Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Presumption and Faith.

Today was my last bible study until next Fall (well there is one more class, but I will not be able to attend, so it was the last one for me), and it was so good.

I personally related to different points made this week such as the warning against presumption spoken of in James 4:13-15:  "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town, spend a year there doing business, and make a profit'- you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow.  You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears.  Instead you should say, 'If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.' "

This really ties into my last post!  I think this week's bible study lesson was a true confirmation from God that I just have to hope and have faith, and stop having all these expectations for my future truly just abandon all to Him (and for me this is a daily act! Somtimes a minute by minute act!) so that I can live in the present moment.

My life is contingent upon God.  Even my very next breath, my next heartbeat is dependent upon Him.  I would cease to exist just that quickly if He stopped thinking of me.

What a powerful reminder of how little I am in the whole scheme of things.  And yet what a powerful reminder of how much God loves me...with all the people in the world, He loves me enough to be thinking of me!

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own "self-importance" (and for me that translates into how important it is for me to have another live baby and how my life should "look" according to this plan I have), that I truly am guilty of presuming things. 

The priest who gave the video commentary on our lesson made this point:  Our personal plans may have been thwarted but there is a divine wisdom behind the whole thing, the hand of divine providence is always involved and sometimes God lets us know the wisdom behind His timing, and sometimes He does not.

A year or two after college I went to a concert in a different city, downtown with a group of probably 6 friends.  It was an all-day event and when we were driving back the 30 minutes to the house a cop pulled our car over.  Luckily our DD (who happened to be DH) was in fact driving, because the rest of us had been drinking throughout the afternoon...but we were all so nervous that he would get a ticket for speeding or something, and then how would the rest of us get home?  Well the cop let him off without any ticket and we just couldn't figure out why he pulled us over in the first place, but we did move from the left hand lane to the right hand lane (of the 4 lane divided highway) and kept our speed a little slower than normal.  Not 3 minutes later, a car came barrelling towards us going the wrong way on the highway at super high speed in the LEFT lane, where we had previously been cruising prior to our incident with the cop. 

God certainly let us know the wisdom behind His timing in that instance....getting pulled over by that cop saved our lives...or at the least saved us from a serious wreck.

Why God has thwarted my every attempt to have a baby after Isabel is beyond me.  I often speculate on it with my very limited human wisdom...I can think of a couple of reasons why I believe it has been this way.  But I wish God would reveal to me His true purpose...I wish He would make it as clear as that night after the concert on the highway. 

There must be a reason...but it is still hard to understand. 

And yet I just have to have faith when I don't understand.  Faith that God knows, and that He knows best. 

Faith that in the meantime, until I understand, that I can still try to live in and do His true and holy will in every moment.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

This present moment.

"How are you doing?"

I have really been getting this question alot lately.  (And I don't mind at all, by the way! It is wonderful to know that people still think about us in regard to Mary Grace and trying to conceive).

And it's not the casual "Hey, how're things going?".

It's the deep, implied meaning, "So how are you doing?".

And quite frankly I've been doing great!  I think it has alot to do with the springtime weather we are having that really gets your heart soaring!  And a soaring heart is great for keeping an optimistic outlook!

I heard back from the NaPro doctor I contacted and I can schedule with her around ovulation time.  So that puts us into next month because I ovulated yesterday, so this cycle is "out" as far as an appointment goes.  I'm not sure if I should go ahead and actually make the appointment though...I mean, what if I get pregnant this month?  What if this is it?

That is the game I play every month though!  So I think I will go ahead and schedule it and I can cancel if something wonderful (like a pregnancy!) happens....

So that has me a little excited. 

I've also been delving into some "homeschool" activities with Isabel (and homeschool is in quotations because Isabel is still in her preschool class) and I've just been loving it.  We had such a great week of learning together that it really helped me be able to focus on loving her in a new way, as one of her "teachers"!  I think God is really moving in my heart this week and I it has been such a blessing. 

Ever since ending Lent it felt like I'd been in a bit of a dry spell.   You know that feeling where God feels distant?  And now it's like He is finding new ways to reveal Himself to ways to intimately work Himself deeper into my heart.

And that part feels sooooo good!  It is such a relief when the Lord quenches that thirst....that longing for Him. 

What else?  I had Rob dismantle the crib.

What!?  You 've had an empty crib set up for the last 2 years?

*blush*  Yes.  And that's not the half of it! 

I've had at least 6 boxes of diapers sitting on a changing table for the last 2 years, just waiting to be used. 

Do diapers expire?  *shrug*

I just can't bear to part with them, but I did put them away in the closet so it no longer looks like I've just won the diaper lottery.

We took the crib down the street for a neighbor to borrow. This way it is at least getting some use and we can get it back if it looks like we will be in need of it again.

 I did have mixed feelings about taking down and putting away these items, but it is kind of like spring-cleaning of the heart...I've got to move on from the dream that's in my head of a house with many little children running around.  I've got to sweep out these preconceived ideas about how my life was supposed to be, and make room to be at peace with God's plan for how my life is supposed to be. 

And while the crib is up and the diapers are out, I am not fully living in His plan.  Because the reality is that there is not another baby to care for in this moment. 

The only child I have to care for right now is Isabel. 

She is my present moment. 

And I am so thankful that I get to be a Mommy to her here, right now.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Time for a change...

Nothing too dramatic...just my profile picture. 

I know, I know...I just recently changed it, you're thinking!

But here's the back-story:  Every time I look at that old profile pic (below)....

I can only see this:

Yes, that's right.....a goat.

Because my former profile picture was actually a picture of me holding a baby goat in my lap.  Of course the goat got edited out, but I still laugh every time I see it, knowing that I'm really cradling a goat ;)

It's been cracking me up ever since I put it as my profile...Thought I'd clue ya'll in to my behind-the-scenes fun, and give us all a little laugh :)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

No fertilized eggs in my basket.

Hi Friends!  I wanted to update that my period showed up the day before Easter, so as my title states, there were no fertilized eggs in my so-called "basket" this Easter.  I did not even get to use my pregnancy test!  But everyone will be so proud that I did not test once (no, not even with an internet cheapie test) this entire cycle!  I had prayed for extra supernatural willpower this month in that department, and God granted my prayer! You can't get everything all at once, right?

I have also contacted a doctor (about 3 hours away) who uses NaproTechnology!  So I'll be interested to see if she will take me on as a patient.  

In other news, I have started praying one prayer a day for Pope Benedict for the next 50 days.  The Cardinal Newman Society has organized an Eastertide bouquet of prayers for the pope.  I'm kind of excited about this because it's something spiritual that I can do for the next 50 days.  I really enjoy Advent and Lent because they are organized times that kind of direct you toward a spiritual "end" (ie., Christmas and Easter, respectively) and after these days of preparation are over, I'm left wanting more, so I figure this is a great way to have another spiritual "focus" for 50 more days and certainly our pope could use some prayer warriors right about now!

We have been busy with work and preschool and Easter and preparing for Isabel's birthday.  It's hard to believe that she will be 4 this year, and part of me wistfully speculates on the future....even if we got pregnant now, she would be nearly 5 before she had another sibling.  It makes me sad that she will be so far apart from a brother or sister.  She will in fact be more like a "little mommy" than a sibling.  And although I know I would be extremely blessed to be able to get pregnant and have another healthy baby, a part of me is still extremely sad about how far apart they would be.

At the same time, I'm trying to be thankful that I can spend all my love, time and resources on my sweet little Isabel right now.  While I try not to be indulgent with material things, she is certainly in a position where we can afford to spend a little more on her birthday or Christmas or various outings than we could if we had several other children, so for the moment I just have to "be there" in the moment of being able to devote all my attention to her. 

Praying that the glorious resurrection of our Savior brought you great joy and hope this Easter!  What a special day we have to remember the hope we have in our Lord, even when we are going through our own personal trials and challenges.