "homeschool" activities with Isabel (and homeschool is in quotations because Isabel is still in her preschool class) and I've just been loving it. We had such a great week of learning together that it really helped me be able to focus on loving her in a new way, as one of her "teachers"! I think God is really moving in my heart this week and I it has been such a blessing.

Ever since ending Lent it felt like I'd been in a bit of a dry spell. You know that feeling where God feels distant? And now it's like He is finding new ways to reveal Himself to me...new ways to intimately work Himself deeper into my heart.

And that part feels sooooo good! It is such a relief when the Lord quenches that thirst....that longing for Him.

What else? I had Rob dismantle the crib.

What!? You 've had an empty crib set up for the last 2 years?

*blush* Yes. And that's not the half of it!

I've had at least 6 boxes of diapers sitting on a changing table for the last 2 years, just waiting to be used.

Do diapers expire? *shrug*

I just can't bear to part with them, but I did put them away in the closet so it no longer looks like I've just won the diaper lottery.

We took the crib down the street for a neighbor to borrow. This way it is at least getting some use and we can get it back if it looks like we will be in need of it again.

I did have mixed feelings about taking down and putting away these items, but it is kind of like spring-cleaning of the heart...I've got to move on from the dream that's in my head of a house with many little children running around. I've got to sweep out these preconceived ideas about how my life was supposed to be, and make room to be at peace with God's plan for how my life is supposed to be.

And while the crib is up and the diapers are out, I am not fully living in His plan. Because the reality is that there is not another baby to care for in this moment.

The only child I have to care for right now is Isabel.

She is my present moment.

And I am so thankful that I get to be a Mommy to her here, right now.

Time for a change...

2010-04-12T15:46:00.001-04:00

Nothing too dramatic...just my profile picture.

I know, I know...I just recently changed it, you're thinking!

But here's the back-story: Every time I look at that old profile pic (below)....

I can only see this:

Yes, that's right.....a goat.

Because my former profile picture was actually a picture of me holding a baby goat in my lap. Of course the goat got edited out, but I still laugh every time I see it, knowing that I'm really cradling a goat ;)

It's been cracking me up ever since I put it as my profile...Thought I'd clue ya'll in to my behind-the-scenes fun, and give us all a little laugh :)

No fertilized eggs in my basket.

2010-04-06T14:21:00.001-04:00

Hi Friends! I wanted to update that my period showed up the day before Easter, so as my title states, there were no fertilized eggs in my so-called "basket" this Easter. I did not even get to use my pregnancy test! But everyone will be so proud that I did not test once (no, not even with an internet cheapie test) this entire cycle! I had prayed for ~~extra~~ supernatural willpower this month in that department, and God granted my prayer! You can't get everything all at once, right?

I have also contacted a doctor (about 3 hours away) who uses NaproTechnology! So I'll be interested to see if she will take me on as a patient.

In other news, I have started praying one prayer a day for Pope Benedict for the next 50 days. The Cardinal Newman Society has organized an Eastertide bouquet of prayers for the pope. I'm kind of excited about this because it's something spiritual that I can do for the next 50 days. I really enjoy Advent and Lent because they are organized times that kind of direct you toward a spiritual "end" (ie., Christmas and Easter, respectively) and after these days of preparation are over, I'm left wanting more, so I figure this is a great way to have another spiritual "focus" for 50 more days and certainly our pope could use some prayer warriors right about now!

We have been busy with work and preschool and Easter and preparing for Isabel's birthday. It's hard to believe that she will be 4 this year, and part of me wistfully speculates on the future....even if we got pregnant now, she would be nearly 5 before she had another sibling. It makes me sad that she will be so far apart from a brother or sister. She will in fact be more like a "little mommy" than a sibling. And although I know I would be extremely blessed to be able to get pregnant and have another healthy baby, a part of me is still extremely sad about how far apart they would be.

At the same time, I'm trying to be thankful that I can spend all my love, time and resources on my sweet little Isabel right now. While I try not to be indulgent with material things, she is certainly in a position where we can afford to spend a little more on her birthday or Christmas or various outings than we could if we had several other children, so for the moment I just have to "be there"....live in the moment of being able to devote all my attention to her.

Praying that the glorious resurrection of our Savior brought you great joy and hope this Easter! What a special day we have to remember the hope we have in our Lord, even when we are going through our own personal trials and challenges.

Important Correction!

2010-03-29T15:56:00.000-04:00

A fellow blogger has made me aware that I have inaccurately portrayed some of the Church's teachings on IUI in my recent Fertility Q&A post and I definitely want to give you all the correct info!

As far as IUI goes, here is what the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops website states:

Reproductive Technologies under Discussion (neither "approved" nor "disapproved"):
1. Gamete intra‐fallopian transfer (GIFT).
(The Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith has not yet pronounced on the
subject.)
2. Intrauterine insemination (IUI) of "licitly obtained" (normal intercourse) but
technologically prepared semen sample (washed, etc.).
http://www.usccb.org/LifeGivingLove/Reproductive-Technology-Guidelines.pdf

I had stated that IUI was not approved by the Catholic Church, and as of this posting it is neither approved or disapproved when the guidelines (as mentioned in #2 above) are followed.

I apologize for misstating this and am very thankful to the blogger who pointed this out!

The following is also a very good article from the USCCB regarding Catholic views of reproductive technology if you are interested in further reading: http://www.usccb.org/prolife/programs/rlp/98rlphaa.shtml

Have a blessed Holy Week!

Miraculous Medal Novena.

2010-03-24T15:39:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I started a novena in honor of Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal asking Mary to intercede for my family for the special intention of "conceiving a healthy baby that we can raise here on earth for God's glory." I always use this specific phrase as my special intention, because after my ectopic pregnancy, I used to pray to conceive "a baby in the right place" (ie., not an ectopic pregnancy) and my prayer was answered...I have not since had an ectopic pregnancy, yet I have gone on to have 3 other babies not make it for us to "raise here on earth". After Mary Grace, I know now to be even more specific in this prayer request.

But let's get back to an explanation of my novena. What is a novena?? It is 9 consecutive days of prayer, usually asking for a special grace, imploring a special favor, or to make a special petition. To whom are we praying?? God, of course! Always God! Sometimes people get confused and think that Catholics pray to Mary, or pray to other saints....Catholics do ask for the intercession of Mary and the saints; that is we ask that they pray to obtain our request for us, knowing that God can use whomever He wants to distribute His grace...but the grace, the answered prayer, the glory, are all God's!

The practice of saying a novena comes from Sacred Scripture! After Jesus' Ascension into heaven, He commanded His disciples to come together in the upper room to devote themselves to constant prayer (Acts 1:14). They prayed for nine days before receiving the Holy Spirit on Pentecost. Novena comes from the Latin "novem" meaning nine.

What is the miraculous medal? Well it is originally called the Medal of the Immaculate Conception, although later, due to the great graces and miracles God performed through it, people began to refer to it as the Miraculous Medal.

Designed by Mary, the mother of God, she instructed (now Saint) Catherine Laboure (in 1830) to strike a medal upon the design she gave her, and to distribute the medals that "those who wear it will receive great graces, especially if they wear it around the neck." Again, these graces do not come from Mary, they come from God, from whom all blessings flow.

Go here to read more about the Miraculous Medal and it's meaning. The link is especially helpful in understanding what is on the front and back of the medal, and why.

Today, St. Catherine Laboure's body remains incorrupt beneath an altar at 140 Rue de Bac, Paris, where Mary appeared to her. Even though she died in 1876! How do we know this? Because her body was exhumed nearly 57 years later, as fresh as if she was sleeping....she was then transferred to a glass case beneath the altar on Rue de Bac. Aren't the graces God has bestowed upon the saints amazing??

I have worn a miraculous medal alongside a cross on my necklace for many years, in fact it has been so long that I don't quite remember when I started...perhaps in high school.

Why, you ask? Certainly not because it is an amulet for my protection or some magic superstitious good-luck charm, by no means! A blessed medal is simply an object that reminds me of my calling, of God's love for me, and it helps in this way, as a reminder of the graces God bestows when the wearer has faith and tries to live a life of virtue.

And "Catherine" is my confirmation name :)

Around the medal are the words, "O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee."

Wait a minute, you say...."For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). What is this business about Mary "being conceived without sin"?

Catholics believe that Mary needed a savior just like the rest of us! But we also believe that God applied Jesus' redemptive work to His own mother, before He was even born....that is, that Mary was preserved from the stain of original sin from the very moment of her conception (that is in fact, what the term "Immaculate Conception" means). She was most definitely redeemed by the precious Blood of her Son!

Here's an example I've heard before...it's two scenarios.

Scenario one: A man falls into a hole and someone comes along and pulls him from the hole. The second man saves the first, as he rescues him from the hole. (Kinda like how Jesus saves us from our sins; we're already in the sin, so to speak!).

Second scenario: A man is walking toward, and about to fall into a hole when a second man pushes him out of the way at the last second. The first man never falls into the hole, but regardless, we would say that the second man saved him from falling into it. (This is like how God preserved Mary from falling into sin...yet He still was the one to save her.)

Pope Pius IX proclaimed the dogma of the Immaculate Conception in 1854:

The most Blessed Virgin Mary was, from the first moment of her conception, by a singular grace and privilege of almighty God and by virtue of the merits of Jesus Christ, Savior of the human race, preserved immune from all stain of original sin (Ineffabilis Deus 1854, cited in C 491).

Though proclaimed as official church teaching in 1854, this had been taught by theologians as early as the 4th century!

So Mary being without sin is not exactly stated explicitly in the Bible. True! And for some Christians the Truth is only in the Bible and nowhere else. For Catholics the Truth is most definitely in the Bible, and we also have Tradition (with a capital "T", that is the teachings handed down from Jesus through the apostles by word of mouth "So then, brethren, stand firm and hold to the traditions which you were taught, whether by word of mouth or by letter from us" 2 Thessalonians 2:15 ). None of Tradition can be in contradiction to the Bible, otherwise it would be false. (So let this suffice for the moment for reasons of space and time- I'd love to come back to the Bible and Tradition another time though)!

The Bible gives us some really interesting things to consider though, about Mary being and remaining without sin. And I discovered the following in Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic by David Currie. The Greek meaning of the angel Gabriel addressing Mary as "full of grace" in Luke 1:28, is translated "The One Most Full of God's Gracious Gift of His Life in All Time"....woah....that is heavy! And as Currie writes, "being full of God's grace, means an absence of sin." Just an interesting thought to ponder.

Whew! There's more I could say, but I know ya'll don't read my blog to learn about Catholic theology ;) So I'll end here! But I'd love if you could lift up my special intention request (for a healthy baby we can raise here on earth for God's glory) over the next 8 days (I started yesterday, remember) with me as I continue my novena!

Thanks friends and have a blessed week!

***Edited to add the link to the novena I am making. ***

While we're waiting....update!

2010-03-19T20:08:00.000-04:00

It's good news! Rob's bloodwork was normal too!

So, two normal people who can't seem to have another baby....not sure what to make of it. But I will take the fact that everything came back normal as good news!

Thanks for all the prayers! :) And thank you St. Joseph (on your feast day)!

Just wanted to send an update and will post again soon. Have a beautiful weekend!